I have observed a curious fact in consensual relationships between the opposite sexes. Whenever one of the persons involved is quiet for a while, the other usually asks: "What are you thinking?" This monologue attempts to dissect this question to its very roots.
This question comes from the depths of insecurity.
Commitment in a romantic relationship is an age-old subject. It has been done to death already by sociologists, psychologists, ethologists, geneticists, evolutionaries, religious folks, and recently, the machinery of the state. In India, I was surprised to find out, adultery is a crime under the law for many sections of society (e.g. government servants). In Indonesia, laws are being proposed which punish a man with imprisonment for living with a woman whom he hasn't married. And so on ...
Most people from the scientific establishment claim that women in general have a greater need of commitment and security than a man. The argument is put forward that the woman invests far more in a single ovary, and a single childbirth than any man. Her need for financial security, emotional support and social respect is much more than that of a man. To care for her child is her deepest instinct, it is her second self. No technology can take away, at least in the near future, the special relationship between a mother and her child. And the demands of that relationship are the root of this need for security, the scientists claim. Fair enough.
Those from the religious establishment claim that to be a philanderer is a sin. One must be monogamous, if one isn't strong enough to be totally celibate. Capitulation to sexual desire invites the greatest wrath from the religious establishment. To indulge in sex is to accept the domain of pleasure, and the path to God is certainly not pleasant, according to them. From the beginning of the Bible to the cacophony of present day sermons, sex is a sin. Most religions have however come to accept sexual relations with a single partner.
According to sociologists, a monogamous relationship is the root of the family and society. If that foundation is shaken, the whole society will crumble down. Social cohesion will vanish, greed and violence will increase, and so on. These effects can already be seen in the more affluent societies.
It is claimed by none that monogamy is natural to man, except some Readers' Digest breed of psychologists. And the more daring also posit that it is not natural to woman either: the happiest woman being the one who has a lifelong supporting partner who leaves her free to "go around."
It seems that there is a fundamental desire in humans to obtain sexual pleasure. Another fundamental pattern of the mind is that it soon tires of repetitive sensation. Novelty in pleasure is as important as the pleasant act itself. The whole of one's life can be seen as a device to obtain more novel and lasting pleasures, the sexual impulse being the central driving force. Nothing pleases a human as much as sexual pleasure. This fact needs no corraboration. Vast amounts of thought, literature, films, music, history, are dedicated to this desire.
Now due to various reasons, as described above, it so happens that sooner or later, commitment is demanded of a man desiring sexual congress. And this is highly distasteful to a "masculine" male. The dream of a masculine male is an unending series of sexual exploits with different females. He has nothing to gain from a prolonged relationship. Emotional support, companionship? Surely one must be joking. Man's need for companionship is fulfilled by his male friends, not by his wife. Those men are a rarity who respect the decisions of their wives, and those women are rarer still who think that their husbands understand them.
But in the courtship phase, it is the hidden desire of a woman to find out how much the man is willing to give her, in terms of his life, money and energy; in short, how much he is committed to her. Sexual pleasure is of course important for a woman, but her need for a life-partner is as strong, if not stronger. So, every gesture of a man not DIRECTLY devised to seek sexual gratification is very welcome. A woman would like to think that the man sees something more in her than a mere vagina. And a man would like to convince her, that he does so indeed. This deception is the basis of all heartbreak.
What a man would really like, is a short courtship leading to a height of passion. And then he would like to move on. Now difficulties enter the picture.
A curious fact is that almost all fights in a relationship happen after consummation. Then the real tug of war starts. Till then, the man will do anything to convince the woman that he really "feels" for her, that she is "important" to him, that he would like to spend as much time as he can with her. But as soon as he has done the deed, there is a dramatic loss of interest, at least for a while.
And then, apart from the incessent prodding of the woman, his own conditioning tells him that he shouldn't be so callous. The real self-sacrifice would be to marry her, but if that proves to be too much, he can prolong the relationship for a while. The break, whenever it comes, will be painful for both, but for different reasons. It will be painful fo the woman because then she finally realizes that she, as a person, is of no value to the man. And it will be painful for the man, because he has had a fall from grace, a fall from the socially respectable form of male, and of course, he no longer commands love and respect from the woman he has "wronged".
The game of romance is a game where both persons are seeking different goals. The cunning of a woman is if she can entrap a man into a committed relationship. The cunning of a man is if he can evade her traps.
So, in the courtship phase, when the woman is feeling confused and insecure about her man, the natural question that comes to her is: "What are you thinking?" The man cannot truthfully tell her that he is thinking of how to go about squeezing her breasts, so he makes a wry face and comes up with an imaginative answer. Some of them are:
"Nothing, I am just quiet."
"I am thinking about what you just said." (this is dangerous)
"I am tired. I feel sleepy."
"I have had such a bad day."
...
And when the man is confused about what trap the woman is plotting next, he asks HER, "What are you thinking?" And then, she can't really tell him that she would like him to provide for her for life. So, she comes up with her own set of words.
"Ummm... I don't know, it's just..."
"Ummm... nothing."
"I am just thinking what I mean to you." (the best gambit)
"Do you really want to be with me?"
...