So, here is the big news. B and I are going to France for three months. As cheaply as possible, of coarse. And then you’ll want to know why. Well, about two weeks ago, B and I got into an argument/discussion about my enthusiasm or lack thereof. It started out simply about my lack of risk-taking and trip planning during our journey. I had thoughts and ideas every once in a while, but my heart wasn’t in it. Well, we stumbled on the source.
Not so long ago, I had a very deep-seeded and well loved and longed for dream. And those of you who know me well know exactly what it was…I wanted to live in France. From the time I was 7, I was intensely curious about all things French. I asked my teachers for French words and wrote them down, I took French classes, and I saved money for 10 years so that at 17, I went to France for a month. I went again with my family for my parents 25th anniversary and then again by myself after I graduated from college. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to live in a small village in France (with access to Paris, of coarse). Well, for many reasons, I suffocated that dream and it died, along with a giant part of my heart.
Well, B and I dredged up a lot of this in our discussion and he realized France had not just been some silly childhood dream for me, it was part of who I was. But we all grow up and we forego dreams for reality and live with the regrets and that’s just part of life, right? Right? Well, even realizing all of this, I didn’t have a hope or a thought of bringing that dream back to life. But, B had a different perspective and for two weeks he started asking questions about France and researching its culture and its people and my thoughts about it. He started pushing me to remember my little mini dreams of living in a small apartment above a bread shop, where the scented breeze came through the real shuttered window and I rode my bike around town. Where everyone knew each other and when I walked into a shop, the bells would tinkle and the shop keep would say “Bonjour, Nicole! Ca va?,” and I would reply, “Ca va bien, et tu?” Stupid dreams, right? Silly.
And then B started making plans and having ideas about how we could visit. I outright laughed in his face and said, “Please, no more, it’s too much!” And then we started really talking and I realized he was willing to do some heavy research in France to see if he and we would really want to live there. I know his greatest fear right now is what if I love it and he hates it? But, I still don’t really realize we are actually going to France for three months, even though we booked our flight tonight. Most of the logistics are worked out or are working themselves out as we go. So, in my disbelief there are rare moments when I let myself believe and I feel alive again. But they’re few and far between right now.
I think what I am upset with is a feeling of resistance from some, as it has been throughout this journey. And what really gets to me is that when you’re young, all the adults tell you to follow your dreams, follow your heart. And then when you get to the age where following your dreams is possible, they freak out at the grandness of your until-then supported dreams and say, “What are you doing!? Settle down!” And realizing this just makes me angry. It’s a let down and a betrayal of sorts. This is the kind of attitude that says just deal with life, be content (not blissful or even really happy) and live with the regrets until you die of a life not lived to YOUR fullest. I don’t know, maybe people really are happy, I'm just trying to do the same.
Anyway, so it goes and the journey continues. We still plan to come back in April to Detroit for my grandma Hannah’s 90th birthday party. And after that we intend to continue our journey here in the U.S. So, plans for when we are visiting certain places may be put off a bit, but hey, that’s the way this merry-go-round goes round.
I’m hoping that soon it will hit me and I will be in France and remembering what it was like to dream.
Thank you, B, for loving me this much. And you know, deep down, I’m trying to be mushier. J
