NOTE: I wrote this in the spring of 2001, so don't bust my chops about things that have changed for this season. You can always check the main page for the latest in racin info!!

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OK I have this Yankee friend who is about to make her first visit to the rolling hills of middle Tennessee, which is like going to Namibia if the only places you've ever been in your life are New York and New York South (that place that can't figure out how to vote). Maybe Namibia's a bad example, cause that part of Tennessee is the whitest part of the world this side of Antarctica. Anyhoo, being the nice guy that I am, I figured she might need some basic survival skills to help her mingle with the native folk and make her trip more enjoyable. And this time of year the only thing on people's minds is racin, cause it's still 3 months till college football starts. Here are a few tips on passing yourself off as a NASCAR fan, even though the closest thing you've seen to racing is when another subway train passes yours, or when two taxis swap some paint.

TIP #1 - Pick a driver

VERY IMPORTANT! You can't just say "Oh I like them all", they'll peg you as an outside agitator in a second. You have to have a driver, and you have to have a car maker, and you need to know which car maker your driver drives. Make it very clear that you've loved this driver since back when he was racin go-karts in Dalton, Georgia.....you're not some bandwagon fan who jumps to whoever happens to be winning this year. Your driver is the center of your universe, all other drivers suck.......your whole outlook on life depends on how your driver is doing.
Obvious Picks - If you want to go mainstream, it's pretty easy, but it might make it harder to convince people you're not a bandwagon fan. If you're a woman, go with Jeffy Gordon, cause he's a slick, popular pretty boy. Actually, he's the devil incarnate and the evil opposite of what NASCAR should be, but that discussion can wait until another time. Jeffy drives the #24 Dupont Chevy Monte Carlo.....it's always good to refer to the car number instead of the driver, i.e. "Hooo-weeee, how about that 24 car?? He sure did whoop some ass last week!" Another safe choice is Tony Stewart in the #20 Home Depot Pontiac Grand Prix. He's kinda the arch enemy of Jeffy (well he was when he was winning anyway)...still a new-school pick tho. The best pick of the "popular young guys" in my opinion is Dale Earnhardt Jr. in the #8 Budweiser Monte Carlo. He's a Southern boy from right here in NC, and comes from a stock-car racin family.....we'll cover his dad here shortly.
Other Picks - A good strategy might be to pick a driver who's not so hot at the moment, that shows your devotion to the driver (and the sport). Dale Jarrett is a good pick at the moment, he's on top in points but fading.....and if you can pull for that ugly-ass #88 UPS Taurus, you must be a racing fan. Other good choices are Bobby Labonte (#18 Pontiac), Jeff (#99 Taurus) or Ward (#22 Dodge) Burton, and Mark Martin (#6 Viagra Taurus).
Picks to Avoid - If you pick an oddball driver, people will look at you funny. Whenever people look at you funny, just say "C'mon man I was pullin your leg!" and laugh. Try to avoid:
Retired Guys (Darrell Waltrip, Dick Trickle (yes that's really his name), Richard Petty)
Guys Who Look Like Aliens (Todd Bodine)
Guys Who Win Once in Their Career (Michael Waltrip)
Guys With Nicknames (Hut Stricklin, Buckshot Jones)

TIP #2 - Know Your Dales

ONCE AGAIN, VERY IMPORTANT! Whenever anyone mentions Dale, Big E, The Intimidator, or #3, get a sad look on your face, stare at the floor, and say "Man, I still can't believe he's gone". If you should find yourself at an actual race, or even watching one on TV, be sure and hold up 3 fingers during the third lap (even if it's under caution, it usually is). Always remember that there is only one true Dale.....Dale Jarrett should be referred to as "DJ" or "that 88 sumbitch", and Dale Junior should be referred to as "Little E" or "Dale Junior". Don't get this one mixed up, someone's liable to punch you.

TIP #3 - Speak the Lingo

Don't call it stock car racing, don't call it NASCAR, call it racin (think wrasslin). "Points" are Winston Cup points awarded to drivers based on performance in the races. "Pit stops" are when the cars stop to get fuel and tires (and crash into people if you're Jeffy Gordon. HA!). When they have a wreck they "go under caution", signified by the "yellow flag". This slows everyone down while they clean up the mess. If your guy makes someone wreck, he was just "racin hard". If someone makes your guy wreck, he's a "dirty sumbitch". Cars can be "tight" or "loose", depending on the way it's handling. If a car spins 3 times and slams into the wall, it was probably "way loose".

TIP #4 - What Should I Wear?

Jeans and a t-shirt. Period. Wear your driver's t-shirt if it's race day, or if he won last weekend. Don't spend money on one of those jackets that are supposed to make you look like a driver. They only make you look like a jackass. Even if you're a driver.

TIP #5 - Beverages (and Breakfast)

Well if you're in a dry county (pretty likely in Tennessee), or there are Baptists around (Hey, why do you have to take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing? Cause if you only take one, they'll drink all your beer!), then you're probably limited to sweet tea, Coke, or moonshine. No, it's not iced tea, the ice is a given, who the hell drinks tea without ice in it?. If you're lucky enough to be Baptist-free, have a Bud, a Miller, or some Jack Daniels. Don't ask for chardonnay or gooseberry flavored merlot, people will look at you funny (see the "Picks to Avoid" part of Tip #1). And hey, we don't care what y'all drink in New York City, you ain't in New York City!
During your visit, there's a good possibility that somebody's Mom or sister will make breakfast, which will consist of biscuits, gravy, grits, eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, and pork chops. Don't even think about asking for fruit or yogurt, Momma got up at 5 AM to cook you this mess of food, and things will not go well down the road if you make Momma mad. Besides, you're too skinny, you need some groceries in you.

TIP #6 - Do Your Homework

Go to thatsracin every few days and study up on who's doing what. Know who won the Winston Cup last year (Bobby Labonte). Know the big tracks (Daytona, Talladega, Charlotte, Bristol's in Tennessee). Watch an actual race (you really only have to watch the first 20 laps or so and the last 20 laps or so, nap or sunbathe in between). Who knows, you may find yourself hooked, and you can come see me in Charlotte in October!

That should be enough to get you started. If you have any more questions or any corrections (I stand by all my Jeffy comments, so save your breath), feel free to e-mail me and let me know. Happy fakin!!!

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