Bilbo: (angrily) You want it for yourself!
Gandalf: (bellowing) BILBO BAGGINS!
(The lights begin to grow dark, and Bilbo presses himself against the wall. There is a low rumbling.)
Gandalf: I- I- I'm mad!!
(Bilbo begins to chuckle.)
Bilbo: You need to learn to adlib, my friend.
Elrond: The ring must be destroyed.
(There is a pause, then Gimli jumps up.)
Gimli: What are we waiting for?
(He walks forward to the table where the ring is, then gives it a mighty whack with his club. The ring is cleft in two. He stares at it in dumb surprise.)
Elrond: Well done, Gimli. Now we can all go home.
(Scattered laughter.)
Gandalf: (reading from the ancient book) "They are coming."
(Pippin notices the skeleton next to him. He touches the arrow in its side, and nothing happens. He gives it a gentle shove backwards, and still nothing happens. Finally, he punches it soundly into the well. Merry begins to laugh.)
Merry: Having some trouble, Pip?
Gandalf: (reading from the ancient book) "They are coming."
(Pippin notices the skeleton next to him. He touches the arrow in its side, and this time the head of the skeleton falls off, as planned. Next, the skeleton itself begins sliding into the well. The chains follow, one of them wrapped around Pippin's foot. He falls and is dragged toward the well, where he braces one foot against it.)
Pippin: Can I get some help over here?
(Gimli and Aragorn laugh and come over to untangle the chain.)
Pippin: (standing up) Thanks ... that skeleton is heavier than it looks!
Saruman: You did not think that the halflings could contend with the will of Sauron?
Gandalf: Frodo!
(He walks toward a door. Saruman glances in that direction, then stands up and waves his staff. The door remains open.)
Saruman: I hate when this happens.
(He stands up, runs to the door, and closes it before Gandalf gets there. Unperturbed, Gandalf heads off toward another door. The magic fails to work on this one, also, so Saruman has to run and close it by hand yet again. The other two doors are closed in a similar manner. Finally, Saruman returns to his chair, and sits there, hyperventilating.)
Saruman: There is ... no escape ... Okay, can we get that magic fixed?
(Boromir gazes in awe at the shards of the sword on the table. He picks the main piece up, and runs it along his finger.)
Boromir: Still-
(He looks carefully. The sword has not cut his finger. He runs his finger along it again.)
Boromir: Still-
(No, it hasn't cut his finger yet. He takes his finger and places it directly atop the point.)
Boromir: Is it-?
(No. He takes the sword and rams it into his finger many times, trying desperately to cut it.)
Boromir: I'm - sure - it's - still - sharp -
(He looks up and sees Aragorn watching him, an amused smile on his face. They both start laughing.)
Gimli: And they call it a mine! A MINE!
(Boromir glances around.)
Boromir: This is no tomb. It's a mine.
(Pause.)
Gimli: That's just what I said.
(Another pause, while Boromir realizes what he's said.)
Boromir: (laughing) Or, well, now that I look at it, I see it's really more of a tomb...
Sam: (offering Frodo some food) We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: (frantically, running toward them) Put it out, you fools! Put it out!
(He stamps on the fire, while the hobbits protest. After a moment it becomes apparent that that fire is out, but Frodo's foot is now on fire.)
Frodo: (still frantically stamping, now trying to douse the flame on his foot) Aaaah! Put it out! Put it out!
(Sam helpfully grabs a bucket of water and pours it on Frodo's foot.)
Frodo: Aaaaah! Thanks, Sam.
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things.
(She begins to pour water from the pitcher into the mirror.)
Galadriel: Things that were-
(She raises the pitcher so it is pouring from a greater height.)
Galadriel: Things that are-
(Several drops of water splash onto her.)
Galadriel: Aaaah! I'm getting wet! It's ruining my hair!
Director: Cut!
Galadriel (angrily): This is the twelfth take! How can we rig this stupid pitcher so that it doesn't soak me every single time? I refuse to work under these conditions!
(Frodo leans forward to look into the mirror. For a moment, he sees nothing, then the image of the Shire appears. He looks closely, and then notices the image of a large tree, coming closer and closer- He jumps back just in time as the oak tree crashes onto the mirror.)
Galadriel: (screaming) That could have killed me! Will that idiot Saruman watch just WHERE he tears down trees? Aaagh!
(Bilbo grabs his walking staff and walks out his door, and Gandalf follows.)
Bilbo: I've thought of an ending for my book. "And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days."
Gandalf: As I'm sure you will, my friend.
Bilbo: Good-bye, Gandalf.
(Bilbo starts off down the path, cheerfully. Gandalf turns to go back inside, then suddenly gasps and yells at Bilbo.)
Gandalf: BILBO! The ring is still in your pocket!
(Close-up on Bilbo with an evil grin. He knows.)
Frodo: I will take it! I will take it!
(Gandalf turns around. It gets very quiet.)
Frodo: I will take the ring to Mordor.
(There is a pause. Then Legolas bursts out laughing.)
Legolas: A halfling?
Aragorn: (laughing as well) A hobbit?
Gimli: Who'd rather stay at home and smoke his pipe than anything?
Gandalf: (sensible tone) Of course you're not taking the ring to Mordor, Frodo. Will you stay out of this and let us settle it?
Thanks, Sarah!
(Gandalf grabs the envelope with the ring in it and tosses it into the fire.)
Frodo: What are you doing?
(Gandalf holds out a hand, gesturing for Frodo to wait. After a moment, he prods around in the fire with the tongs, but the ring is completely melted.)
Gandalf: (with a satisfied nod) Well, that settles that. Good day, Frodo.
(He leaves. Frodo has a completely befuddled look on his face.)
Thanks, Sarah!
Frodo: What's the Elvish word for "friend"?
Gandalf: Mellon.
(The doors slowly creak open, and standing there in the opening are - Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock!)
Sam: What the-?
Kirk: Spock! I thought you said there was no life on this planet!
Thanks, Sarah!
Arwen: It is mine to give. Like my heart.
(Aragorn and Arwen give each other a loving look, and then begin to kiss. After a moment, Aragorn takes her in his arms, but she was obviously unprepared for this and instead falls off the bridge.)
Aragorn: Arwen! That's a nice way to respond to my loving gesture!
Arwen: (sputtering) You didn't tell me you were going to try to hold me!
Thanks, Sarah!
(Gandalf, satisfied that the Balrog is gone, turns back to return to his friends. All of a sudden, the Balrog's whip comes back up, and grabs... Frodo's foot.)
Frodo: (as he goes sliding past his friend) Gandalf!
(Gandalf clutches for Frodo, but it is too late. He has gone over. Or nearly so. He is at the very edge of the cliff. Sam tries to run toward him, but Aragorn stops him.)
Sam: FROOODOOOO!
Frodo: Fly, you fools!
(He drops.)
Sam: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(As Sam is carried off...)
Legolas: (whispering to Gimli) He'll be back in the next movie.
Thanks, Sarah!
Elrond: Bring forth the ring.
(Frodo stands up and walks toward the middle of the council. He reaches into his pocket to pull out the ring... but then stops dead. He reaches deeper, and a panicked look comes over his face. He starts turning his pockets inside out, and then looks up at Elrond.)
Frodo: I - seem to have lost it.
Elrond: All right! New idea! Before we can do the whole Mount Doom thing, we have to find the ring. When was the last time you saw the ring, Frodo?
Frodo: Bilbo tried to steal it from me...
Elrond: Go and search Bilbo's quarters!
(Elf guards go out hunting.)
Gandalf: I hate unexpected plot changes.
Thanks, Taleia!
Arwen: I choose a mortal life.
(Aragorn looks at her for a few moments, then she looks down. As she does so, her elf ears fall off.)
Arwen: (trying to stick them back on) Crud!
Aragorn: That mortal life came awfully quickly...
Thanks, Manda!
Gandalf: Let the ringbearer decide.
(all eyes turn to Frodo)
Frodo: (closes his eyes and slowly reaches into his pocket) I choose... (quickly pulls out a trading card) I choose YOU, Pikachu!
Thanks, Gina!
Gandalf: Tell me, "friend", when did Saruman the White abandon reason for madness?
(Saruman glares and lunges at Gandalf, drawing a red lightaber as he does so.)
Saruman: So be it, Jedi!
Gandalf: Hey! Wrong movie!
Thanks, Gina!
Frodo: I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.
Sam: We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may yet. (He steps back a little and loses his footing. Unbeknownst to Frodo, he topples over and rolls back down the hill.)
Frodo: Sam, I'm glad you're with me. (He turns.) Sam?
Thanks, Gina!
Gandalf: You cannot pass! (He points down at the bridge. Across it are painted two yellow lines.) Passing is illegal over a double-yellow line!
Thanks, Gina!
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! (He thrusts his staff downwards, striking the bridge. There is a sharp crack, but the bridge does not break.) Wha-? (He looks at his staff. It is broken in two.) Dang it! That's the third one! When will the prop guys start making these things out of REAL wood?
Thanks, Gina!
Legolas: There is a fell smell on the air.
(Everyone turns and looks at Gimli.)
Gimli: Hey, I took a shower! It's not me!
Aragorn: Ah, Legolas, I think that wasn't the right word...
Thanks, Gina!
Aragorn: I swore to protect you.
Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself? (Holds out the ring) Would you destroy
it?
Aragorn: (Frowns slightly and takes a step toward Frodo. Then he snatches the
ring and runs the other way) Ha ha ha! I got it! I got it! I got it!
Frodo: (Confused) Was he supposed to do that?
Thanks, Gina!
Frodo: I carry nothing.
Aragorn: Indeed. I can avoid being seen if I wish. But- (He pinches the candle
wick.) OW!
Thanks, Gina!
Sam: That fellow over there has done nothing but stare at you since we arrived.
Frodo: (Glances at the figure smoking a pipe in the corner. He stops the
innkeeper.) Excuse me. That man in the corner... who is he?
Innkeeper: (Glances at Aragorn. He has begun to cough violently and throws down
the pipe.) Uh, I guess he's somone who doesn't take well to smoking...
Thanks, Gina!
Gandalf: Ah! It's that way.
Merry: He's remembered!
Gandalf: No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here.
Merry (in an undertone to Sam): That's because Pippin hasn't been there yet...
Pippin: I heard that!
Gimli: NO!
(He begins to run toward the throne room.)
Gandalf: Gimli!
(Gimli continues to run toward the open door... then smashes into it. He stumbles back, stunned.)
Gandalf: I tried to warn you! It's one of those Plexiglass doors...
Gandalf (reading the coffin): "Here lies Balin, son of Hoodlum."
Legolas: Hoodlum?
Gandalf: Err... not Hoodlum.
(Gandalf picks up the book and gently blows on it. All the pages fly out.)
Gandalf: Do I have really bad breath or are these pages just really fragile?
(Pippin notices the skeleton next to him. He starts to twist the arrow in its side.)
Skeleton: OW! Stop that!
(Pippin, startled, falls into the well. He grabs onto the edges as he goes down.)
Pippin: HELP!
(Aragorn and Legolas run over and pull him back up.)
Gandalf (with a chuckle): Throw yourself ALL the way in next time and rid us of your stupidity!
Frodo (with a groan): We just can't get this take right!
(The orc drums start. Slowly, steadily, they beat. After a moment, a trumpet joins them, playing a beautiful melody. A piano joins in. Soon there is a whole orchestra playing. The camera zooms through the mines and finally settles on a group of orcs, standing in orderly rows. A lone orc faces them, a baton in his hand. He waves his baton, and the orcs all begin singing.)
Orcs: When you wish upon a star...
Conductor: NO! No! No! No! You basses are so weak, I can't even hear you! (turns around to the camera) Will you PLEASE leave us alone? We're in the middle of choir practice.
(Legolas shoots at an orc, but the arrow bounces off the orc's armor, comes back around and knocks Legolas down.)
(Legolas tries again to shoot an orc, and we get a shot of Aragorn falling to the ground, an arrow in his arm.)
Aragorn: LEGOLAS! You idiot!
Legolas: Oops... sorry!
(Legolas jumps up onto the cave troll and proceeds to shoot a few arrow's into the creatures head. Then he jumps off onto the floor.)
Legolas: AAAAH!
Aragorn: (from across the room) What?
Legolas: I think I've broken my leg... and the thing's coming after me!
(The cave troll grabs ahold of Frodo and begins to drag him off.)
Frodo: Help!! Help!
(He grabs a stone on the wall as he goes by, and accidentally pulls it out.)
Gandalf: Frodo, that was a-
(There is a gigantic rumbling. It appears that the entire mountain is about to come crashing down on them.)
Gandalf: Forget the rest of this fight, forget the Balrog, we just need to get out of here, and FAST!
(They run out.)
(The cave troll takes a long spear and stabs it into Frodo.)
Sam: FRODO!
(But Frodo doesn't seem to have been hurt, instead, he stands up and does a little victory dance, taunting the cave troll.)
Frodo: I have mithril, I have mithril, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
(The cave troll angrily stalks away.)
Bilbo: Today is my 111th birthday!
(Everyone claps.)
Bilbo: Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to . . . (Sniffs the air) Is something burning?
Frodo: Your cake's on fire!!
Bilbo: What?! (whirls around) Put it out! Put it out! PUT IT OUT!
Thanks, Carmen!
(Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli place Boromir him in the boat with all his things. They push the boat off the shore, and watch it slowly drift towards the falls. Suddenly, just before the boat reaches the falls, Boromir sits up, and screams as he goes over.)
(Thanks, Carmen!)
(Merry, Pippin, and Sam are knocked aside by a black rider, who then proceedes towards Frodo. Frodo crawls backwards, trying to get away, then puts on the ring out of despiration. The figures appear, and the one stabs Frodo, who starts to shout out in pain, but then stops and takes the ring off. Everyone, including the black riders, stares at Frodo in amazement.)
Frodo: What? Can't Bilbo and I decide to change the movie slightly? We decided that I should already have the Mithril.
Sam: Ooh, that does make sense. Now lets get rid of these guys before Strider comes back and impress him!
Merry and Pippin: YEAH!
(Everyone madly starts to try and get rid of the black riders, without success. Strider comes in.)
Strider: Wha-? Oh well, they still seem to need my help.
(Strider picks up a flaming stick and chases the black riders away.)
Strider: What happened? Shouldn't Frodo be on the ground right now?
Sam: Bilbo already gave him the mithril.
Strider: Oh, I see now, but that shortens the movie.
Frodo: Not exactly, we've taken all the missed time up by talking here, so let's get a move on, before we make it longer!
(Thanks, Carmen!)
Merry: You're supposed to put it in the ground!
Pippin: It is in the ground!
Merry: Outside!!
Pippin: This was YOUR idea...!
*The firework explodes out of the ground and heads for the roof of the tent. The roof buckles, but the tent stakes and ropes hold it to the ground, it does not lift off.
Pippin: Isn't the tent supposed to fly awa... uh-oh.
Merry: (in desperate voice) Put it out, you fool, put it out!!!!
Director: (in the background) CUT!!!
*explosion*
Pippin: Ow.... when I read my contract, I thought the burn marks would be fake!
(Thanks, Daniel!)
If you have any ideas for any more, please submit them!