MIDNIGHT AT HALLSWELL CASTLE

By G.P. WALKER

ACT 1 Scene I: THE CASTLE DINING ROOM

The Hill family sits round a table, listening to the thunder and watching the lightning. They are talking about the events the day. A small alarm clock rings out, then Big Ben chimes of thirteen o ' clock. Suddenly they hear a noise followed by a whine. They look up at each other. The maid walks into the room with mugs of Ovaltine and walks out again.

ALISON: Did you hear that, Dad?

MR.HILLS: Hear what?

MRS HILLS: That noise, dear. . . that spooky whine .

MR. HILLS: What whine? Was it red or white?

RICHARD: I 'm frightened, Dad,

MR. HILL: Oh, it's all right - it was probably the wind,

ALISON: I .. don ' t .. . think... so .... We've got ghosts! ( Screams)

MR. HILLS: Quieten down! Ghosts? Ha, ha, what an imagination. Listen to this (Jokingly) - Don't Spook unless you're Spooken to . Ha, ha . ( All laugh )

(A ghost (spot-lighted) darts across the stage. Alison squeals. She is the only one who has seen it. They all look at her.)

MRS HILLS: What's the matter, dear? Is your Ovaltine too hot?

ALISON ( Still shaking) I . . . I . . . I . . . saw…saw… a…a….a….a..

MRS. HILL: Burnt your tongue, did you? Sorry, I didn't tell you it was hot.

ALISON: ( Screaming) GHOST! I SAW A GHOST!

END OF SCENE 1

Scene II: THE CASTLE DUNGEON

The lights build up slowly. Dripping water can be heard Count Dracula rises from a large chair and paces around the dungeon mumbling to himself. He sits down again, facing the audience at an angle.

DRACULA: I must, I must. I have to, I just have to. (Pause) This wretched family living above me. I enjoyed my existence until the Hills family moved in, I hate those Hills. I must be rid of them. But how? (Jumps up off chair) I know! Of course, why didn't I think of it before? (Excitedly) I'll contact my fellow monsters to help me capture them. Then I'll suck their gorgeous blood and arouse them with the sound of my wonderful music. Then they will be my very own bloodless servants. Of course! I’ll send Lurch to fetch my friends right now. Lurch... Lurch... come here.

(Waits) Where is he? Oh, there he is under the arch. (Archers theme music) I said the arch, not "The Archers." (Lurch walks in and says with a deep voice……)

LURCH: You called, Master.

DRACULA: Yes, Lurch, I did. Go and contact all my monster friends. (Slyly) Tell them to come quickly. And while you're out, check on my account at the blood bank.

(Lurch walks off) (Dracula pours some blood from a bottle and sits down in order to drink it. Enter the Mummy)

 DRACULA: Ah! Hello Mummy. Sit down, the others will be here soon. Tell me, when were you actually alive? The Middle Ages? The Dark Ages?

MUMMY: Neither, it was the band-ages. (Enter Witch )

DRACULA: Hello, Witch. Is your twin sister coming?

WITCH: No. You might be too confused, not knowing which witch is which. (Pause) I can’t stay long, I’m afraid I must fly soon. (Sits down) (Enter Frankenstein – singing!, )

DRACULA: Who are you supposed to be? Frankenstein or Frankie Vaughan? Just bolt up. (Pause) I mean belt up!

FRANKENSTEIN: Lay off, mate. Do you think I have a screw loose or something? I'm not just any old nut. In fact I don't feel too well. Have you anything I could eat?

DRACULA: What would you like?

FRANKENSTEIN: How about an electric current?

DRACULA: Sit down! Your jokes are shocking. (Enter Monk)

DRACULA: How did you get in, oh holy monk?

MONK: I used my key.

DRACULA: What key?

MONK: My Monk Key! (Pause) Can I bring my Nan along?

DRACULA: Of course not. I intend to prohibit them

MONK: Ban nannas?

DRACULA: Yes. (Gives him a bananas) (Monk sits. Enter Executioner)

DRACULA: Ah! The Executioner. You're late.

EXECUTIONER: Sorry, I had to finish my tea.

DRACULA: What did you have?

EXECUTIONER: (swinging axe) Chops! (Sits)

DRACULA: I wonder what the wolf will wear tonight? (Enter Werewolf)

MONK: Werewolf,

DRACULA: (Not seeing Werewolf) No, I said wolf wear.

MONK: No. The Werewolf is here.

DRACULA: Don't call him Werewolf. He'll have a name. What do they call you?

WEREWOLF: A hairy, fictitious animal,

DRACULA: No, silly! I meant your none.

WEREWOLF: Harry.

DRACULA: Right, Hairy, if you'd like to take a Seat? (Enter Headless Man)

HEADLESS MAN: Where's Dracula?

DRACULA: Here.

HEADLESS MAN: (Not seeing him) Where? (Louder)

DRACULA: Here.

HEADLESS MAN: (Still not seeing him) WHERE?

DRACULA: Here! Now quieten down.

HEADLESS MAN: Sorry, but you see, when I get angry I just lose my head. (Sits)

DRACULA: Where's the Mad Professor? (Enter Mad Professor. Dramatic entrance)

MAD PROFF: HERE! (Lights go out)

DRACULA: It's Black Magic! (Pause)

MONK: Don't be daft. (Pause) It's Bournville Selection.

MAD PROFF: It's all right. It's only the light. I'll re-light it with this match. (Produces match)

DRACULA: Impossible. It's an electric light,

MAD PROFF: I said I'd light it with this match.

 DRACULA: Impossible. I'll bet you.

MAD PROFF: You're on! To prove I'm not cheating, no one shall go near the light switch. (Spotlights on light switch throughout the trick. Match lit - bulb back on (Magic light bulb trick that works by touch)

DRACULA : Fantastic! How did you do it?

MAD PROFF: (exaggerated) Well this extraordinary act is due to Einstein's ninety fourth law. It works by....

DRACULA: Forget it. ( Mad Professor sits)

FRANKENSTEIN: What's this all about?

DRACULA: Well, it's the family - the Hills (Points above), who live above me. I hate them so much that I want you to bring them to me so I can make them my slaves. I will suck their blood and make them my personal bloodless servants. They will rise to the sound of my wonderful music. OK?

EXECUTIONER: We owe him a favour, Let's do it.

ALL: Yes. OK. (Mumbling goes on between them)

DRACULA: Right, Frankenstein and Werewolf. You get the girl. Mummy and Mad Professor, you get the boy. Executioner and Headless Man, you get the mother. Witch and Monk, you get the father. THEN BRING THEM BACK TO ME!

(ALL EXIT)

END OF SCENE 2

ACT 2, SCENE 1: THE CASTLE DINING ROOM

MR. HILL: If a spook tried to haunt me, he wouldn't stand a ghost of a chance.

MRS. HILLS: Shut up, dear, It's quite frightening.

MR HILLS: Don't be silly, Ghosts indeed.

(The Werewolf appears opposite Alison, being only visible to her, She screams and points at him. As the family turns around to look, the Werewolf disappears. Meanwhile, while the family's backs are turned, wondering what has happened, Frankenstein grabs Alison and drags her away screaming. The family looks back to where she had been sitting.

MR. HILLS: What are you screaming at? There's nothing there……

MRS. HILLS: Alison's gone. She's been kidnapped. It's the ghosts,

MR. HILLS: I'm going to call the vicar to get rid of them. We need help, (Exits)

RICHARD: I'm frightened, Mummy.

(Enter Mummy. Mother faints)

RICHARD: You dare touch me, you walking first-aid kit.

(Enter Mad Professor)

MAD PROFF: Come quietly, or I'll drop this atom bomb. (Holds up balloon)

RICHARD: No, I won't, that's not a bomb.That's a balloon.

MAD PROFF: Confound it. Foiled again. (Bursts balloon which is filled with smoke. They both grab the boy and carry him off.)

(Enter Executioner and Headless Man)

EXECUTIONER: She's gone. (Trips over mother)

HEADLESS MAN: I think she's down there (Points)

EXECUTIONER: I didn't ask you.

HEADLESS MAN: I know you didn't. I got the chop three years before your time.

EXECUTIONER: I said ask you, not AXE you. (Exit both, carrying the mother Mrs Hills with them)

(Enter Mr. Hills, Vicar, and Maid)

MAID: Where is the rest of the family?

MR. HILLS: They're gone. It's all right, Emma, the vicars here now.

VICAR: Well, Mr. Hill, what do you want me for?

MR. HILLS: We've got ghosts. They've kidnapped my daughter and now my family. It all started when Alison, that's my daughter, heard noises, bumps and whines.

VICAR: What sort of wines? Burgundy, Blue Nun?

MR. HILLS: That's my joke.

VICAR: Don't blame me, blame the ScriptWriter He probably forgot he'd used the joke before.

MR. HILLS: You can have the stupid joke. It's a pathetic joke anyway.

MAID: Aren't they all?

MR. HILLS: Back to the story line. (Very dramatic) My family, my poor family. Gone. Lost without trace. I'm finished. The world does not want me. If I do not find my family I have nothing. (Starts crying uncontrollably)

VICAR: (To the audience) I can see this is going to be a long night. (To Emma) Have you got a telephone here Emma? I had better tell Mrs. King, my housekeeper to keep my dinner warm for me.

MAID: I'm sorry, Vicar, the telephone is out of order. We have got a short wave radio though. Here it is…

VICAR: Thank you very much. (Tuning it in) Castle to King One, come in, Castle to King-one, over. (From radio-CHECKMATE!")

MR. HILLS: It's no good, Vicar. We're obviously cut off from the outside world. Please can we get on with what you are here for.

VICAR: And what is that?

MR. HILLS: Go exorcise the ghosts, of course.

VICAR: But I've heard they're pretty fit already.

MR. HILLS: I said exorcise not exercise.

VICAR: I'm sorry but I'm afraid I can't

MR. HILLS: Why not?

VICAR: I'm scared of ghosts. (Exits Screaming)

MAID: I'll see if I can persuade him. (Exit Maid.)

MR. HILLS: Ghosts. Ha, ha. I'm scared (Mockingly)

(Enter Witch and Monk)

MONK: Ah! Are you Mr. Hills?

MR.HILLS: Yes, I am. who are you? I'm a monk.

MR.HILLS: But there aren't any monks around nowadays?

MONK: No. I'm a twelfth-century monk.

MR. HILLS: Impossible. You'd be dead.

MONK: I am dead! Right, Witch, get him.

MR. HILLS: Don't touch me. I don't believe in black magic.

WITCH: What about Bournville Selection?

MONK: Ah, but that's any joke!

WITCH: Don't blame me. Blame the Scriptwriter.

MR. HILLS: I'm not going through all that again. (Turns and tries to leave)

MONK: Stop him!

(Witch flings down her hand, dropping tiny bangers which explode on impact and leave Mr. Hills vertically and very stiff)

WITCH: It’s human starch. He won’t be able to move until I say the magic words "Eee by ecky thump"

(On that they pick up Mr. Hill and exit carrying him off.)

END OF SCENE 1

SCENE 2: THE CASTLE DUNGEON.

Dracula sits in his big chair. Enter Lurch.

DRACULA: Ah, Lurch. Is there any news?

FRANKENSTEIN: Yes, Master. Frankenstein and the Werewolf have returned with the girl.

DRACULA: Excellent. Bring them here. Can you stick this notice on the door?

(Gives him a big notice saying "Blood donors welcome" Exit Lurch.)

(Enter Frankenstein, Werewolf, and Alison, who is gagged)

DRACULA: Welcome, Little One. (Pause)

FRANKENSTEIN: We had to gag her because her screaming is enough to wake the dead

DRACULA: You're all right now, little One. If I take that nasty gag off, do you promise you won' t scream?

(Daughter nods) Promise? (She nods again, Dracula takes off the gag)

ALISON: Aagghh' Help' (Screams)

DRACULA: Quickly, re-gag her. (Pause) I think I’ll have to operate on her to stop her screaming.

WEREWOLF: Operate?

DRACULA: Yes. Lurch, bring me my tools and a white sheet. Tie the girl to the table.

WEREWOLF: What about anaesthetic?

DRACULA: Lurch, bring me a glass of vodka.

(Lurch exits briefly and enters with a glass of "vodka" which Dracula drinks. Dracula is about to saw the girl when he looks up at the audience)

DRACULA: Can you stand the sight of blood? (Waits for a reply) Well, in case you can't…..

DRACULA: Frankenstein, Werewolf, come here.

(Frankenstein and the werewolf hold the sheet so that the audience can't see. The lights are dimmed and then blacked out completely. A spotlight shines behind the screen and the silhouettes of Dracula and Alison can be seen. The girl screams. Dracula can be heard asking for tools such as a saw and via the silhouette and sound effects the audience led to believe he is sawing Alison open. A string of sausages and other objects are removed, the audience just seeing the silhouettes. All the time Alison is screaming. The lights suddenly come back on and the spotlight behind sheet turned off.)

LURCH: Mind that artery

DRACULA: Which artery?

LURCH: The one you’ve just cut.

(Red ink/paint/fake blood thrown over sheet from back. Alison suddenly stops screaming. The sheet is removed to show her corpse on the table.)

DRACULA: (To audience) Well folks, I’m sorry about that. It seems we have had a slight accident, but I can assure you it wasn’t my fault.

FRANKENSTIEN: Oh yes it was

DRACULA: Oh no it wasn’t

FRANKENSTEIN: (Trying to get audience joining in) Oh yes it was!

DRACULA: Oh no it wasn’t.

FRANKENSTEIN: (With other monsters joining in) OH YES IT WAS!

(Lurch and the werewolf take Alison off the table and lay her on the floor)

DRACULA: Oh well, I suppose I could chop her up and send her to the school for the school dinners.

LURCH: Master, the Executioner and the Headless Man have just arrived with Mrs. Hills.

DRACULA: Superb! Bring them in.

(Enter Executioner, Headless Man and Mrs Hills)

DRACULA: Well Mrs Hills, I’ve got you at last. Captured by me, the famous Count Dracula. What do you have to say for yourself now!

MRS. HILLS: I think you’re great! Can I have your autograph? I’ve seen all your films. Can I touch you?

DRACULA: (Bemused) Of course… go right ahead.

(Mrs. Hills comes forward and touches him, screams with delight then faints, Frankenstein catching her.)

DRACULA: Now let me suck her blood.

(Dracula moves over and sticks his fangs into the back of her neck.) Ah, lovely! (Mrs. Hills slumps to floor dead)

LURCH: Master, the Mad Professor and the Mummy have arrived with the boy Richard

(Enter Mad Professor, Mummy & Richard)

DRACULA: (To Richard) Do you like spearmint?

RICHARD: Yep.

DRACULA: Well, here's a mint. (Offers him a Polo) and here's a spear. (Grabs a spear from behind him and stabs him)

DRACULA: There you are, Richard the boy with a hole and in mint condition.

LURCH: Master, the Witch and the Monk are here with Mr. Hills.

(Enter Witch, Monk and Mr. Hills)

MR. HILLS: Get off me, you twelfth-century monk.

DRACULA: Silence! (Pause) Witch, can you help me?

WITCH: Certainly, Dracula.

DRACULA: It’s just that I’ve got a spell in my finger.

WITCH: Is that meant to be a joke?

DRACULA: (Addressing Mr. Hills) Right! For you it shall be torture. The Iron Maiden.

MR. HILLS: What? Margret Thatcher? That loud heavy metal band?

DRACULA: Neither. (Pulls out a very big cat-o-nine tails) The whip!

MR. HILLS: No! Not the whip.

DRACULA: The whip!

MR. HILLS No! Not the whip.

DRACULA: The whip!

MR. HILLS No! Not the whip. Anything but the whip.

DRACULA: (Slowly and with menace) ANYTHING?

MR. HILLS: (Pause) The whip!

DRACULA: No. I take pity on you. Lurch, get the... (Whispers but Mr. Hills hears)

MR. HILLS: No! Not that. Have mercy. Please! Help!

DRACULA: Bring it here. (Lurch brings a plate covered with a cloth)

MR> HILLS: No! Please don't. I can't stand it. Help!

DRACULA: . Sorry, my good friend Mr. Hills. Only the worst torture for you.

MR. HILLS: (Shouting) NO!

DRACULA: YES! (Takes off cover, revealing a sandwich)

DRACULA: The worst torture of all. The British Rail sandwich. Eat it. (Mr. Hills struggles but finally eats)

FRANKENSTEIN: Just listen to his stomach. (Boiling oil sound effect) (Mr. Hill collapses)

DRACULA: Thank you, monsters, for all your help.

MAD PROFF: It has been a most wonderful experience.

DRACULA: You may all leave now. (Exit all monsters except Lurch.)

DRACULA: At last! The Hills family is finally in my hands. I’ll now bring them back to life by my mysterious music to become my own bloodless servants.

(Dracula goes over to his piano/organ and begins to play, and as he does the Hills corpses begin to slowly rise. As they do so Dracula bursts into song "The Hills Are Alive, With The Sound Of Music" (From the musical "The Sound of Music")

(Enter Vicar and the Maid)

MAID: Look Vicar. Dracula is turning them into his bloodless servants. Quickly, there must be something you can do to save them.

VICAR: There is Emma. Quick, don’t let Lurch escape.

(She jumps on Lurch and forces him down onto the floor.)

LURCH: Master, save me!

DRACULA: Don’t worry Lurch. They are now powerless to do anything. I now have the Hills family as my bloodless servants to protect us. (Faces the risen Hills) Destroy them immediately (Pointing at Maid and Vicar.)

VICAR: Too late I’m afraid, this is the end for you Count Dracula.

DRACULA: What do you mean "Count Dracula"? There’s only one of me.

VICAR: Your last crack Dracula. (Holds a stake he had concealed under his cloak) How do you like you stake?

DRACULA: (Not noticing) Medium-rare usually but I’m not particularly fussy.

(Vicar thrusts the stake towards Dracula and pierces him. He dies very dramatically and as he does so the Hills all collapse back into corpses.)

MAID: (To Vicar) At last! We’ve got Hallswell Castle all to ourselves! Dracula saved us the job of disposing of the Hills family!

VICAR: (Giving Maid a hug) Well that’s the end of that then. Once again the old saying comes true; "Hallswell that end wells." Goodnight!

THE END

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