By SékouWrites,
NiaOnline columnist
It used to seem that 30 was the age of mandatory
retirement for women as objects of desire. Now, in
the era of getting your groove back with a younger
man, women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s are sexier
than ever in society's eyes.
NiaOnline recently asked guest columnist
SékouWrites, a New York-based relationship writer
and novelist, to weigh in on the topic. Every
month, through a column entitled "Black Men on
Black Love," he addresses questions that are
submitted to his Web site, SekouWrites.com. He is
joined in his comments by H. Jean Wright II, Psy.D,
a Philadelphia-based psychologist.
Q: How do you view relationships where one
partner is significantly older than the other? I
find that more and more younger guys are flocking
to older women. They say that they can't deal with
young girls because they have no values. Is this
just their excuse for seeking financial security
from older women? -- Marva
SékouWrites: I met an island girl who had
an interesting story about how the women back home
kept their men. Each married woman would take the
time to create her own secret cooking spice to
ensure that her meals tasted so good that her
hubby wouldn't stray far from home. The spice was
called "keep Daddy home." Who knows if it's true,
but I like the concept.
I think every woman has her own rack of "keep
Daddy home" spices that come into play when she's
in a relationship. One woman's "keep Daddy home"
formula might be cooking delicious meals all the
time. For another it might mean making sure that
mind-blowing sex is always in abundant supply. The
possibilities are endless.
My point, Marva, is this: Your particular rack of
"keep Daddy home" spices may happen to be off the
hook to younger men. Your question seems to imply
some doubt as to whether these young suitors are
sincere or are just looking to take advantage of
your greater financial stability. It's probably a
bit of both. Your financial stability is a part of
your spice rack. Ain't nothing you can do about
it.
Also, there are a number of worldview differences
that are instilled in every new generation. For
those of us who have had an older (or younger)
partner, I think it's safe to say that we've all
noticed these subtle style differences. Many older
women seem to have an innate willingness to take
care of their man. They might manifest this by
fixing him a plate of food in public or cooking
and cleaning around the house.
Many younger women seem to take offense at the
idea of providing for a man in such a selfless way.
There are probably some young men who have
discovered this difference and made a conscious
choice to be with women who are willing to "take
care" of them.
So maybe the young men in question are not
decrying a lack of values as much as they are
lamenting an absence of the values they seek. I
doubt the average brother would sit a woman down
and explain that he wants to be taken care of.
That would seem almost chauvinistic. On the other
hand, if a brother decides he doesn't want to live
without this "taking care of" dynamic, a way for
him to increase the odds of getting that type of
treatment is to date older women.
Dr. H. Jean Wright II: My feeling is this:
A majority of men are used to being taken care of
and spoiled by their mothers. When they grow up
and begin choosing partners, they naturally look
for characteristics reflective of their mothers.
Women often have the same unconscious motivation
when looking for a mate. Many women grew up with
the experience of being "Daddy's little girl," and
as such, they have particular expectations of the
men in their lives. Neither gender is wrong in
having these expectations, as long as they are
both flexible and open to the reality of the mate
they actually have.
Although there are many different types of
relationships nowadays--heterosexual, homosexual,
purely platonic, and so on--the vast majority of
people are still more traditional in their
approach and in their expectations. Typically, men
want to be taken care of sexually and domestically,
and women want to be taken care of romantically
and financially. There are exceptions, of course,
and that's where individual differences come into
play.
I've heard some younger men complain that the
females their own age do not like to cook, clean,
or pamper. These women feel that to perform these
tasks is demeaning in some way. On the other hand,
men find that older women do not have these
emotional hang-ups and almost relish the
opportunity to do such things.
Upbringing (how a person was raised) determines
much of how this shakes out. However, what both
sides need to take into account is that gender
roles are no longer ironclad. There can be some
give and take by both partners so that each
receives much of what he or she wants and needs.
Compromise is key. This can come only from steady
and consistent communication--what I like to call
the "state-of-the-relationship address." In this
discussion, which should occur regularly, both
parties can share what they like or dislike about
their gender roles and how they see themselves in
the relationship. What people are likely to
discover is that there are many ways to please and
support their partner without feeling demeaned in
any way. After all, the whole point of being with
another person is to love and be loved.
SékouWrites: Dr. Wright and I are hitting
the same switches on this one. Constant
communication will help you figure out what's on
the minds of these young men. And for the brothers
inspired by Dr. Wright's words to try and talk
their lady into cooking and making up the bed
every day, make sure you're prepared to offer
something in exchange--or at least wear a
bulletproof vest!