Justin POV
I�m laying in the dark trying to remember a time when I wasn�t in love with Brian Kinney. I can�t. I know that there was a time, I can even remember things that happened before I met Brian. Problem is, I can�t remember me then. Sure, I know I was there� but it seems like I really only started to live when Brian came into my life. It�s funny how things change like that, how people change like that.
At seventeen I was about as green as they come. I don�t really remember what gave me the courage to leave the quiet and safety of my posh suburban neighborhood and venture into the unknown, but somehow I did it. And, looking back, it was probably the best thing I ever did. Brian was the first person I was really comfortable being myself around. There�s something about him that screams �You�re safe with me�. From the moment Brian spoke to me, I was hooked.
I don�t know how I had the strength to fight for him. I�m pretty sure that most people would give up on him a lot sooner than I did. Hell, now that I think about it, most people DO give up on him. All the tricks who want another night with Brian scurry when he commands it.
I never scurried�
Not until Ethan came along. I guess you could say he was the wrong guy at the right time. He said everything that I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it. I can�t believe I really fell for it. I thought that I was smarter than that.
Guess not�
And here I am. In the middle of the night I�m asleep at Brian�s once again� but this time I�m on the couch. In our relationship, Brian told me to sleep on the sofa more than once. I never stayed there. I always slipped into bed with him and he never told me to go back to the couch� I wonder if he would tonight�
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Brian POV
I can practically hear the wheels turning out there. I know he isn�t asleep. I always knew when he was pretending to be asleep. He would do that sometimes after we�d argued. He liked to pretend that he could care less. I knew better. There�s a little sighing sound that he makes when he�s really asleep.
I wonder what he�s thinking about�
I can�t believe I asked him to stay. I don�t know where my mind goes when it comes to that boy. Ever since that first night, it�s like he�s had me by the balls. I brought him to the fucking hospital when Gus was born, no other trick would have been given the same treatment.
Even now, when I know I�m in love with him for real, I can�t figure out why. He�s nothing like the guys I�m normally attracted to. He�s cute and sweet. Before him, I never liked cute and sweet. And then there he was, blond and blue eyed and he seemed perfect to me. And the next thing I knew, I was in a relationship.
It felt like everyone was laughing at me. Even my friends. They think I didn�t hear them when they were making bets on how long Justin and I would last. I heard. And I believed them. I believed that I really couldn�t do it. Because they weren�t betting on how long Justin would last, but how long before I fucked him over.
I wonder who won the bet.
After Justin was gone, it seemed like everyone except Michael was mad at me, everyone else thought I must have done something to make him leave. And I guess I believed that myself.
I just wasn�t there when he needed me to be, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn�t give him what he needed.
So now he�s out there and I�m in here� I wonder if that�s a metaphor for our entire relationship� It was like he was just outside but I wouldn�t let him in. Jesus, Kinney, you�re starting to sound like some therapy queen.
I could always invite him in here� I wonder if he would come�
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