People have been asking me the significance of Ostara Wolf. Ostara is my chosen “spiritual” name. It is the holiday of the Spring Equinox on March 21st, which happens to be my birthday. I love spring for its new beginnings and the smell of new life. I chose wolf because it is my totem animal and to me the goddess takes the form of a female wolf, Mother Wolf (Mother Earth). And god takes the form of a raven, Father Raven (Father Sky). In the natural world, the wolf and the raven are many times seen together, working together.
I also would like to apologize to those who were at my Handfasting. I invited a long time friend of mine that I regret having invited. I have for a long time wanted to believe in her, and it took me a long time and a big event to realize she will always be self-centered. Everything that I witnessed and heard about her saying or doing truly hurt me. It hurt me because I believed in her and it hurt me because it felt as though she didn’t care about me enough to let it be my day. Instead she made several inappropriate clothing changes and did a lot of really inappropriate, disrespectful, and irresponsible things after the reception that involved many of my close family and friends, and for that I am truly upset to have put anyone in that situation. I wrote a long letter to her and I have resolved to no longer be apart of her drama, because I have a choice in the matter; it just took me a long time to realize it. So, for those who were around her, I apologize and want you to know we are no longer involved.
And moving on to the good stuff… right now we are sitting in the car at an overlook on the beautiful and scenic Blue Ridge Parkway in North Carolina. It runs for about 470 miles through N. Carolina and Virginia. There are no commercial vehicles allowed, no billboards or big ugly signs, just two lanes going 45 mph through mountains and forest. If you ever have the chance, no, the privilege, you must take this drive, it’s breathtaking in the fall. The trees and shrubs are every shade of red, orange, yellow, and purple. We are at an elevation of 3805 today and yesterday we were at around 6500, wheeling around the ridges of the mountains. The cloud elephants are roaming the cornflower blue skies and the leaves are flying around on the winds of change.
This past weekend I was in Black Mountain at my women’s retreat for my second year of revelations and connecting with Mother Nature and so many beautiful women I am proud to call my mothers and sisters. One of my main goals for the weekend was to understand my feelings about my journey ahead. Since we left Gainesville, I have been having mild breathing problems, so I wanted to know where that energy was going and why. Through many incredible, but personal, experiences at the retreat (by means of the talking stick at circle, breath-work, labyrinth, silent hikes in the woods with the medicine wheel, ecstatic dances dressed as goddesses and bonding at the campfire, morning circle, or paired up exercises) I came to realize my journey is about living, just living and loving it. I’m on a pilgrimage of releasing, opening and receiving, if I may borrow Elizabeth’s’ explanation of the labyrinth. My breathing problem is about my fear and I was being suffocated by it. I just needed to realize that I have this moment always, just breathe in, feel what I’m feeling and breathe out. I learned several other things like how we manifest or attract situations and people depending on how we are living our lives. I also learned that we should say things, even if we know it may hurt someone, because it is honest and that is being true to ourselves instead of living in denial. I was told that I was a powerful woman and that I just don’t know it yet…I hope I figure it out someday. I love my retreats and I love all the new vision women (you know who you are!). Thank you from the very depths of my heart and soul, you help heal me by making me realize I can heal myself.
So when B picked me up (just so you know Brian chose B because it is the main character of one of Daniel Quinn’s novels “The Story of B.”) we stayed the night at a very nice, very primitive and very free campsite in Old Fort, NC. We went on a really great day hike the next day. Most of the way we followed a creek that had several awesome waterfalls, one of which I danced in naked and singing, feeling the purity of living that nature intended. When we got to the top of the mountain, it was silent of all technology and the smell of the air was luminous and resplendent like nothing I’d ever known. We sat and ate lunch and afterward we bounded happily down the mountain feeling glorious in all of the freedom around us and the love we had for each other.
And so my intention is this: to truly live each day to the fullest (and not just hang that saying on my door and glance at it every so often), to breathe and experience what I’m feeling (and understand why I would want to suppress it) and to continue being honest with myself and others and believe that in the end I will find the power and strength in myself to continue doing it for the rest of my life. I shall call it my goal for unselfish self love.
