Jason and the Argonauts: A Retelling

by Lori Calabria

 

 

 

 

 

Dramatis Personae

 

Jason, son of King Aeson, captain of Argonauts

 

Pelias, usurper king of Iolcus, uncle of Jason

 

Palace officials, surround Pelias at the palace

 

Herakles, great warrior, Argonaut

 

Argus, builder of the Argo, Argonaut

 

Atalanta, virgin huntress, Argonaut

 

Nauplius, navigator of Argo, Argonaut

 

Calais, winged son of Boreas, brother to Zetes, Argonaut

 

Zetes, winged son of Boreas, brother to Calais, Argonaut

 

Nymphs on island

 

Phineus, blind king plagued by Harpies

 

Advisor to Phineus

 

Guard at Phineus’ palace

 

Harpies, two half human, half bird creatures

 

Hera, Queen of the Gods

 

Athena, Goddess of Wisdom

 

Aphrodite, Goddess of Love

 

Aeetes, evil king of Colchis

 

Guard at Aeetes’ palace

 

Medea, sorceress daughter of Aeetes

 

Bulls, two wild oxen in south field at Colchis

 

Army of warriors at south field in Colchis

 

Dragon, guards the Golden Fleece in the Scared Grove of Ares

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act I

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 1

 

 

(King PELIAS sits on an elaborate throne, a look of horror upon his face. He is surrounded by palace OFFICIALS who mirror his shock. JASON stands before PELIAS’ throne wearing a sandal on his right foot, his other left bare.)

 

 

                                                                              PELIAS

Ahhhhhh! It is a man wearing one sandal! Who are you?!

 

                                                                              JASON

I am Jason, son of Aeson and rightful heir to this throne.

 

                                                                              PELIAS

By the gods, I’m in deep centaur poop.

 

 

                                                                              (NARRATOR rushes onto stage calling loudly

                                                                              and interrupting the action.)

 

 

                                                                              NARRATOR

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold on, I’m here! I’m terribly sorry I’m late but the funniest thing happened on my way to the theater. I was-

 

                                                            (Stops suddenly, taking note of the waiting audience.)

 

Umm… would you give me a minute or two with them?

                                                           

                                                            (Indicates audience.)

 

We have some catching up to do.

 

 

(Those onstage sigh and nod their heads. All but the NARRATOR sulk slowly offstage as the curtain closes with NARRATOR in front.)

 

 

Hello, I’m ______ and I’ll be your narrator this evening. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the tale of Ding Dong Diomedes and the Argonauts. Heh. That’s his real name: Diomedes. He changed it because he thought it would work better with the ladies.

 

                                                                              NARRATOR [continued]

                                                            (Smirks and shakes his head.)

 

Jason’s father Aeson was once king of this land, Iolcus, but Aeson’s evil brother Pelias - Jason’s uncle - stole his throne from him and then imprissoned the king in his own palace. Jason wasn’t born yet, but Jason’s mother feared that Pelias would kill her child once it was born. So when

                                                           

Jason popped out she mourned as if the baby had died. She had Jason secretly sent to a centaur to be raised as a warrior.

 

Pelias has two prophecies that he has to worry about, and they have made him just a tiny bit paranoid. One: beware of a man wearing one sandal. Two: a relative will kill him.

 

Oh, the Golden Fleece. It is a much sought after prize in Colchis. No one has ever successfully retrieved it from the dragon that guards it.

 

As for the one sandal thing: Jason lost it while helping an old lady cross a raging river.

 

Whew. Let us then return to the action. I’ll see you folks later.

 

 

(NARRATOR exits. Curtain opens with previous scene set.)

 

 

JASON

You’ll be eating that centaur poop everyday if you don’t hand over the throne to me.

 

                                                                              PELIAS

I don’t want any trouble here, really. But how do I know that you can even rule this kingdom? What kind of resume have you got?

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

 

                                                                              PELIAS

You see? You have to have at least one heroic mission under your belt to rule this kingdom.

 

                                                                              JASON

Yeah? What was yours?

 

                                                                              PELIAS

                                                            (Makes a sour face.)

Never you mind that. Let’s make a deal. If you sail to Colchis and bring back the Golden Fleece, you can be king. Deal?

 

                                                            (Holds his hand out.)

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (Thinks for a moment.)

Sure, sounds fun.

 

                                                            (Shakes on it.)

 

You’ll be chafing from all that wool in no time.

 

                                                                             

                                                                              (JASON exits.)

 

 

                                                                              PELIAS

Idiot. I may be a coward, but I’m not a stupid coward. We’ll never see him again.

 

 

                                                                              (Curtain closes.)

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 2

 

 

(The Argo - the name is displayed for all to see – is sailing the sea, an island in the distance. The Argonauts - JASON, HERACKLES, ARGUS, NAUPLIUS, ATALANTA, CALAIS, and ZETES – are all rowing, looking very bored.)

 

 

                                                                              ALL

                                                            (Singing in a round with Jason leading.)

Row, row, row your boat… etc.

 

                                                                              HERAKLES

                                                            (Interrupting the singing.)

I can’t stand it anymore! We’ve been doing nothing but rowing and singing about rowing for five days. I need a break from this insanity!

 

                                                                              ALL but HERAKLES and JASON

Yeah!

                                                           

                                                                              JASON

Okay. Herakles is right. We’ll find an island and weigh anchor. Nauplius, do your navigating thing.

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

Yes, Captain. We’re near to a small island right now. It’s only a twenty-minute trip. Everyone start rowing in that direction.

                                                            (Points.)

 

                                                                             

(They arrive on the beach. Giggling can be heard in the distance.)

 

 

ZETES

What is that?

 

                                                                              CALAIS

Sounds like nymphs, brother.

 

 

                                                                              (ATALANTA scoffs.)

 

 

                                                                              HERAKLES

I’m going to find out.

 

                                                                              JASON

Don’t get lost. We’re leaving tomorrow morning at daybreak.

 

                                                                              HERAKLES

Yes, mother. I’ll be back before curfew.

 

(HERAKLES exits. The remaining ARGONAUTS settled into bed. Lights dim to simulate night. Pause. Lights back up. ARGONAUTS wake up.)

 

 

ARGUS

Hey. Where’s Herakles? Didn’t he come back last night?

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

Nope. He’s probably still out frolicking with those nymphs.

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

Well, we can’t just wait for him to stroll into camp.

 

                                                                              JASON

Alright, everyone split up. Search the island, and we’ll meet back here in a half-hour.

 

                                                                              CALAIS

                                                            (Under breath.)

Why does that pretty boy get to have all the fun?

 

 

(ALL exit. Pause. ALL return without HERAKLES.)

 

 

JASON

Anyone find him?

 

                                                                              ALL but JASON

Nope.

 

                                                                              ARGUS

Let’s just leave him.

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

I agree. He wanted a break from rowing. Well, that’s what he’ll get: a really extended break.

 

                                                                             

 

                                                                              JASON

Alright. Break camp. We’ve got to get back on the sea. The pretty boy’s going to have to wait for us to come back later. Let’s go!

 

 

(The remaining ARGONAUTS resume their voyage on the sea. During singing, Lighting must simulate the passage of days by bringing the lights up and down.)

 

 

ALL

                                                            (Singing in a round with Jason leading.)

Row, row, row your boat… etc.

 

 

                                                                              ZETES

Stop! Either find a new song or give us a break, Jason!

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

                                                            (Pause as he ponders.)

 

Okay, let’s make another stop. Nauplius?

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

Phineus’ kingdom is an hour’s journey from here.

 

                                                                              CALAIS

I could go for some palace food.

 

                                                                              ARGUS

I would love a bed.

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

Well, I would really appreciate a bathroom.

 

 

                                                                              (ALL but ATALANTA laugh mockingly.)

 

                                                                             

                                                                              JASON

The mob has spoken. We’re going to pay old King Phineus a visit.

 

                                                            (Pause.)

 

                                                                             

 

                                                                              ALL

                                                            (Singing in a round with Jason leading.)

Row, row, row your boat… etc.

 

                                                                             

                                                                              (Curtain quickly closes on singing.)

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 3

 

 

(Interior of Phineus’ palace. PHINEUS sits on throne, an ADVISOR by his side.)

 

 

ADVISOR

Lunch is almost ready, King Phineus.

 

PHINEUS

                                                            (Disgusted.)

Oh, goody.

 

 

                                                                              (A palace GUARD enters.)

 

                                                           

                                                                              GUARD

Your highness, a group of sailors just arrived in the ship Argo and wish to speak with you.

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

Send them in.

 

 

                                                                              (GUARD exits. The ARGONAUTS enter.)

 

 

What is it that you wished to see me about?

 

                                                                              JASON

Hey, Phin! It’s me: Jason.

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

Hey! How ya doin’?

 

                                                                              JASON

Not bad. My crew and I are out to find the Golden Fleece. I’m trying to win my kingdom back. How’s life treating you? Looks like you lost quite a bit of weight.

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

You’re right. I’ve got a doozy of a problem, actually. The flying Hounds of Zeus, those foul Harpies, are stealing my food and crapping on all the leftovers! I’m starving to death. You’ve got to help me out.

 

                                                                              JASON

What can I do? I don’t have a winged horse to go after them in the heavens.

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

Something! Anything! If you help me, I’ll give you important information about your journey ahead.

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

 

                                                                              ARGUS

Ahem.

                                                            (Looks pointedly at Calais and Zetes.)

 

                                                                              JASON

What?

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

They’re sons of Boreas.

 

                                                                              JASON

So…?

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

Boreas is the North Wind.

 

                                                                              JASON

I don’t get it.

 

                                                                              ALL but JASON, ZETES, and CALAIS

They have wings!

 

                                                                              ZETES and CALAIS

                                                            (Overlapping.)

We have wings!

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (Slaps forehead.)

Ohhh! Right!

                                                            (Pause.)

 

Waitaminute- Phineus, you’re blind. How did you know that?

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

                                                            (Wrinkling his nose.)

I can smell descendants of the North Wind anywhere.

 

                                                                              ZETES and CALAIS

Hey!

 

                                                                             

                                                                              JASON

So when’s lunch?

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

It should be ready now. Come on.

 

 

                                                                              (ALL exit as curtains close.)

 

                                                                             

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 4

 

 

(Exterior Phineus’ palace. ARGONAUTS and PHINEUS sit at a table laden with food.)

 

 

PHINEUS

Dig in, everyone. Those two buzzards will be here soon enough.

                                                           

 

(ALL begin eating. Loud screeching is soon heard. HARPIES enter, running about stealing food.)

 

 

HARPIES

Ooh! Ambrosia!

 

                                                                              JASON

Calais, Zetes: sic ‘em!

 

 

(CALAIS and ZETES chase HARPIES offstage right before they pull their pants down. CALAIS and ZETES return to their places at the table.)

 

 

ZETES

There. They won’t bother you anymore, Phineus.

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

Many thanks, Zetes, Calais!

 

As promised, Jason, I will tell you something that will save your lives and your ship, too. In another two days at sea, you will face the Symplegades. These are towering rocks that come crashing together if anything tries to pass between them.

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

It’s true. Many ships have been lost attempting to pass. It’s a long way around though.

 

                                                                              PHINEUS

I know a trick that will get you through without being crushed to pieces. You must let a bird pass through the Symplegades. The rocks will crash together. As soon as they begin to separate, you must quickly make your way through.

 

                                                                              JASON

Wow. Cool. Thanks, Phineus.

                                                                              PHINEUS

Now, please enjoy the comforts of my palace before you disembark. If there is anything you desire, it shall be provided.

 

 

                                                                              CALAIS

Uh… how about a fresh bowl of ambrosia?

 

 

                                                                              (Brief tableau of laughing faces. Curtain closes.)

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 5

 

                                                                             

(The ARGONAUTS are at sea once again on the Argo.)

 

 

ATALANTA

No. Absolutely not. Nuh uh.

 

                                                                              JASON

Come on, Atalanta. Please?

                                                           

                                                                              ATALANTA

No way! Why don’t you send one of the flyboys through?

 

                                                                              ZETES

I think we’re a little bit bigger than a bird, Atalanta.

 

                                                                              CALAIS

Neither of us is as fast in the air as she is. We would never make it.

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

You all better hurry up. We’re getting closer to the Symplegades.

 

                                                                              ARGUS

                                                            (To Atalanta.)

This is the best ship ever to sail the sea. When I built the Argo, I made sure that its design was sturdy and its wood the strongest. Even so, this ship will not survive being crushed. We need your help to get through this.

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

Argh!

                                                            (Pause.)

 

If anything, and I mean anything, happens to Stella, I’ll make sure you all suffer similar fates.

 

 

(Two tall rocks, the Symplegades, appear onstage.)

 

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

We’re here!

                                                           

                                                                              JASON

Everyone prepare to row like you’ve never rowed before!

 

                                                                              JASON [continued]

Atalanta, let her loose!

 

 

(ATALANTA releases her eagle, Stella, through the rocks. The rocks crash together, plucking a single tail feather from Stella. Rocks begin to separate.)

 

 

Row!

                                                           

                                                            (Sings in very fast tempo.)

Row, row, row your boat… etc.

 

 

(ALL row furiously. The Argo passes through unharmed but for a minor splintering of her stern.)

 

ATALANTA

Stella!

                                                            (Whistles.)

                                                                             

                                                                             

                                                                              (Stella returns to ATALANTA’S arm.)

 

 

She’s missing a tail feather!

                                                            (Takes deep calming breath. Speaks in a predatory voice.)

 

Gentlemen, I’d sleep on my backs tonight if I were you.

 

                                                                              ALL but ATALANTA and NAUPLIUS

Are we there yet?! How soon until Colchis?

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

Obviously, not soon enough.

 

                                                                              JASON

 

Men, I want you to row as fast as you possibly can.

 

                                                                              ALL but ATALANTA and JASON

No problem.

 

 

                                                                              (ALL begin rowing quickly. Curtains close.)

                                                                             

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 6

 

(Mount Olympus. HERA and ATHENA sit on a couch watching a rabbit ears television, laughing at what they see.)

 

ATHENA

Oh… hilarious!

 

                                                                              HERA

Aren’t humans the most wonderful entertainment ever created?

 

                                                                              ATHENA

No arguments here. Even the duck-billed platypus lost its appeal after humans were made.

 

                                                                              HERA

Let’s see what else is on.

                                                           

                                                                              ATHENA

Look! Jason is arriving at Colchis.

 

                                                                              HERA

I think he’s going to need more of our help, Athena. King Aeetes is not going to like Jason or his mission in Colchis.

                                                                              ATHENA

What about Medea, Aeetes’ daughter? She’s a sorceress; she can help him.

 

                                                                              HERA

Yes, but she’s going to need a reason to.

                                                            (Pause.)

 

Eureka! Aphrodite!

 

                                                                              (APHRODITE enters.)

 

                                                                              APHRODITE

Yes, Hera?

 

                                                                              HERA

Would you do us a favor? Jason will need help on Colchis, and Medea could be his savior. However, she’s going to need some persuasion in wanting to assist him. Could you take care of that?

 

                                                                              APHRODITE

I’d be happy to. I’ll send my son to do what he does best: pluck love-tinted arrows into the hearts of the unsuspecting.

 

                                                                              (APHRODITE exits.)

                                                                              ATHENA

This is perfect! More melodrama and humor to watch with minimal movement.

 

                                                                              HERA

Shhh… it’s about to get really good.

                                                                             

(Brief tableau of ATHENA and HERA staring intently at television. Curtain closes.)

 

 

 

 

 

Scene 7

 

(Interior of King AEETES’ palace at Colchis. AEETES sits on his throne. A palace GUARD soon enters.)

 

AEETES

What is it?

 

                                                                              GUARD

Jason from Iolcus and his travelling companions wish a moment of your time.

 

                                                                              AEETES

I swear to Zeus, if this is about the Golden Fleece I’m going to…

                                                            (Sighs.)

 

Send them in.

 

(GUARD exits. JASON and the ARGONAUTS enter.)

 

JASON

Salve, King Aeetes.

                                                           

                                                                              AEETES

Yes, yes. What is it you want?

 

                                                                              JASON

Well, I’ve come from Iolcus to bring back the Gold-

 

                                                                              AEETES

                                                            (Interrupting.)

ARGH! That fleece is the bane of my existence. Why is it that you think you can just stroll into my kingdom and take what isn’t yours?

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm… well, I…

                                                           

                                                                              ARGUS

You must remember that the Golden Fleece originated in Iolcus. I believe that gives us a claim on it.

 

                                                                              (Enter MEDEA.)

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t reali-

                                                            (She notices Jason and is love struck.)

 

                                                                              MEDEA [continued]

Aren’t you going to introduce me, father?

 

                                                                              AEETES

This is not your concern, Medea.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Don’t be rude, father.

 

                                                                              AEETES

This man is Jason. The others are his shipmates. They’ve come from Iolcus to steal the Golden Fleece.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Now, father. I don’t understand why you become so upset when anyone comes to try for the Golden Fleece. If someone were to succeed in retrieving it, you wouldn’t have to deal with the matter anymore. Not to mention we wouldn’t have those unfortunate deaths of children venturing too close to the dragon.

                                                           

                                                                              JASON

Dragon?!

 

                                                                              AEETES

Alright, fine. I will give you the location of the fleece if you perform a few tasks for me first.

 

                                                                              JASON

Ummm… okay.

 

                                                                              AEETES

You must yoke a pair of untamed oxen together, but take care as they have an inflammatory case of acid reflux. Then plow the south field with the team and sow these fast growing seeds into the soil. Finally, you must also harvest the crop.

 

                                                            (Calls offstage.)

Bring the seeds, please.

                                                                             

                                                                              JASON

Got it: tame wild beasts, plow field, sow soil, harvest crop. Seems easy enough.

 

(GUARD enters, hands bag of seeds to JASON, and exits.)

 

JASON

                                                            (Peering into bag)

What kind of seeds are these?

                                                           

                                                                              AEETES

Oh, just local flora. It’s called an armor plant.

 

                                                                              JASON

Right. Well then, I guess I’ll be up with the cows and centaurs tomorrow morning. Until then.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

                                                            (Coyly.)

Vale, Jason.

 

(Curtains close as JASON and the ARGONAUTS exit.)

 

 

 

 

Act II

 

 

 

 

Scene 1

 

(Exterior camp on beach. JASON and the ARGONAUTS sit around a fire talking.)

 

ATALANTA

I swear by Zeus, she does. Honestly, it was pitiful to watch.

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

There’s no doubt in my mind. She’s got the hots for you.

 

                                                                              JASON

Are you sure?

                                                           

                                                                              ZETES

Definitely. Medea’s not a bad catch either, if you know what I mean.

 

                                                                              CALAIS

Oh, yeah. Great legs.

 

                                                                              ARGUS

Forget about her legs, her b-

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

You all are disgusting.

 

 

                                                                              (MEDEA enters.)

 

 

                                                                              ARGONAUTS

Salve! How are you? Come, join us!

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Oh, salvete. I was hoping for a moment alone with Jason.

 

                                                                              ALL but JASON and MEDEA

Sure. No problem.

 

 

                                                                              (ARGONAUTS exit.)

 

 

                                                                              JASON

Uh, salve. Thank you for your help earlier today.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

It was my pleasure, I assure you.

                                                            (Pause.)

 

You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. It’s as if they were modeled after the brightest stars in the night sky.

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

 

                                                                              MEDEA

And your hair is so handsomely styled.

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Not to mention your-

 

I’m sorry. I did come here for a reason. I admit though that my love for you is rather hard to contain.    

 

                                                                              JASON

Love? Umm…

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Yes. It was love at first sight. I laid eyes on you and knew that you are my soul mate.

 

And for that reason, I must warn you about my father’s tasks. They will not be as easy as they seem. Here.

                                                            (Hands Jason a bottle.)

                                                           

                                                                              JASON

What’s this?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

It’s a salve that-

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (Interrupting.)

A what?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

A salve.

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

 

                                                                              MEDEA

A balm.

                                                           

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

 

                                                                              MEDEA

A lotion.

 

                                                                              JASON

Ah.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Oh, my darling. You must rub that lotion all over your skin so that you will be protected from the their flames and fierce horns.

 

And this.

                                                            (Hands Jason a rock.)

                                                                             

                                                                              JASON

Why do I need a rock?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

The seeds my father gave you are really dragon’s teeth. When you finish sowing the field, each tooth will sprout an armed warrior. If you throw that rock into the group of warriors, the problem will solve itself.

 

                                                                              JASON

Whoa. I had no idea your father was so evil. I don’t know how to thank you for your help.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Don’t worry. There will come a time that you will be able to repay me, my love. I must go now. Goodnight.

                                                            (Kisses a surprised Jason.)

                                                                             

                                                                              JASON

Goodnight.

 

                                                                              (MEDEA exits as curtains close.)

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 2

 

(South field at dawn. AEETES, JASON, MEDEA, ARGONAUTS, and two BULLS are all present. AEETES has two harnesses in hand, and a plow is of to the side of the stage.)

 

JASON

                                                            (To himself.)

Sheesh. I stink! I don’t ever want to know what was in that lotion.

 

                                                                              AEETES

It is time.

                                                            (Hands Jason the harnesses.)

 

Do what I have asked and you may try for the Golden Fleece.

 

                                                            (Snickers.)

 

                                                                              JASON

Alrighty. Here goes nothing.

 

 

(A wild chase ensues between JASON and the two BULLS. The ARGONAUTS and MEDEA cheer him on. JASON finally manages to harness the two BULLS and yoke them to the plow.)

 

 

JASON

Whooohooo! Now to till the soil.

 

 

(JASON tills the soil, going back and forth across the stage.)

 

 

JASON

Well, that was boring. Of course things will liven up in a minute.

 

 

(JASON takes the satchel of seeds from his belt and scatters them throughout the field. As soon as he is finished, an army of WARRIORS pop out of the soil.)

 

 

JASON

Holy Hera’s tit!

 

(JASON quickly takes the rock from his pocket and throws it into the group of WARRIORS.)

 

                                                                             

                                                                              WARRIOR

Hey, who threw that? Whoever threw that rock is going to pay!

 

 

(WARRIORS turn on each other and end up killing each other until none are left standing.)

 

 

JASON

Welp, King Aeetes

                                                            (Brushes hands off.)

 

I’ve finished my tasks. I suppose I’ll be off to grab the Golden Fleece now.

 

 

                                                                              (AEETES storms off the stage.)

 

                                                                             

                                                                              MEDEA

You were wonderful, my love. So heroic! But I must go and calm him down before he does something rash.

 

 

(MEDEA rushes off stage in pursuance of her father.)

 

 

JASON

Another day, another job done. I could really use a bath right about now, but first the Golden Fleece. Let’s go, guys.

 

                                                                             

(JASON and ARGONAUTS exit as curtain closes.)

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 3

 

(Sacred Grove. A large tree, in which the Golden Fleece hangs, stands on the side of the stage, guarded by a sleeping DRAGON. JASON and the ARGONAUTS approach cautiously.)

 

JASON

Whoa. That’s a monstrously huge dragon.

 

                                                                              CALAIS

I’ll bet he breathes fire, too.

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

How are you going to manage this one, Jason?

 

                                                                              JASON

Hold on, I’m thinking.

 

                                                                              ARGUS

Don’t think too long. That thing could wake up at any minute feeling hungry or pissed off.

 

                                                                              JASON

Well, does anyone have any suggestions?

 

                                                                              ARGONAUTS

                                                            (Simultaneously.)

No.

Not particularly.

Uhh

Beats me.

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

Well, what if you… no, that wouldn’t work.

 

                                                                              JASON

I didn’t come this far just to-

 

 

                                                                              (MEDEA hurries on stage in a panic.)

 

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Jason, my darling, my love!

 

 

                                                                              (ARGONAUTS snicker.)

 

                                                                              MEDEA

You must hurry! What I have feared has come true. My father has no intention of letting you leave Colchis with the Golden Fleece. Even now there are soldiers coming to stop you.

 

                                                                              JASON

At this rate, they have nothing to fear. I have no idea how to get past the dragon.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

They will imprison you all anyway. I can help you get the Fleece and leave Colchis, but you must promise to take me with you back to Iolcus and marry me.

 

                                                                              JASON

Umm…

                                                            (Hesitates.)

 

                                                                             

                                                                              ARGONAUTS

YES! You dimwit!

 

                                                                              JASON

Yes. I promise, Medea.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Oh, my love. Take this and squeeze the contents onto the eyelids of the sleeping dragon. Then you can grab the Fleece without the dragon waking up.

                                                            (Hands Jason a turkey baster.)

 

                                                                              JASON

Great. Thanks.

 

 

(JASON tiptoes over to the DRAGON and “bastes” the eyelids of the DRAGON. He kicks the dragon and elicits no movement. JASON grabs the Golden Fleece and rejoins MEDEA and the ARGONAUTS. Distant shouts of soldiers are heard.)

 

 

JASON

Can we get the Hades out of here now?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Follow me and be very quiet. We’ll be at Iolcus before you know it.

 

 

                                                                              (ALL exit stage as curtains close.)

 

                                                                             

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 4

 

(Interior palace at Iolcus. JASON, with Golden Fleece in hand, MEDEA, and the ARGONAUTS wait in front of an empty throne.)

 

JASON

We made great time, guys. We got back here at Iolcus much sooner than I imagined.

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

You know, I have a feeling we’re forgetting something.

 

                                                                              NAUPLIUS

Like what, Atalanta?

 

                                                                              ATALANTA

I don’t know.

 

                                                                              ZETES

I have the same feeling.

 

                                                                              CALAIS

Me, too.

 

                                                                              ARGUS

I wonder what it could be.

 

                                                                              JASON

We’ll worry about that when I’m sitting on that throne.

 

                                                                             

                                                                              (PELIAS enters and sits on throne.)

 

 

                                                                              PELIAS

Well, well, well. I’m so sorry for the delay. I had to take care of some business.

 

                                                                              JASON

Here’s your Golden Fleece. Now… my throne.

 

                                                                              PELIAS

I’m sorry. I won’t be giving up the throne. I’ve changed my mind.

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (Outraged.)

By Poseidon’s trident! Does any king these days ever keep his word? You’re all liars!

 

                                                                              PELIAS

I’d watch what I say if I were you, Jason. I wouldn’t want another death in the family.

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (Deadly.)

What?

                                                                              PELIAS

Oh, I’ve just come from a visit with your parents and brother. They told me to tell you:

                                                            (Gurgles and gags dramatically.)

 

 

(JASON throws the Golden Fleece at the foot of throne and lunges toward PELIAS. THE ARGONAUTS rush to hold him back.)

 

                                                                             

                                                                              ARGUS

No, Jason!

                                                                             

                                                                              CALAIS

He’ll have you killed where you stand.

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (To Pelias.)

I’m going to kill you!

 

                                                                              PELIAS

                                                            (Laughs maniacally.)

I think not. It is true that the oracle prophesized that I will be killed by a relative. However, I pressed further and am assured it will not be you.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

                                                            (Takes Jason’s arm.)

Come on, my love. Let us just go.

 

                                                                              JASON

You are a festering pile of Cerberus’ dung, Pelias! I hope that you spend forever smelling yourself in Hades!

 

 

(JASON shakes himself free from MEDEA and storms off. Curtains close as ARGONAUTS and MEDEA follow after him)      

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 5

                                                                             

(Interior house, sparsely furnished. JASON sits dejectedly on a chair. MEDEA enters.)

 

MEDEA

Jason?

 

                                                                              JASON

What is it, wife?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

I have news. Both good and bad.

 

                                                                              JASON

I don’t care.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Yes, you do. Let me tell you the good news first. Pelias is dead.

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (Perks up.)

Dead? How?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

I tricked his daughters into killing him. I told them that I could restore their father’s youth if they cut him into small pieces and then placed them in boiling water. They believed me when I gave them a demonstration by turning a ram into a lamb. So, they cut him up and threw him into the water, but I did not add the special potion to revive him as a young man.

 

                                                                              JASON

Oh, Medea! I love you so much! Now I can rule on the throne as the rightful heir.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Jason, you must still hear the bad news.

 

                                                                              JASON

                                                            (Wincing in anticipation.)

And what is the bad news?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

We must leave Iolcus immediately. Pelias’ son has already become king, and bodyguards surround the throne. There are palace guards coming to arrest us.

 

                                                                              JASON

Running again. Now where will we go?

 

 

                                                                              MEDEA

We will go to Corinth. I have friends there that will keep us safe. We can live the rest of our lives there in happiness.

 

                                                                              JASON

What about our friends here? Atalanta and Calais and Zetes and Argus and Nauplius?

 

                                                                              MEDEA

There is no time. We shall write them from Corinth. It will be safer for them as well if we leave.

 

                                                                              JASON

What a wretched life. It doesn’t get any worse than this.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Our lives will be wonderful. You’ll see. As long as we love each other, everything will be fine.

 

 

                                                                              (JASON gives MEDEA an uncertain look.)

 

                                                                             

                                                                              MEDEA

Let us go. We’ll take the Argo.

 

                                                                              (MEDEA and JASON exit as curtains close.)

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                              Scene 6

 

(Stage is split in two, a chair on each side. MEDEA sits in one, JASON in the other. The two are unaware of each other.)

 

MEDEA

Where to begin?

 

                                                                              JASON

I am cursed. My life has been a horror.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Jason, that fool. We lived together in Corinth for ten years. I thought we were happy. We had two sons.

 

                                                                              JASON

I have never been happy. I have nothing.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

Then he divorced me and took up with some young Corinthian princess.

 

                                                                              JASON

I thought Glauce could make me happy. But that witch couldn’t bear the thought.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

I did what I had to do. All my love was for that fool, and he refused it. I couldn’t bear it.

 

                                                                              JASON

She murdered Glauce.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

I sent her a beautiful robe as a wedding present.

 

                                                                              JASON

When Glauce put the robe on, she was set afire and burned to death. It was horrible.

 

                                                                              MEDEA

And then my sons…

 

                                                                              JASON

And my two strong boys…

                                                           

                                                                              MEDEA

The Corinthians took out their rage on them.

 

                                                                              JASON

Stoned to death.

                                                                              MEDEA

Yet, I still love that fool.

 

 

(MEDEA exits with chair. The Argo appears in her place.)

 

 

                                                                              JASON

That witch ruined my life.

 

All I have left is the Argo and the memory of what once was.

 

(JASON circles the Argo. Suddenly, it falls on him. JASON lies motionless in death. Curtain closes.)

 

 

 

 

 

Scene 7

 

(Curtain is closed. NARRATOR appears onstage in front of curtain.)

 

NARRATOR

A very sad story, that. One wonders if the Greeks know anything but tragedy.

 

One also wonders if there is something we are forgetting. Hmmm… I’m sure we’ll think of it.

 

Valete, all.

 

                                                                             

(NARRATOR exits stage through stairs. Brief pause before curtain opens to reveal HERAKLES and NYMPHS on a beach. HERAKLES is unsuccessfully struggling to free himself from the possessive grip of the NYMPHS.)

 

HERAKLES

HELLLLOOOOOOO?! Someone? Anyone? I have dozens of things to do! Scores of people to see!

                                                            (Roaring.)

Get me out of here!

 

                                                                              (Curtain closes.)

 

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