| Sunday, July 25, 2004, 6:00 PM
I feel as if I've broken something inside. It's like a small part of me has died. Of course, that part was cancer-ridden and distorting my view of everything, so it's a good thing. I went out to Birmingham and stayed with Jonathan this weekend. Just got back a few hours ago. It was very therapeutic. We went to the black club, didn't dance but still had a great time. There's something about the way the music and the lights and the motion just get inside you. I felt myself expand, my senses were extended, I felt everything all around. I felt it running through my body like fire, breaking like waves on the sand. I also got very horny. And thirsty. I felt the pure energy of the crowd flowing through me and I could've done anything at that moment. It was ambrosia, and I can see now how the fires can burn someone away. It's frightening and intoxicating and I really like it. The drag queens were so much fun, too. I also made out with a total stranger. A cute, blond-haired little flamer, sunny personality, lights up the room, and a nice little bubble-butt. That was fun too. He's a good friend of Jonathan's, and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Very nice. I feel like I'm alive again. It's like I've woken up from a long emotional nap. It's fabulous. I queened out like I haven't since high school. I've made up my mind on how to get some of the things I want out of life. Between this new resolve and the therapy I'll be starting in a few weeks I think that I can really get my life back on track. As the great Bender said, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold." I am such a nerd... I have short term goals and long term now. I'm getting a job, losing weight, and I will stop biting my nails so that I can blow money on manicures like a good little fag. I'm saving money for furniture and an apartment and plan on going on a trip somewhere next year. Either Hawaii or Europe. I am also so going to buy lots and lots of fabulous clothes. And I have plans to buy that fancy hat that I've always wanted. It's all so exciting! On the bad side, I probably have lung cancer after this weekend. I've been chain smoking like you wouldn't believe. 2 packs a day, minimum, is not good at all. Oh, well. Basically I'm picking up the life I dropped for that asshole that I wasted 3.5 years of my life on. I have supportive family, rediscovered old friends, and plan on acquiring new ones. People have told me that I've changed. I've never believed them, but maybe. I feel like the old me now, the happier, freer me that wore concealer on dates and liked to look at women's clothing and imagine what I would wear if I had the figure (and the anatomy). Maybe Mammon would be a good new god for me? Nah, I don't think I'll go that far, but while money can't buy happiness, it can sure as hell buy the wardrobe that will attract it. Squee! In literary news, am re-reading LoTR and note even more discrepencies with the movies than I remembered from my reading it 6 years ago. The movies were OK, but they really fucked up some thematic high points that make the books so much more interesting. Also, the books have less focus on battle than the movies and more character development. Since I don't give a fuck about blow-by-blow accounts of decapitating lots of Orcs and Easterlings, this is also good. Aragorn shows more courtley grace in the books. I also can imagine that he shaves and bathes more regularly, since he is much more refined. That clears up a lot of problems that I have with the skanky unwashed movie Aragorn. Things are starting to look up. I'm pleased with this. By the way, the background is called "pink flame." I thought it appropriate. |
 |
 |
 |