rec.humor.funny (moderated) #5209
From: DickJimmy@mail.utexas.edu (R. J. Woodward)
Subject: Not so useful, but often used Assembly Code
Date: Wed Nov 05 17:30:26 MST 1997

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called
MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer
writes JMP or even BRA (branch).  These instructions are frequently
abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary.  Anyone
who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all
computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of
instructions.  Frequently when an error is made writing a program in
assembler a user can actually see the program executing the
undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers
have a certain set of them in common.  As a service to humanity,
I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG     : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM     : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN     : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS     : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR     : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO     : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE     : Fake Serious Error
GSI     : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS     : Go Quarter Speed
HEM     : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD     : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI     : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU     : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF     : Jam Paper Feed
JUM     : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP     : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM     : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW     : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI     : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU     : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG     : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF     : Quit Working Forever
QVC     : Question Valid Command
RWD     : Read Wrong Device
SCE     : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ     : Send Data to Japan
TTC     : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC     : Use Bad Chip
VDP     : Violate Design Parameters
VMB     : Verify and Make Bad
WAF     : Warn After Fact
XID     : eXchange Instruction with Data
YII     : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM     : Zero All Memory
PI      : Punch Invalid
POPI    : Punch Operator Immediately
RASC    : Read And Shred Card
RPM     : Read Programmers Mind
RSSC    : Reduce Speed, Step Carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB    : Rewind Tape and Break
RWDSK   : ReWind DiSK
SPSW    : Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD    : Seek Record and Scar Disk
WBT     : Water Binary Tree

[My assembly professor gave this to us yesterday in her "Intro to Assembly"
lecture]


   Undocumented Assembler Commands:

          AII        Scatter Deck
          BAH        Branch And Hang
          BBBF       Branch on Bit Bucket Full
          BCF        Branch on Chip box Full
          BOHP       Bribe Operator for Higher Priority
          BSST       BackSpace and Stretch Tape
          CUN        Cancel all User Numbers
          EMW        Emulate Maytag Washer
          ERD        Eject Removable Disk
          EXOI       EXecute Operator Immediately
          HCF        Halt and Catch Fire
          IA         Illogical And
          JDO        Jump and Destroy Operator
          KCE        Kill Consultant on Error
          MST        Mount Scotch Tape
          MVLR       MoVe and Lose Record
          OHS        Order Ham Sandwich
          PDM        Play Drum Memory (dated, wot?)
          PLSC       Perform Light Show on Console
          PS         Print and Smear
          RBT	     Rewind and Break Tape.
          RPB        Read Print and Blush
          RCSD       Read Card and Scramble Deck
          RFSC       Read Feed and Shred Card
          RIG        Read Inter-record Gap
          RSD        Read and Shuffle Deck
          RWRT       Read While Ripping Tape
          SD         Scatter Deck
          SPD        SPin dry Disk
          SSD        Seek and Scar Disk
          UER        Update and Erase Record