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Some Events In The Life of...
Part II
Written By Himself.
"Soon after this, I received great comfort from Proverbs xxx. 5.
Every word of God, both precept and promise, seemed pure. I felt my
soul yield up to Christ and trust in him, and believed he would be
my shield and defence.
"A young man, about my age, in the neighborhood, professed to be
converted. The work was short with him, and he came out strong and
bold. He and myself set up evening meetings, to sing, pray, and
speak according to our Proportion of faith, as the Spirit gave us
utterance. A number of men opened their houses, and many came in to
hear the boys. It was common for each of us in turn to Preach two
or three of our sort of sermons at each meeting. When I was going
to these meetings, I often had such fears that I was not converted,
but only deceived that I had learned these things of men and not of
Christ; and viewing the greatness of the work of manifesting truth
to the consciences of men in the sight of God; all together would
nearly take away my strength, so that I could not walk. At such
times, I would resolve to appoint no more meetings. But when I got
to the meeting, the gloom and horror of my mind would subside,
which emboldened me to appoint another; but when I had left the
meeting and was returning home, the same load would fall upon me.
In this course I continued from February to June.
"The work of ingathering, which prevailed the year before, seemed
to be over; and I know not that any new cases of conversion took
place at these little meetings.
"Within the time that I have been treating of, I visited one of the
young converts, who told me his dream. Said he, `I dreamed I was
down by the burying-ground in Grafton, and saw a large company of
people coming from the north-east, and you were in the midst of
them, riding in a horse cart. The procession came to the place
where a gallows was erected. The hangman drove his cart under the
gallows, and fastened the halter which was around your neck to the
transverse of the gallows. You then arose, and, with hands and eyes
towards heaven, said, `Lord Jesus, for thy cause I am brought to
this end.' The hangman then led off the horse and cart you swung,
and I awoke. Soon I slept and dreamed again, that I was in
Worcester, where was a vast concourse of people, and Captain G.
among the rest: said the Captain to me `Do you know John Leland?'
I answered, `yes.' `Well,' said he, `John is to be hanged today,
for preaching heresy.' The procession then moved into the
burying-ground, in Worcester, with you in the cart, where the same
tragedy was repeated that was done in Grafton.'
"This dream, told to me with great solemnity, when I was so weak
and fearful, made me more ready to halt than I was before.
"Two things greatly perplexed me at this time. One was, that I felt
more moral evil in myself, than I could see or believe there was in
the young converts. When I saw them with their lamb-like faces and
dove-like eyes, and heard them pray and praise, they appeared to me seraphical; and I had formed the conclusion, that if I should ever
be converted I should be so too; but now, (notwithstanding the
little hope which I entertained for myself, and durst not deny it,)
I found more corruption in me than can be described. The other was,
the want of will. At times, I would feel as if my whole soul was
absorbed in the fountain of love, and devout prayer was the breath
of my heart; at other times, I would feel such amazing languor and
want of will, that if I might have had all the glories of heaven
for asking, I could not have sincerely done it. This gave me a very
poor opinion of myself. Indeed, from that time to the present, I
have had a constant falling out with myself; which leads me to cry
out, O, wretched man that I am!
"To these two perplexities, I may add another, which was a constant
worry in my mind about preaching. No sooner was my mind exercised
about the salvation of my soul, than it was agitated about
preaching. The number of sermons (such as they were) that I
preached, when alone by myself, was very great. Both saints and
sinners said, `John will be a preacher.' My mother professed that
she had the same impressions about me when I was a sucking child;
but my fears were, that the Devil was at the bottom of it, seeking
to deceive me, and cheat me out of my soul.1 Text after text would
crowd into my mind to urge me on; but 1 could not tell whether they
were the voice of God or the voice of Eli whether the Devil
suggested them to me whether they were accidental, or whether they
came from the good spirit of God.
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1 ___To quote and transcribe all the texts, with the peculiar
bearings each had on my mind, would swell the narrative to large. [Compiler]
"Strange to relate, one hour I would entertain a comfortable hope
that my sins were pardoned; the next hour, nearly give up all hope;
fearing that all my exercises were self-learned, and that I had not
been taught of God; the third hour, be impelled that I must preach
or perish. This conflict wore off my flesh, and made me irresolved
about anything.
"My faith was firm in this: that no man should undertake to Preach
until he was born of God: that no man born of God was, by that
change, prepared to preach; that Christ called unto him whom he
would, for the work of preaching, either fishermen, herdsmen, or
men of science; and when he called and ordained them, if they
neglected the work, and conferred with flesh and blood, they would
be disobedient to the heavenly vision.
"The first of June, 1774, Elder Noah Alden, of Beliingham, came to
Northbridge, and baptized seven others and myself. Four of them
were men, and the others women. I was extremely dark in my mind but
when I gave a relation of my exercises, I had this hope, that if I
was deceived, the preacher would discern it and reject me: and that
if he rejected me, it would strike such conviction into my heart
that would lead me on to a sure conversion. The preacher, however,
only asked me if I believed in the Calvinistical doctrine? I
replied, I did not know what it was, but I believed in free grace.
"As he received me, dark as my mind was, I would not give back. The
preacher was a short man, and, therefore, requested me to go into
the water with him, to assist him in raising and leading the women,
which I consented to. After it was over, the people said, `John has
begun and he will keep on.' The day afterwards, on reflection of
what was past, I felt strengthened, and could say, `Thus it is
written, and thus it behooved me.'
"On Sunday, the 20th of June, I went to meeting at Grafton, where
there was no preacher. My mind was greatly embarrassed about
preaching, and my prayer was, that I might know my duty. The words
of the Prophet occurred to my mind, `There is none to guide her of
all the sons she has brought forth.' Having the Bible in my pocket,
I drew it out, and, without design, opened to Mal. [2:2]; ` this
commandment is for you. If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay
it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the Lord of Hosts,
I will even send a curse upon you .' Whatever the original design
of the text was, at that time it arrested my conscience thus: Thou
art the man. Attempts to evade the force of it were all in vain. I
must either lay it to heart, open my mouth and give glory to the
name of God, or his curse would fall upon me. Fearing the hot
displeasure of the Lord, I rose in great distress, and, having read
Mal. iii. 16, 17, I told the people, if there was no objection, I
would attempt to speak a little from the text. Being answered with
silence, as custom led the way, I divided my text into several
heads of doctrine. At the beginning, my mind was somewhat
bewildered, and my words sounded very disagreeable to myself; so
much so, that I partly resolved to quit; but continuing, my ideas
brightened, and after a while I enjoyed such freedom of thought and
utterance of words as I had never before. I spake about half an
hour and then closed. One of the old Christians made a prayer, and
thanked God for what he had discovered in the young man. At
noontime, I was all delight; my burden of soul, which had borne me
down so long and so low, was all gone, and I concluded I should
never have it any more. But when the people collected for afternoon
worship, my spirits sunk within me. I retired into a lot, and fell
down upon my face, by a fence, full of dismay; but suddenly the
words which God spake to Joshua, `Why liest thou open thy
face? up,' gave me to understand that there was no peace for me in
indolence. I therefore went to the meeting-house, and tried to
preach again, but made miserable work of it. I continued, however,
to try to preach, as doors opened; but I tried it more than ten
times before I equaled the first, in my own feeling. A question
rose in my mind, whether I should be received if I gave myself
wholly to the work; which was answered by Solomon thus: `A man's
gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men.' From
a sense of my insufficiency, I trembled at the attempt; but what
was said to a king in another case, was now spoken to a feeble
youth: `Be ye strong, therefore, and let not your hands be weak,
for your work shall be rewarded.'
"I finally surrendered, and devoted my time and talents to the work
of the ministry, without any condition, evasion or mental
reservation. In myself, I have seen a rustic youth unacquainted
with men, manners and books; without the smallest prospects, or
even the thought of gain or applause, turn out a volunteer for
Christ, to contest with all the powers of darkness. It is possible,
however, that I have been deceived in the affair, (for thousands
are,) but if I have been deceived, it was an error in my judgment.
A hypocrite, I was not; for, at that time, nothing could have
tempted me to engage in the work, until I was moved by the Holy
Ghost. The greatest obstruction that I had, when undertaking the
work, was this: I did not believe that I had the longing desire and
holy zeal for the salvation of sinners, that some preachers had;
indeed, this was my heaviest trial for the first five years of my
ministry. I had, however, a love for the, gospel and the gospel
worship, and was pleased when I saw people turning to the Lord.2
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2 __From a manuscript, written mostly in 1800, the following
extract is taken:--
"Volumes might be written upon the wanderings, darkness and errors of my
life, which would afford no pleasure to others in hearing thereof, and
which would be of no advantage to myself to relate; and, therefor, I shall
pass them by, and attend only to a few of God's gracious and notable
dealings with me, a great sinner, in my ministerial labors. Under all
the trials and temptations that I have passed through for twenty-six
years, I have never felt guilty for undertaking to preach at the time
when I began. I cannot reproach myself with undertaking the work from
any other motive than a real belief that it was my indispensable duty.
I might have been deceived; but a hypocrite I was not, so far as I have
ever yet seen. Yet, from the 20th June, 1774, until November, 1779, I
had one general trial in my mind. It was this: I did not possess that
strong desire for the conversion sinners, that many others evidently had.
This made me fear that all was not right with me."
"From this beginning, I preached in the towns around where I was
requested.
"The first preaching tour that I made, was a small one, about forty
miles in length; preaching to little congregations on the way. My
mind was dark when first setting out, but grew darker and darker
all the way, till, at length, I concluded that I had run before I
was sent, and, therefore, returned home with precipitance,
resolving to attempt the work no more.
"Before I went on this journey, I had appointed a meeting to attend
after my return; had it not been for this circumstance, I know not
what would have brought me into action. But attending that
appointment, I obtained great comfort, and resolution to persevere.
"At one of these little meetings, a young woman received a gracious
change, and gave good evidence of it. This encouraged me, that my
labor was not in vain. About thirty years afterwards I saw her. She
had joined with the Presbyterians, and blamed me for being a close
communicant. I asked her, if her ministers and church would let me
preach in their meeting-house; she said, she believed not. Why
then, said I, should I be blamed for not communing with those who
have no fellowship with me?
"The autumn of this year, I joined Bellingham church, (for till
then, I belonged to no church,) and after about six months, that
church gave to me a license to do that which I had been doing for
a year before.
"In October, 1775, I took a journey to Virginia, and was gone eight
months. One person in New Jersey, one in Connecticut, and two in
Virginia, professed to receive some impression, under my
improvement, which turned them to the Lord."
September 30, 1776, I was married to Sally Devine, of Hopkinton ;
and immediately started with her to Virginia. As we made a stay of
six weeks at Philadelphia, and a longer stay in Fairfax, Virginia,
we did not reach Culpepper until March. At Mount Poney, in
Culpepper, I joined the church, and undertook to preach among them
half the Sundays. In August, I was ordained by the choice of the
church, without the imposition of the hands of a Presbytery. As
this was a departure from the usage of the churches in Virginia, I
was not generally fellowshipped by them. I spent all my time
traveling and preaching, and had large congregations. The first
person that I baptized, was Betsey Tillery. I saw her in 1814. She
had then supported a Christian character for thirty-eight years. In
the close of the year 1777, I traveled as far south as Pee Dee
river in South Carolina, and returned to Culpepper early in 1778.
Soon after this, I removed into Orange county, where I acquired me
a residence, and where I continued all the time of my stay in
Virginia. My stay in Culpepper was not a blessing to the people. I
was too young and roving to be looked up to as a pastor.
Difficulties arose, the church split, and I just obtained a
dismission and recommendation. God had another man for Mount Poney
church. William Mason became their pastor, and he has done wonders
in the name of Jesus. Having moved to Orange, I commenced my labors
with ardor. Twelve and fourteen times a week I frequently preached.
But, notwithstanding the constancy of my preaching, and the
multitudes that attended, there was but small appearance of the
work of God's spirit. I said before, I knew my heart did not burn
with the holy fire as it ought to.
In the spring of 1779, 1 appointed a string of meetings, about one
hundred and twenty miles, as far down as York county. As I had sold
my horse to pay for my house and lot, I concluded to go on foot:
accordingly I started; but, as I had a pair of new shoes that
pinched my feet, I found I must either desist--go barefoot, like
the old Apostles, or purchase a horse. I chose the last, and
promised the Lord if he would aid me to pay for the horse, I would
spend it in his service. I gave my note for the beast, and pursued
my journey. It so happened, in the event, that when I returned home,
I had more than money enough to pay for my mare; and
many thonsands of miles she cnrried me about to preach. But though she
was good, she was not invulnerable; for, on the 8th of June, as I was
returning from Bedford county, I called at a friend's house, and found, by
the badness of the saddle, her back was so swelled that I could not ride
her. A man, twenty miles distant, had fallen from a fence and broken
his neck, and this day I had appointed to preach his funeral sermon
commemorative. My friend could not help me, and, therefore, I arose at
daybreak and travelled twenty miles, preached to the people, and then
returned on foot to my'friend's, where my beast was.3
3_____________________
__In June, this year, the first Camp Meeting was attended in Caroline county, that I
ever heard of. By arrangement, eight or ten Baptist preachers held the meeting three
days and nights ; but, as nothing extraordinary followed, it was not repeated ; and it was
a number of years before those meetings arose in the West, and have spread all over the United States.
In September, this year, I was likewise returning from Bedford, and
bad an evening meeting at a place called the North Garden. After
preaching was over, a Mrs. Baily informed me that she had a desire to be
baptized, but her husband had told her, if she was ever baptized he would
whip her within an inch of her life, and kill the man that should baptize
her. That he had once seen me, and liked me so well, that he said if
Leland should come that way he might baptize her; and now she wished to
embrace the opportunity. I asked her if she was willing to suffer, on
supposition her husband should revolt to his first resolution. "Yes," said she,
if I am whipped, my Saviour had long furrows ploughed upon his back."
"Well," said I, "if you will venture your back, I will venture my head."
Accordingly, the candles were lighted-we went to the water, and she was
baptized. My engagements called me to start very early next morning.
I heard afterwards that he whipped her, but the head of John the Baptist
is not taken off yet.
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CHARGE TO DEACONS