| Fuck Abby! Ruining Lives since 1985 |
| I'm sure everyone is familiar with the wonderful advice gurus of our age. I'm referring to our dear Abby. Having read her columns, however, I have decided that she is incompetent. Therefore, I will be giving advice to the problems people send in to recieve advice on. Hopefully, in the future, others will begin sending me problems so that I can help people without having to steal advisees from Abby. For those of you who deign to send problems, rest assured that I will correct your atrocious grammar, edit into a manageable space, and generally change it however I deem fit. Such is the price for my keeping you anonymous. Note: While I genuinely appreciate Abby for trying to promote the idea that gay marriage is the only fair options given our country's vaunted ideals, I still think she can be a bit of a idiot. I much prefer Miss Manners, who usually limits herself to merely being a cunt. |
| DEAR ABBY: My sister, who is now out of high school and about to go to college, has never had a job. She has turned in a couple of job applications, but it's been two years and she's still unemployed. Our parents are frustrated with her.
Every time I look at the classifieds for a job for her, she yells at me and tells me I'm exactly like our parents. How can I get her to find a job without making her angry? -- FRUSTRATED SISTER (Abby's Reply)DEAR FRUSTRATED: You cannot -- nor should you -- get your sister a job. It's clear she doesn't want one, and until she's motivated, she won't find one. Who is paying for her college education? Who is giving her spending money? Perhaps when the well runs dry, your sister will get her shovel and start digging. (My Reply)DEAR FRUSTRATED: What's the whole problem here? Are you jealous that your sister is getting a free ride when you never got the chance? Maybe she deserves to relax a little before life pimp-slaps her square in the face. Your continual nagging about her getting a job is alienating her and jeopardizing your relationship. You are not her parent, if you want to treat somebody like your child, start popping out some kids. Hell, you can even get wellfare if you go that route. Leave your sister alone and let her enjoy her youth, you selfish bitch. |
| DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are raising our 4-year-old granddaughter, "Nicole." We've had her since she was a year old. Our daughter, "Terri," lives 1,800 miles away and has nothing to do with Nicole. The only time we hear from Terri is when she wants money.
Terri knows that our upstairs apartment is vacant and now she wants to move in. She's six months pregnant, has no job and no help from the father of the baby. If we allow her to move upstairs, not only will we be paying for the baby, but we'll be raising it, too, while she runs around all day and parties all night. (That's the reason we have Nicole.) I have said "no" to her moving back here. She thinks I'm wrong, and so does my husband. When Terri came to visit last Christmas, all we did was fight because of her ways. If she doesn't get her way, she becomes very mean and says ugly things in front of Nicole. I'm sad to say this, but I'd rather not have Terri around as an example for the child. Am I wrong? Should I let her come home? -- TORN IN ILLINOIS (Abby's Reply)DEAR TORN: No. For your own sake, as well as your granddaughter's, do not allow Terri to move in. Your daughter is an adult and should learn to act like one. If she lives under your roof, she will rule the roost, and your husband will continue to side with her. Unless you want to be an unpaid maid and baby sitter, stand your ground. (My Reply)DEAR TORN: You should always offer your daughter a place when she needs somewhere to turn. First, though, force her to get an abortion. Knock her out and take her to a suitable alleyway if you have to. You should not have to deal with the pregnancies that occur whenever somebody with a dick crosses her path. Make it known that you will not tolerate your home becoming a refuge for her degenerate friends. And if your husband continues to side with her over you, surgically remove his balls. He's your lifelong companion, willingly taken, and your daughter is someone you didn't get to choose. As far as your granddaughter is concerned, tell her that Mommy is a crack whore and will burn in hell one day. |
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| DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old grandmother who had a colostomy a little over a year ago. It wasn't due to cancer or a life-threatening illness. It was due to lack of muscle control because of having children.
I care for my grandchildren two or three times a week, a 2-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. How do I explain this to a 4-year-old? I don't want to scare her. From the time she was able to walk she came into the bathroom with me, and now she's curious about why she can't anymore. Is there a way you can explain this to a child? Thanks for any advice you can give. -- GRANDMA IN BRISTOL, CONN. (Abby's Reply)DEAR GRANDMA: That you had a colostomy because of incontinence due to childbirth is too much information for a child your granddaughter's age. Simply tell her that she's not a baby anymore, and you would prefer privacy in the bathroom. Most adults do, and it should not require a detailed explanation. However, if your granddaughter should happen to enter the bathroom unexpectedly and ask specific questions about what she has seen, a brief explanation that you are all right and that you just go to the bathroom a little differently than she does should suffice. As she gets older, appropriate information can be provided on a "need-to-know" basis. (My Reply)DEAR GRANDMA: Tell your granddaughter that you shit in a bag on your side now and don't like her watching. Tell her that she's old enough now that if she doesn't like it, God will smite her and she'll shit out her side into a bag one day too. She'll have fun stories to tell her friends at school and you have some peace while you're in the crapper. |
| DEAR ABBY: What is the proper direction in which one is supposed to wipe one's ass? --CONFUSED ON THE TOILET (Abby's Reply)DEAR CONFUSED: Front to back. (My Reply)DEAR CONFUSED: Find a scat queen and let them decide. Honestly, you people... |
| DEAR ABBY: A woman I have known for 10 years has different political beliefs from mine. I haven't viewed this as a reason to end the friendship; I just don't bring up the subject of politics with her. She, on the other hand, constantly "slams" my beliefs, in person and via e-mail.
I have recently received several offensive letters from her. I didn't respond and she keeps prodding me for a reaction. Believe me, she doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her behavior. I have asked her to stop pushing her opinions on me and still she persists. I feel that her antics are extremely disrespectful, and I'm to the point of ending communication with her altogether. What have you to say on this issue? -- HARASSED IN HOUSTON (Abby's Reply)DEAR HARASSED: Tell her that the subject of politics is "verboten" until after the election. There's a reason for that old warning, "Don't discuss sex, religion or politics." It can end friendships. She's not going to change your views, and you aren't going to change hers. Although she may be doing this to get a rise out of you, it's disrespectful and a touch malicious (My Reply)DEAR HARASSED: The next time she sends you a bothersome e-mails, reply with a carefully tailored virus that makes donkeys follow her cursor or some such. I assume she's a Republican, they're asses about stuff like this. If she confronts you in person, shoot her in the foot. Move upward each time she bothers you. She'll eventually get the point. |
| DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three -- ages 10, 9 and 6. My parents are both gone, so I can't ask them about a problem I am having with "Ashley," my 6-year-old. Since she learned to walk at about 10 months, Ashley has eaten just about anything she could get her hands on.
She prefers things like hairspray, makeup, cleaners, soaps, baby oil -- and has even tried bleach. I am scared that my child is going to do permanent damage to herself or even die. I watch her like a hawk; however, last night we were at a Daisy Girl Scout meeting, and Ashley went to the restroom and was caught spraying air freshener into her mouth. I have called her pediatrician and left messages, but he has not returned my calls. I used to think she was just extremely curious; now I'm beginning to think she is obsessed and can't resist the urge. Please advise me how I can save my beautiful little girl. -- ALARMED IN TOPEKA, KAN. (Abby's Reply)DEAR ALARMED: The first thing you should do is contact another pediatrician. Meanwhile, lock up the products that are a danger to her. Your daughter needs a medical evaluation, and you must ensure that she gets one as soon as possible. Her problem may be caused by some sort of nutritional deficiency, or she may have an emotional problem. (My Reply)DEAR ALARMED: Run down the first pediatritian and pour bleach down his throat. Maybe he doesn't know how to deal with the situation because he's never experienced it before. Then, lock your child in a closet for a week, throwing in food regularly (It's abusive to starve a child.), and inform her that you will continue to do that every time she consumes a forbidden substance. Tell her that she should not eat household cleaning products because Mohommad didn't. She should understand, but if not she is obviously possessed and should be exorcised by a ring of seven nuns and seven priests on the third Friday after the next new moon. |
| DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my mid-20s with a B.A. degree and a full-time job. My parents refuse to accept that a self-supporting woman my age can be happy. They keep pestering me to find a boyfriend, get married and have children. I have calmly explained to my mother that I'm in no rush to settle down -- but she says if I "really loved her," I'd find a man to take care of me so she wouldn't have to worry.
My older brother followed my parents' wishes when he was my age. Now I am the "bad child" for refusing to conform. Ever since I was a child, I have put money into a savings account and -- little by little -- it has become a large sum. I would like to use that money to further my education, but my parents have denied me access to it. They claim that when I marry, the funds will be my "dowry" to buy a house. Abby, I don't want to cut off my family, but they aren't willing to accept me without a man to make me "complete." How can I get through to them that my goals in life are different from theirs? -- SINGLE AND HAPPY IN OHIO (Abby's Reply)DEAR S AND H: Your parents' thinking appears to be stuck in a time warp. A life partner can be wonderful, but it's no guarantee of happiness or security. Witness the number of marriages that fail and the number of households headed by single mothers who struggle to make ends meet. You should contact the bank manager and find out how your account was set up and how you can access it now. Your parents should not hold your money hostage. If you wish to use it to further your education, you should be free to do so. (I assume that the salary you earn now is banked in your name only.) You weren't put on the Earth to make your parents' dreams come true. As parents, it's their job to help you be the best that you can be. They should thank their lucky stars that you are self-supporting and motivated to do even better. Many parents would be proud to have a daughter like you. (My Reply)DEAR S AND H: There are several ways to deal with inconsistent family members. They claim that they want you to be happy, yet they continue to make you unhappy. The simplest way to be happy would be to cut their brake lines before they go somewhere together. They won't be around to bug you about boys if you kill them. Then, also, you would have access to your money because you are the only surviving name on the account. |
| DEAR ABBY: I am in a live-in relationship with a man I'll call Howard. Last year, I began quietly seeing "Adam." Howard found out about the affair a few months later, but didn't want us to break up.
I decided to stay with Howard even though I am in love with Adam, because I can't support myself on my own. After that, Adam decided it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I know he's right, but I'd really like to talk to him. Right now, I'm agonizing over whether to call him. When I ask my family or friends for advice, they say I should move on and get over Adam, because I'm only 21 and have my whole life ahead of me. The truth is, I can't let go so easily. It has been about four months since we last spoke. Should I call Adam, and if I do, what should I say? -- CLUELESS IN VEGAS (Abby's Reply)DEAR CLUELESS: Listen to your family and friends; they have your best interests at heart. In the meantime, I strongly recommend that you take a breather before going another round with anyone. Do not call Adam until you have left Howard and become self-supporting. That way, he will know you are not after him for a meal ticket, too. (My Reply)DEAR CLUELESS: Kill yourself, you cheating whore. |
| Sadly, I no longer have much inclination to make fun of poor Jeannie Philips and her awkward advice. I refer you now to a sex advice column written by someone who gives much humorous advice and hates the bint almost as much as I do. Plus, he's a fag. |