(The Grandfather hands the Son a wrapped gift, which the Son eagerly tears the wrapping off of. It is a book, but in his haste he has torn the cover off as well.)
Son: A... torn book?
Grandfather: My father used to read it to me and I used to read it to--
(He makes an elaborate gesture and whaps the Son on the head.)
Grandfather: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Buttercup: Farm boy?
(Westley looks up.)
Buttercup: Er... do something for me.
Westley: (with a smile) As you wish.
(She flounces away.)
(Westley is busily chopping wood. Buttercup approaches.)
Buttercup: Farm boy?
(Westley looks at her, but chops another piece of wood, which flies up and hits her in the face.)
Buttercup: Oh!
Westley: I am SO sorry!!
Buttercup: Farm boy... fetch me that pitcher.
(Westley comes forward and looks up at the pitcher, which is hung from the ceiling. Frowning, he stands on his toes a few times, trying to reach it, then jumps, but can only just touch it.)
Westley: I'm sorry, I can't.
Buttercup: Farm boy... fetch me that pitcher.
(Westley "fetches it," and then proceeds to drop it at her feet.)
Westley: I- I'm sorry!
Buttercup: Farm boy... fetch me that pitcher.
(Westley "fetches it," and then examines it.)
Westley: I like this. Mind if I keep it? No? Good.
(He exits with it, Buttercup staring in a rather befuddled fashion.)
Humperdinck: I shall marry a lady...
Subject: WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO!
Humperdinck: Guards? Arrest that man!
Humperdinck: The Princess... Buttercup!
(The trumpets sound, and out steps... Fezzik.)
Humperdinck: It's my giant! What are you doing here?
Fezzik: She ran away, I'm sorry, I couldn't stop her.
Vizzini: So, the plan is, I speak to the Princess, then you, Fezzik, step up and choke her--
(Buttercup gallops by on a horse.)
Inigo: Wasn't that the Princess?
Vizzini: Oh my gosh, it is -- hey, ma'am! Ma'am!
(He runs frantically after the horse.)
Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream.
(Fezzik steps up and attempts to choke Buttercup, but...)
Buttercup: Hiiiii-YA!
(She does some awesome martial arts magic on him, causing him to drop dead. With a smug look, she rides on.)
Vizzini: The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin!
(He finishes attaching the patch to the horse, and gives it a slap on the rump. The horse, infuriated, kicks Vizzini in the head.)
Vizzini: Owww...
Inigo: I agree with Fezzik.
(He tries to leap into the boat, but can't quite manage to jump high enough.)
Inigo: I think I need to work some more on this.
Inigo: I agree with Fezzik.
(He tries again to jump in, and this time he not only jumps over the side, he sails over the other side, too, and lands in the water.)
Vizzini: Wha- wha- how'd you do that?
Inigo: (sputtering) I wish I knew!
Inigo: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzik: If the other is amputated he will only have one arm.
Inigo: (blowing up) What kind of stupid rhyme is that?
Fezzik: Well, it was the first one I thought of.
Vizzini: Stop that rhyming, now, I mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: Sure! Where are they?
Inigo: Um...
(Inigo sits by the rudder, gently steering it. Suddenly, in a clumsy moment, he falls over, and the rudder is pushed violently to the side, and Inigo's fallen body keeps it there. The boat begins spinning in circles, slowly at first, then faster and faster.)
Vizzini: Hurry and get up, you idiot! I'm getting sick!
Inigo: I just happen to look back and something is there.
Vizzini: What?
(He gets up and runs to the side of the boat. There is nothing on the water.)
Vizzini: There's nothing there.
Inigo: I know. That's why I'm saying I need some rest. I'm starting to hallucinate.
Vizzini: You hear that noise, Your Highness?
(Buttercup looks confused. There is no noise.)
Vizzini: Those are the... silent eels.
Vizzini: I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.
(Buttercup sees an enormous wave come nearer. She is frightened, but then notices something... the dangerous shrieking eel is a goldfish.)
Buttercup: Oy! Is our budget really that low?
(Fezzik grabs Buttercup out of the water.)
Vizzini: Put her down! Just put her down!
Fezzik: (looking puzzled) Okay.
(He drops Buttercup back in the water.)
Vizzini: That's not what I meant, you moron!
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's too late -- see!
Inigo: But I promise I will not kill you-
Man in Black: Throw me the rope.
Inigo: Wait until you're ready.
(Inigo shows Man in Black his sword. Man in Black picks it up and looks at it.)
Inigo: The six-fingered man spared my life, but he gave me this.
Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa.
Man in Black: There's something I ought to tell you...
Man in Black: But since I can't have you following me either...
Fezzik: I could kill you now!
(Man in Black jumps on top of Fezzik, trying to overcome him.)
(We see a pair of boots stepping in the footprints in the sand. They move forward, then backward again, tracing the prints. After a moment, they stop following the prints and maneuver on their own. They perform an intricate tap dance, then we zoom out to see Humperdinck performing a tap dance.)
(We see a pair of boots stepping in the footprints in the sand. They move forward, then backward again, tracing the prints. After a moment, we zoom out, revealing that... they are only boots. Nobody is wearing them.)
Vizzini: If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
Vizzini: To the death?
Man in Black: Pour the wine.
Vizzini: And I choose -- what in the world can that be?
(Man in Black is untying Buttercup.)
Man in Black: (laughing) And what is that, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness.
Buttercup: You can die too, for all I care!
Buttercup: Move? You're alive! If you want, I can fly.
(As they run toward the Fire Swamp.)
(They walk into the swamp. Christmas trees are everywhere, brightly decorated.)
(There is a popping sound and Westley picks up Buttercup and moves her, but misjudges and moves her directly into the path of the fire.)
(Buttercup walks forward and sinks down into the lightning sand, but, thinking quickly, puts her arms straight out. She can't fit through the hole, and is stuck, just her arms and above sticking out.)
(Westley wrestles with the R.O.U.S. for a few moments, but then rolls him over onto the fire.)
Buttercup: I could not bear it if you died again.
Westley: (to Count Rugen) Someone was looking for you. Specifically, your mom. She wants to know your new address.
Humperdinck: My father's final words were, "Love her as I loved her, and there will be joy."
Count Rugen: Where is that secret knot?
(Humperdinck sits at his desk with a small knife in his hand. He is busily peeling a carrot. The gatekeeper comes in, and looks at him for a moment, confused.)
Gatekeeper: The gate has only one key... and I carry that.
Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you.
Inigo: Fezzik?
(Inigo, his eyes closed, wanders around with his sword. After a moment, he scratches Fezzik on the arm.)
(Inigo sees that he has been led to a tree. Discouraged, he leans against the tree. It falls over in a heap.)
Son: Who gets Humperdinck?
Miracle Max: Open his mouth.
Miracle Max: What's out there that's worth living for?
Inigo: All we have to do is get in and get out.
Westley: What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Inigo: Now?
Old Man: Have you the wing?
Humperdinck: Buttercup! Say Buttercup!
(Fezzik comes back from helping Inigo break open the door, and Westley is nowhere to be found.)
Westley: Drop your sword.
Fezzik: Look what I found!
(Buttercup jumps out the window, but misjudges and falls in the middle of a lake.)
Grandfather: That's kissing, you don't want to hear it.
If you have any ideas for any more, please submit them!
(He points dramatically toward the boat that is following them. Fezzik and Inigo look, baffled, at Vizzini.)
Vizzini: I mean...
(He turns and points toward the cliffs.)
Vizzini: The Cliffs of Insanity!
Inigo: (to Fezzik) That explains it all.
(Man in Black ZOOMS up into the sky, past them.)
Inigo: And he's gaining on us.
(He leans over too far and falls off the cliff.)
Inigo: -until you reach the tooooooooppp....
(Inigo disappears from sight, then returns carrying... a spool of thread. He throws one end of the thread down to the Man in Black.)
Man in Black: I'm afraid this won't do.
Man in Black: Again, thank you.
(He sits down and takes off his boot, shaking it upside down. Small rocks tumble out at first, then larger ones, then finally boulders, a kitten, and a torrent of water.)
Inigo: That's quite impressive.
Man in Black: Thank you.
Man in Black: I've never seen its equal.
(With a sudden thrust, he stabs Inigo through the heart and runs off, laughing.)
(He turns his cheek to reveal a lipstick mark. The other cheek has the same mark.)
Man in Black: Oh my.
(He does a flip, jumps off a small ledge, and into the ground... about three feet into the ground.)
Inigo: Quicksand! No!
Man in Black: Need some help?
Inigo: What is that?
Man in Black: I'm not lefthanded either.
(He switches sword hands and begins to duel some more with Inigo.)
Inigo: There's something else I should tell you...
Man in Black: And that is?
Inigo: These are not my real hands!
(Amazingly, his hands retract and a new pair come out of his body. He fights even better now.)
Man in Black: I have to say... these are not mine either!
(Similar thing happens to Man in Black.)
Inigo: Okay... were we seperated at birth or what?
(He deftly whacks off all Inigo's hair with his sword, then calmly proceeds on his way.)
Inigo: What -- what merit was there in that?
(He raises up a rock as if he is going to throw it at Man in Black, but it is too heavy and he merely falls over backwards.)
Fezzik: Oh, I LOVE giving piggy-back rides!
(Cheerfully gallops around.)
Fezzik: You want me to go faster?
Man in Black: Look... how about we join forces and stop trying to kill each other, and you can give me piggy-back rides later?
Fezzik: Okay. Sounds good to me.
Humperdinck: See? I told you those dance lessons would pay off! That'll wow any lady!
Inigo: (who is sitting next to them) These things are amazing. I could watch them all day.
(Man in Black considers this for a moment, then...)
Man in Black: That's okay.
(And he moves forward.)
(Man in Black nods.)
Vizzini: I accept.
(He lays down his knife, and Buttercup immediately gets up and runs away.)
Man in Black: Wait!
Vizzini: Wait!
(They both run after her.)
(Vizzini picks up the wine bottle and attempts to pour it, but there's nothing in it.)
Vizzini: I'm sorry, we seem to be out. I'll be right back -- there's a liquor store across the way.
(He leaves, and Man in Black unties Buttercup.)
Man in Black: Well, that was a nice shortcut.
Man in Black: What? Where?
(He turns around to see E.T. walking toward them.)
Man in Black: It seems to be an alien lifeform.
Buttercup: And all the time it was your cup that was poisoned.
(Vizzini gets up and walks away.)
Buttercup: Although not poisoned very much, obviously.
Vizzini: You could see that?
(Buttercup begins to cry.)
Man in Black: I-I'm sorry!
(She pushes Man in Black, but he angrily turns around and pushes her back.)
Buttercup: You're supposed to fall down the hill!
Man in Black: Oh, I'm sorry.
(He throws himself down the hill.)
Westley: All right. I want you to.
Buttercup: It's just an expression.
Westley: Oh.
Buttercup: We'll never survive!
Westley: I know.
Westley: The trees are actually quite lovely.
Buttercup: You know you're right?
Westley: Oh! I'm sorry!
(He quickly puts out the fire.)
Buttercup: You're no help.
Buttercup: Westley, pull me out, please.
R.O.U.S.: Oooh! Warm!
Westley: It's indestructible!
(Humperdinck rides by and picks up Westley, throwing him on his horse. He stops.)
Humperdinck: I'm sorry, wrong person.
(He rides back, deposits Westley back on the ground, and hoists Buttercup onto the horse.)
Count Rugen: Oh dear. I've changed it twice and still she keeps coming after me.
King's Voice: LIAR!
(He presses it and the door swings outward, knocking him over.)
Humperdinck: It took me a while to get used to that, too.
Humperdinck: (explaining) Well, I was going to sharpen my knife, but I couldn't find the stone, so I decided I might as well do something useful.
(He pulls out an enormous key from his pocket, nearly as big as himself.)
Humperdinck: And it should be difficult to steal that.
Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. I know judo.
(She does the same awesome martial arts magic on Humperdinck that she did on Fezzik, and then happily walks out of the room.)
Fezzik: Everybody MOVE!
(Everyone moves, but positions themselves directly in front of Fezzik and Inigo.)
Fezzik: Move the OTHER WAY!
Fezzik: Ow!
Inigo: (opening his eyes) Oh, I'm sorry... Let me try that again.
Fezzik: Look, Inigo! There's a tunnel under the tree!
Inigo: Why, so there is.
Grandfather: I don't understand.
Son: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end! Someone's gotta do it.
Grandfather: To tell you the truth, I don't know. I never got past the third chapter. This is all new to me too.
(Fezzik opens Westley's mouth, and Miracle Max JAMS the bellows into it.)
Westley: OW! (He opens his eyes.) That HURT!
Miracle Max: My fee, please?
(He gently presses on Westley's chest, and out comes a horrendous burp.)
Miracle Max: Phew! That's not what I expected, but it'll go.
Westley: That's all we have to do? That's our mission? Get in and get out?
Inigo: Wait. No. There's more to it than that.
Fezzik: (pulling a huge black cloak out of his shirt) Will this work?
Inigo: Where'd you get that?
Fezzik: I have no idea.
Westley: Now.
(Inigo sets Fezzik's cloak on fire.)
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors -- OW! Inigo, I'm burning up! This hurts! Water! Water!
(Humperdinck pulls out a small pair of angel wings.)
Old Man: How dawe you make fun of me wike that?
Old Man: (puzzled) Buttewcwup.
Buttercup: Yes?
Humperdinck: (realizing his mistake) Man and wife! Say man and wife!
Fezzik: Westley?
Suit of Armor: Yes?
(Fezzik jumps, but then notices Westley is hiding in the suit of armor.)
Westley: I'll just stay in here if that's all right with you.
(Humperdinck does so.)
Westley: Have a seat.
(Humperdinck sits down on the floor.)
Westley: In a chair.
(Sullenly, Humperdinck moves to a chair.)
(He stands in the courtyard with four pigs.)
Fezzik: Four white pigs -- and I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady.
Westley: But Fezzik, what will we do with four pigs?
Fezzik: (thinking) I don't know. You're right. They're pretty useless. I'll go take them back.
Buttercup: This dress is too heavy! I'll sink!
Son: I don't mind it so much.
Grandfather: Oh, okay.
(Grandfather opens up book to the middle.)
Grandfather: "'Do you hear that, Your Highness? Those are the shrieking eels.'"
Son: We passed that, Grandpa. You read that already. Twice.
Grandfather: Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.