The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
*~*~*
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
*~*~*
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
*~*~*
July 21, 2003
BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA: Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The U.S. is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My goodness, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
If the initial airlift is successful, Bush said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's."Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.
"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Bush said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."
Linguists praise the U.S.'s decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."
According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready" and "I believe it will rain."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
*~*~*
Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"Oh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
*~*~*
GREAT NEW EXERCISE BREAKTHROUGH
Here is an unsolicited endorsement of this new exercise.
1. I started outdoors, standing behind the house, with a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand. Bending the knees slightly, I extended my arms straight out at my sides, leaving them there as long as I could.
2. After a couple of weeks, I moved up to a 10 lb. sack and then a 25 lb. sack.
3. Finally, I got to the stage where I could lift a 50 lb. sack in each hand, knees bent, and I could hold this position for a full minute or more.
4. Next, I started putting a couple of potatoes into the sack, but I caution you: do not overdo it at this level.
*~*~*
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters of the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent, having had an exceedingly profitable year, seeing the dejected couple looking in the window was inspired to a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I bet that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer!"
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and to book a room in a five star hotel. They, as expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" the travel agent asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me."
"What would that be?" asked the travel agent.
"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
*~*~*
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Redneck are captured by a fierce tribe of Indians.
The chief walks up to them and says, "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you will all die, and we will use your skin to make canoes. The good news is you can choose the way you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." When given the poison, the Frenchman shouts, "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me." When given the pistol, the Englishman puts the gun to his head and shouts, God save the queen!" and shoots himself in the head.
The Redneck asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands the Redneck a fork, and he begins stabbing himself all over his body, his stomach, his sides, his chest ... everywhere.
As the blood from the redneck begins gushing out all over, the chief is appalled and screams, "What are you doing?"
The Redneck looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, Bubba!"
*~*~*
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
*~*~*
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.
"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
*~*~*
A woman walking down a residential street, noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed.
"Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise."
"Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked.
"Twenty-six," he replied.
*~*~*
Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}\-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t
*~*~*
As a Dominican nun, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope.
One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my usual Dominican habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up.
After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card.
It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.
The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.
"Pardon me, Mrs Hall," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"
*~*~*
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
*~*~*
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
*~*~*
A Czechoslovakian man felt his eyesight was growing steadily worse, and felt it was time to go see an optometrist.
The doctor started with some simple testing, and showed him a standard eye chart with letters of diminishing size: CRKBNWXSKZY. . .
"Can you read this?" the doctor asked.
"Read it?" the Czech answered. "Doc, I know him!"
*~*~*
A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
*~*~*
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
*~*~*
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
*~*~*
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man's heart softens as he realizes his wife is right. He gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes!" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"OK. Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
*~*~*
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to a Catholic church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he says,
"God be with you."
Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice,
"God will get you!"
*~*~*
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands himbanother handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
*~*~*
Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.
For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?