Warning: Not all entries will be like this and I tend to write in run-on sentences, especially at night.



I have discovered the only time I am able to think enough to have “discussions” with myself or raise issues about my life is late at night when everyone else is asleep and I am laying in bed in a newly found comfortable position.  Then after thinking for awhile I realize I have to get up from my comfy warm spot and go to another room (to avoid waking Brian and Josie) to write it all down before I lose it.  Which is why it is 1 AM and I am sitting in my grandmas’ chair and writing.  Then I find myself writing very fast so I won’t forget my wording.  

    I am starting to understand the backward rules of our society.  The first one I realized is that I’m 25 and just now seeing others as human beings.  I see the flaws that I either laughingly accept or reject and if I’m close enough to them, I let them know why.  The second one is that people can be so mean or rude and if you accept it you must deal with the anguish alone or ignore it (neither healthy options).  Or if you confront the issue as is, you are the one who has spoiled the peace and it’s now your fault that life isn’t peachy-keen because you decided not to “put up” with it anymore.  

    I also feel very strange about the whole blogging thing.  I could very well just put my “day to day, here’s what happened,” but I found that when I reread all my old diaries, those entries sucked when it came to any insights I might have had and might have wanted to remember years later…like now.  The few entries I had where sparks flew and it made me really appreciate some understanding I had, really helped me to understand many of my current views and visions.  So, if this is to be the one thing I will likely write in I want it to be meaningful to me…and to those reading it.  So, this is what’s strange to me: taking something as personal and possibly offensive to many people as my midnight ramblings and putting them into a media as large and insecure as the internet.  It’s obviously not stopping me from doing it, but it’s just how I feel.  

I’m someone who’s coming out of the haze of fake personalities (and bodies), the multitudes of masks we all wear, and the perfect veneer of this unreality we call western culture and is trying to shake off all the lies I was told to wear by our culture so as to hide myself from everyone else (as they hid themselves from me).  So, then we have spent all of our childhood building up this wall so high, we can’t even make sense of what’s behind our own wall.  Then we spend the rest of our lives “searching for ourselves” to the point that the layers are so deep we take anti-depressants or whatever else to just forget about it and keep going to work, going to school, doing the chores, and raising children, till we forget that all those things we learned to hide and cover up as children never really existed and we become the lies.  

    So, here I am just saying whatever is on my mind, because I’ve decided what I have to say is not worthless.  I have known all along that I was a writer, I just had to realize that what I had to say was just as important to say as what anyone else had to say.  I guess I never really felt that what I had to say was good enough or that I would be wrong to say it and people would be angry with me, but then I had to realize a couple things: why they would be angry and why that bothered me.  They’d be angry (if they were angry) because I’m being too honest about my feelings and no one wants to talk about feelings, much less be honest about them.  And their possible anger bothered me because I always want to please everyone and make everyone like me, but I’ve learned that you can’t please everyone and if a person doesn’t like you for who you are, their friendship probably isn’t right for you.  Even if what I had or have to say is naïve, it’s sincere and I’m ready to find out who my real friends are.  

    In my past I’ve had many ideas for books, but due to my low self-esteem and lack of enthusiasm to say what I need to say even if it pisses others off, I shelved the ideas.  But now the gears in my mind are, slowly, beginning to turn again and I’ve realized what I needed most to write what I want to write is validation from myself (I don’t care how cheesy that sounds).  So, on our journey for our new life, I hope to be gaining new insights for a good first book.

    I’ve also discovered that I am perpetually avoiding thinking or talking about what I really want in a community or how I picture it.  I kept thinking maybe it’s better that way, then I can keep an open mind.  But, then I know there will be too much confusion later on because I know what I want deep down and it’s best to define it now, so I can be open to redefine it as I visit new places.

-Acres of land, including forest, prairie, hills, river, pond (swimming hole)

-1-3 buildings including a community building/eating space, big farm house with big porches and many rooms for people to live in

- 10-16 people (give or take)

- Gardens/Orchards – community and personal

- Vegetarian meals, eating together more often than not

- Real consensus decision making

- More learning to live, not living to educate

- Sustainable

- Good friends, all ages

- Women and men not afraid to be proud of their unequal strengths and to not only carry them out but to bond through them and celebrate them

- Children learning naturally through imitation to live life rather than through years of repetition of things that don’t matter (which is why we have to do so much repetition in our society – it’s natural to remember what you really need to live, all the rest is forgotten…or pounded needlessly into our brain)

I think that’s all for now, I’m getting tired and it’s 2 AM, so good night and good luck!



-Nicole



Goals:

Fears (real or not real?)

? Ostara or Nicole…or both

 Positive affirmations list

 At least think about what I’m eating

 Outspoken or silent?

 How to say thank you