familiarity

Oh dear gods it burns. It's like nothing anybody has ever felt. The most exquisite pain, ripping away at the corners of my mind. It's like fire and sex, but in such a painful way. It hurts. And there's nothing I can do to make it stop. I make myself go back to that place, remember that time when everything seemed perfect. A silver night after a perfect day. But the silver is tarnished and the day was more pain than I'll ever remember.
I wish it would just leave. I wish I could drive myself into madness, never to remember. But I know that I'd just lose everything and keep that one thing, the memory of that beautiful feeling that I don't know if I'll ever feel again.
Is there no balm in Gilead?
I need to scream. I need to let it go. I need to drink myself into oblivion. I should become an addict, to drive the memories out of my disobedient mind. But I'm too weak to do even that. I can't see the road ahead of me. The once-bright colors have been muted, and I know that it is twilight. Never again, but I keep going back. I drive myself back to that place because it was the only time that I ever belonged. It was right and damn you for taking it away. Damn you for finding someone else. Damn you to the deepest hell for putting this terrible agony inside my soul. I feel so empty and it is all your fault.
It hits me sometimes, washing over me like a wave. I sit and I think, and I start to cry. Crying doesn't even make it better. I need something, some sort of closure. I don't know what it could be.
It felt so right! How can you say that it was wrong? I know there were problems, but I can't help but think that they could have been worked out. Damn you for thinking that I wasn't worth it. I hate you. I love you. I just want this to be over.
I remember a night after a winter concert. You walked into the restauraunt. We ate, went to the mall, talked. I was too scared to kiss you when the evening was over. I waited and you never made a move. So we parted. Oh, gods, why couldn't we just have left it at that? Why can't I just go back and tell myself to let it go? There's so much there, and I would trade all the good times for a moment of solace. Just as I've damned you, I damn myself.
I don't mourn for you as much as I mourn for myself. I've killed a part of me for you. So now I sit here and cry, and write, and scream in my mind for the things I've lost, the things I've sacrificed to you. This is wrong, it's not fair. Nobody said it would be, but why can't life just be fair in this one thing?
But no, you have to go find yourself. You have to feel like somebody. You have to throw everything away for somebody who loves you so much more than I did that he pulls knives on you and cuts you for fun. Maybe you like it, I don't know. Obviously I don't know much about anything.
And now I'm twisted by this feeling for you, this mixture of lust and love, longing and loathing. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. Maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe I should just go on and compare everything I ever experience to somebody I wish I could erase out of the history of my life. I sing a requiem for our past and move on, always coming back to thinking of you. The only familiarity I'll ever truly know.