| MOSES! |
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| Moses was the biblical character that was charged by Jehovah to lead the Hebrews out of slavery in Egypt, despite the fact that modern anthropology has concluded that the Egyptians never kept the Hebrews as slaves. Moses was given the power to inflict plagues on the people of Egypt (by talking to a brushfire), and to give him a chance to prove his magical powers, God made the Pharoah so stubborn that Moses was allowed a free hand at vengeance. The plagues, culminating in the brutal murder of all the innocent firstborn of each Egyptian family, were not inflicted upon the Hebrews, who slaughtered a sheep and splattered its blood all over the place in what would seem in modern times to be a Satanic ritual. |
| After escaping, Moses decided to give the Hebrews a set of guidelines to live by, saying naturally that they came from God. Upon seeing the people worshipping Hathor, though, Moses was angered, and in a moment of pique he shattered the tablets that he had taken so long to carve. He had to go back up the mountain and have god print out another copy. Kabalistic lore says that the originals were the secrets of the Kabalah,which were to be given to all the people, but Moses got selfish and persuaded Jehovah to simply give a list of "Thou Shalt Nots" while he kept the secrets of the universe for himself and his chosen priesthood. |
| Because they were on such good terms, God let Moses personally kiss his ass. (Exodus 33:23) |
| On a whole, Moses has to be responsible for most of the suffering Christianity and Judaism has caused. His rules, while possibly applicable to ancient tribal Hebrews, have been forced into modern times and used to justify numerous atrocities. He mass murdered Egyptians, encouraged the Hebrews to commit genocide upon any other tribes they met, cursed several people for minor crimes, which gave God an excuse for more bloodshed. While parts of the Ten Commandments may be of value, the entirety is certainly not the basis for all legal systems. The first four are cardinal rules of Judaism, the Christians only follow the first three (the Sabbath has been replaced by Sunday, the Other-Sabbath, and Wednesday, the Other-Other-Sabbath). |
| The best thing brought about by Moses was the movie The Ten Commandments' character Neferetiri, played by Anne Baxter (see: Too Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything). |
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