God showed me my wall, I am not sure when I started to bulid this wall, I guess what I realised that i could shut people out, although I was not aware of this reason at that time. It was just a way to protect me from the outside world, from being hurt and from other people being exposed to the real me. I continued to build my wall, unaware of the fact that I was not only protecting myself from the world, but I was also abandoning the world, isolating myself from the world, and what other people had to offer me, and what I had to offer other people. I was sick of being hurt, betrayed and defeated in life, so I continued to put up my wall. My wall was only short at first, people kept coming into my 'world', the world that I created to protect me. I was frightened of my flaws and weaknesess, scared that they may creap over the top and be exposed to everyone. Thats why I worked frantically to build my wall higher. Although I didn't cousciously know my wall existed, it was very real. Behind it I felt safe, secure and somewhat happy. I admired my wall, I treasured many of the rocks that made up my wall. I polished them and often sat... and reflected on each of them. I would sit and peek through the holes of my wall. I watched as people walked by... they talked.... they laughed.... But I am overlooked..... I feel alone. I sat back.... I looked up..... I realised HOW tall my wall is. I look back through the cracks, at the people on the other side. Perhaps a glance, a simple glance followed by an act of kindness, of love. Perhaps thats the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built person, from the barries, my wall, that I have painstakenly built around me. Perhaps its the only thing that can assure me of the one thing I can not assure myself... That I am someone and something. Then God counsiously made me aware of my wall. How stupid of me! I feel to my knees in tears. Little did I know that what I had bult around me was stopping me from recieving exactly what I longed for. I began to see the flaws and imperfections of my wall. How truly ugly is looked. It was distorted, it represented hostility, mistrust, hurt, defeat, insecurity and resentment. All lies, but very much alive and growing out of control. I sobbed. "God, I am so stupid! I feel so alone and helpless. I wasted too much time building this ugly wall. Shutting people out of my life, people that I have got angry at for what I believed were not there for me. Its my fault God. I have shut them out and abandoned them. God help me!" I was overwhelmed with anger, my eyes continued to flood with tears as I continued to reflect on the mess I had gotten my life into. The the anger somewhat subsided and something deep inside me stirred memories of peaceful times. In the mist of my broken world, God was there. That in the darkness He came and penetrated it with His blessing light. I felt comforted and loved, that I had a wonderful God that for many years, He just watched as I built my wall, patiently waiting for me to see that it was all in vain. God started to roll off the names of the rocks that made up my wall. "Anger, shame, guilt, hurt, unlovable, resentment, betrayed, defeat, destroyed, rejection, worthless, pride and self-pity". Some of those rocks were hard to confess and acknowledge. But with Gods help, I can take them down and tear down my wall, and recieve what I have been longing for for so long. |
| MY WALL |
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