EXCERPT FROM THE "OFFICIAL GREEK HANDBOOK"

CHAPTER 1: HOW TO BE A COOL GREEK  (oh panayia mou !!)

 1. Wear clothes of two colors: black or white.

 2. Own a cell phone and use it at inappropriate times- in church, restaurant,
    funeral, wedding, date.

 3. Refer to anyone who's not Greek disparagingly as "xeni" and pity them for
    not being as cultured and sophisticated as the Greeks.

 4. Have predominantly Greek friends, with a few token "xeni" thrown in for
    diversity.  Talk Greek when the "xeni" are around.

 5. Dress as though you are headed for a club when you're actually going to
    work or to class.

 6. If you are a Greek woman, stare menacingly at other women around you,
    especially if they're richer or more attractive than you.

 7. If you are a Greek guy, be sure not to bathe to achieve an "earthy" scent,
    then try to mask it with a lot of cologne; the combination drives the
    babes wild.

 8. Smoke as if it were your last day on earth...and smoke only Marlboros.

 9. Travel only in droves of 10 or more & be as loud as possible  at all times.

10. If you're single, go to all Greek intercollegiate parties and all GOYA
    conferences, even if you're 45 years old.

11. If you're a single Greek over 30, tell everyone you're in your 20s even if
    you're pushing 50.

12. If you're a single Greek guy, tell women you're a "successful businessman"
    or that you "own a successful business back in Greece" even if you're an
    unemployed goat farmer.

13. Dirty dance to Greek folk music.

14. Wear only "designer" labels-even if you buy them off a cart on a sidewalk
    in Manhattan.

15. Make sure "designer" labels are extremely visible, preferably embroided
     on the front of the apparel.

16. If you are a Greek guy, walk 10 feet in front of your woman and call her
    only when you want sex. Then go into a deep depression and lament the
    "theft" of your woman when she dumps you for another guy.

17. If you're a Greek guy, be indifferent and rude to any woman you're
    interested in dating, especially if she's Greek.

18. If you're a Greek guy, date "xenes" that treat you badly but
    marry a Greek woman you can treat badly.

19. If you're a Greek woman, date "xeni" you can treat badly but marry
    a Greek guy that treats you badly.

20. Wear a leather jacket at ALL times...even in the summer.

21. Tell American aquaintances that money is never an object, even if you
    only have ten bucks to your name.

22. Guys: if you have hair, get it cut every week and use at least 3
    different styling products; if you're bald, develop a big  ego to mask
    your insecurity.  (Applicable to short men also.)

23. Make sure you install every possible option in your car, even if your car
    is a Yugo.

24. Own a sports car, even if its juke.

25. Claim to be a devout Orthodox Christian but know nothing about the
    religion other than the date of your nameday.

26. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.

27. If you are a Greek woman, dye your hair an obviously fake shade of blonde
    that is nonexistent in nature and swear that it's natural.

28. If you are a Greek-American, act like your father was royalty back
    in Greece but fell into hard times after the 1973 coup.

29. Pump Greek music in the 'hood'