Subject: New and old software reviews!

For him:

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having
some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my
primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always
conflicted with it.  I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend
is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed
to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them
separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program,
often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see
better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.  After months of conflicts and other
problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and
eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.  He was right.
As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.  All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for awhile.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.  This time I used a SCSI probe
first and also installed a virus protection program.  It worked okay for a
while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.  I
tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but
GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses
the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in
some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.  The
version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I
can't understand, much less
reprogram.

Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked
how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend.  He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if
you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.  So he did, but soon after that, he had to
upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.  It has
taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it
came bundled with FreeSexPlus.  Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly
the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running
on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw module which
has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try
installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without
first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing
the uninstall itself.  Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of
insufficient resources.

* * * * * * * *

For her:

User Tips for HUSBAND 1.0

            HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from
Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you
understand the implications of this change...

       For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be
compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage
disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system
administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and
demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of
interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes
without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0
often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be
running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do
not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit
demand for extra bytes.

       Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and
if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on
occasion to damage hardware.

       Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but
unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be
almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of
the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be
there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely.
Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded
that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have
to be tolerated.

       Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may
not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic
functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode
will produce a good response.

        After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than
originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down
correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk
of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to

       Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you
have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes
scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often
lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and
be found lower down the stack.

       Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn
unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge
demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of
1.nightstand.
than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time
to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes
to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals
for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

       On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently
apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is
nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

       Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more
difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends
up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often
than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1.

       Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy
1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy
1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your
ports.