Untitled
"So Mega Man locked himself in the bathroom because everyone thinks he's an idiot."
"But he IS an idiot."
"Yeah, but that's not the point."
"You're in my secondary fortress hanging from the ceiling. Any questions?"
"I NEVER mock anyone stupider than I am."
"Well, since you're here, would you like to join my friends and me for lunch? And maybe you can tell us why you're here?"
"Well..."
"We have bananas."
"I'm so there!"
"Flaming pink dragon kidney punch!"
"Ha! We'll see who's dying after my...overconfident backwards karate chop of death! Hey! You're not allowed to...block..."
"Guess I'll just have to torture him the old fashioned way."
"Why do I get the feeling I should've been paying more attention to random foreshadowing?"
"Ready to begin your hideous torture?"
"If I said no, would it make any difference?"
"Should I still be offended?"
"Yes."
"Ah, okay. I'll just stand over here being indignant then."
"Everyone here is too smart; I haven't had a good smirk in a long time."
"You ever get the feeling that something very, very bad is about to happen?"
"Yeah, but it's usually just gas."
"No! Bad Bass! Entering strange portals is bad!"
"This isn't over between me and the ice cream hater."
"I'm going to stay right here and announce our plans to the audience, so nothing can go wrong."
"Don't you just love how needless violence brings people together?"
"What? I'm evil. I lied."
"Mwahaha! Without your Yellow Demon's control jewel, he will explode! Or perhaps he'll simply go berserk and destroy you all! Or maybe he'll just...cry?"
"You can't imagine how long I've been wanting to fight you, Mega Man..."
"Yes I can! I'm not an idiot!"
"What?"
"Four months, right? No, wait, five minutes? Thirteen years! Man, I suck at these guessing games."
"Seems a shame we never got to that storyline where I fall in love with Bass..."
"Fine, let's go. I was tired of living anyway."
"Albert, do you know anyone named George?"
"And then I'll destroy...er, nope, can't say that I do."
"This George-guy says that Dr. Wily is still evil and going to try to take over the world again!"
"What? Dr. Wily? The man who's already tried to take it over twice and I now trust because he claims to have amnesia? Utter nonsense."
"Mega Man, you must slide if you want to defeat me."
"But I don't want to slide! It's stupid!"
"Fine. If you won't fight properly, I'm leaving."
"Um, okay... That was easier than I thought it'd be..."
"You will pay for slapping me!"
"Oh yeah? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
"Prepare yourself for... The Thousand Slaps of Doom!"
"Cool! I'm just a pair of glowing floating eyeballs!"
"I am the one who haunts your dreams..."
"Dr. Wily?"
"No..."
"My long-lost brother?"
"No..."
"Santa Claus?"
"No!"
"The milkman?"
"What?!"
"Oh! I know! My old scout leader!"
"No! I'm Shadow Man!"
"What? You're not in my dreams."
"And now I'm very thankful for that."
"A true ninja can hide in the shadows of bright light..."
"What? Now you're not making any sense!"
"That is the price you play for playing Monopoly with an eskimo of the night."
"How do our scarves flap like this with no wind?"
"We're just cool like that."
"So, uh, why'd you lock yourself in the bathroom?"
"I was trying to avoid a paradox."
"I'm a generic mad scientist and the major villain in a video game. I'm all about needlessly complicated."
"I'd hug you, but it'd probably kill you."
"Well, you were right. WE survived jumping right off that cliff."
"Yup. It's a good thing these jagged rocks were here to break our fall, huh?"
"Yup."
"Why didn't anyone come looking for my corpse?"
"We were rather busy being killed by Mynd."
"You certainly don't look dead."
"We got better."
"I'm here to tell you how to defeat the giant drug-induced coma monster."
"Oh? How?"
"You have to search deep within yourself and find the power."
"You mean, like find some sort of spiritual strength to defeat my inner demons?"
"Nah! I'm just talking about using a really big gun!"
"Now Dr. Wily and I can finish our work on Gamma, the gigantic peace-keeping robot of mass destruction!"
"I'm off to misplace my keys."
"Please do not be mad when you are dead."
"Oh, you're such a dirty cheater!"
"You are one to talk, Mr. EMP-behind-my-back."
"For having been hanging there for months now, you're awfully cheery."
"I've obviously gone insane. Wee! Look what I can do!"
"You cannot attract the blind butterfly with motor oil..."
"Whatever, you metaphoric moron."
"Are you trying to recruit me to the ways of evil again?"
"Maybe..."
"The world's most notorious villain is in control of a gigantic robot, and Mega Man's nowhere to be seen!"
"Nice dramatic yet pointless recap. Now, what are we going to do about this?"
"Um...die?"
"You're so helpful."
"It's my Tweezer-O-Matic."
"What did you do with that bug that flew in my eye?"
"It wasn't a bug, it was an eyelash."
"I have eyelashes?! I have eyelashes! I... have... EYELASHES!!"
"Hi there! We're giant killer bugs and we're here to, well, kill you."
"Hey, Mega Man! Whatcha doing?"
"Nothing! And I certainly wasn't dragging Proto Man into the basement..."
"Did you eat paint chips as a child or something?"
"Wait a minute... you're saying you got shot in the head on purpose? How deviously idiotic."
"I suddenly have this urge to destroy Tokyo."
"You know, it's not very nice to teleport someone without their permission."
"Well, I should get going. Do you promise not to kill anyone while I'm gone?"
"No."
"Whatever."
"You know, if I had blood, this would be really uncomfortable."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to be cool and mysterious when hanging upside-down?"
"Prisoners ARE NOT allowed to take potty breaks!!"
"Any questions?"
"Yeah, why is Forte so ugly?"
"Any RELEVANT questions?"
"MWAHAHAHA!! My device works!"
"Your device duplicates your worst enemy. You're a freakin' genius."
"Fear not, comrade, it is only a flashback."
"Oh. I thought we were traveling through time."
"You people take all the fun out of being evil."
"Someone has stolen Stalin's brain!"
"Well, um, did you know that there may or may not be a polar bear behind you?"
"Hello? Is someone up there?"
"What?! Er, uh, nope. No one up here but us air duct mice."
"Maybe it's a trap! Or maybe he just wants me to think it's a trap so I'll go the other way into the real trap! Or maybe that's what he wants me to think! Or maybe that's what he wants me to think he thinks! Or maybe..."
"Hey! Who are you talking to?"
"This broom."
"You must be Mega Man."
"Hmm... it seems to me as though you're in quite the brined cucumber."
"You broke Break Man. Now we break you."
"While I certainly can't argue with that kind of logic, I think it's only fair to warn you that I'm very allergic to pain."
"That's okay. We brought plenty of antihistamine."
"Before you kill me, don't you want to know all about the wonderful properties of glass?"
"So then I was like, dude! And he was like, dude! And I was all like, dude!! And in the end, there was nothing but darkness... eternal painful darkness... like my pitch-black soul..."
"Stop poking me in the brain!!"
"But it's so fun!"
"My new killer robot will be named... EDDIE!!"
"Oh, that's okay! I don't need your help! I don't have any ARMS, but I can get up all by myself!"
"Ow! My evil twin clone from an alternate future just poked me in the eye!"
"Hey, what happened to your asthma?"
"I guess it disappeared just in time for my noble sacrifice. Go figure."
"MY SPLEEN!"
"We now go to Shade Man with the weather."
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Expect tomorrow to be nice...EXCEPT FOR THE RIVERS OF BLOOD...and maybe a little rain."
"Ow. I think my brain just broke."
"That can happen."
"That's the last time I ever try poison-flavored ice cream."
"Of course. Why didn't I think of that?"
"Because you're dumb and I'm not."
"Remind me to hate you after I'm born."
"How dare you send me into the past without my permission!! You know I didn't want to go!"
"Well you didn't complain when I put the time suit on you and sent you back."
"THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS IN A COMA!!"
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"You're missing your tail and you're on fire!"
"I...fell down."
"Wait a minute... I'm invisible to you?"
"Ooh, look at the big brain on you."
"Ha! If you can't see me, how can you see my big brain?"
"I certainly can't tell Bass. He's far too stupid to be useful to anyone."
"What? How am I too useful to be stupid?"
"It's true, I was looking Death square in the face and walked away unscathed! Well, okay, maybe not so much 'unscathed' as 'horribly mangled.'"
"That is, by far, the largest free-standing pile of ice cream I have ever seen."
"Please stay tuned to the New Year's Special, followed by Helmut killing everyone."
"So what now? You try to kill me, I try to kill you, rinse and repeat?"
"If there's one thing I remember from my physics classes, it's..."
"Well?"
"I forgot it."
"In every epic there is a battle between good and evil. Except for those epics that don't have a battle between good and evil. This is one of those epics. That is, one of those epics that DOES have a battle between good and evil."
"Nice recap. Let's go burn things."
"You know, I couldn't help but notice that one of your 'cared-for' cities just got nuked."
"NO! NO! What have you done?! You've destroyed Dark Man, my greatest creation! Well there's only one thing to do now..."
"What are you doing?"
"Writing about it in my livejournal."
"George? Didn't he blow up my fortress?"
"Yeah, but who hasn't?"
"There's been a kidnapping! It was either Proto Man or Dr. Light!"
"What? Who's been kidnapped or who did the kidnapping?"
"Exactly!"
"This broom won't help me at all! All he keeps saying is 'YLIW! YLIW!' Oh...wait..."
"Are you okay?"
"Oh, yeah, sure, I get repeatedly punctured by stars all the time."
"Are you beating out the flames with your own corpse?"
"Uh...yeah..."
"That is wrong in so many ways."
"Ran, turn your Cossack Buster up to full power, start blasting, and try not to die too much."
"QUIT TAUNTING THE BLACK HOLE!"
And stuff from the Bob and George fancomic "Oddball Comics":
TITLES:
Finally, FINALLY... nothing much happens
It's always an evil genius. Just once I'd like to fight an evil idiot.
Let's play insult the sadistic robot!
All scientists have containers of goo
Quick! Call that other woman with a gun-arm!
Action games have bars named "Bar"
Nobody dies until we hear everyone's story
"Point and click. Things go boom."
"What kind of wackaroo would use a family-size death ray in a bathtub?"
"First rule of being evil is don't design weapons of mass destruction without a glaring weakness."
"What's the R.R.R.S.S.S.?"
"The Really Really Really Smart Scientist Society."
"I just invented the exploding bird."
"Does it do anything useful?"
"Not really, no."
"Quick! Tell them I'm here!"
"The traditional way to avoid the police is tell them you're NOT here."
"That actually might work better. Try that instead."
"Don't be a tuna head!"
"WHO DARES DISTURB THE MIGHTY AUTHOR?"
"The weirdo with the met hat."
"...so then the nun says to the guacamole salesman..."
"You realize there's no room for a punchline now."
"Well...walk into a wall or something."
"Hey Roll, what's with all the cheese wedges on the front lawn?"
"It's been eleven years. I want a new dress."
"You turned her into Martha Stewart."
"Rats. Those two buttons are right next to each other."
"Dude, 'The Karl Marx Brothers' sucks. Skip it."
"Food good. Pass food here. Food for me. Food food food."
"Does this color scheme make me look all holidayey?"
"Can't talk. Watching snow."
"Cool! I got a bowling ball. What are they for again?"
"I want a nice, tall, frosty glass of ketchup."
"My existance rests on a guy with a bowl on his head."
"I hate being lost. ...Not that I AM lost, but I'd hate it if I was."
"I'll bet you don't have a wife-to-be that's a fish."
"Look, I just have one nagging question. Do you know where I can get a little brass laywer?"
"Can I borrow your head?"
"Sure!"
"Hey doof-head, quit thinking in metaphors. You're missing the fight."