It�s not like I gave up straight away. Three long weeks I kept it together for, suffered for. Three weeks without sleep, without contact to anyone on the outside world, three weeks of endless screaming and ear splitting silences, three weeks of counting the seconds and counting the pennies. Three weeks was long enough, too long and all I could take.
That day had been the first day I had dared to venture out of the house into the world that rejected me. I could feel the eyes on me as soon as I stepped out of the safety of the house I had been hiding in for what felt like forever. Behind the net curtains the dozy housewives twitched as I walked down the cold, unforgiving grey street. I walked steadily along, my feet pounding to the rhythm set by my heart and I knew that I was to become the hot gossip for the day. �Little Lisa� they had whispered. �Who would have thought it? Such a nice family she comes from� Only sixteen years old you know. No more than a child herself- it�s just not right.� I was the talk of the village when it first happened: the village bike. Nothing like this ever happened in Putney-on-Tyne where children ate ice creams and tourists came to sunbathe on the distinctly grey sands. This happened in grotty council flats in London to children from a bad home, not in a place like this to people you know, but it had. Little Lisa had got herself pregnant. People couldn�t believe what they were hearing but it was true and on this sunny morning in May I was pushing the proof down to the corner shop in the faded blue buggy with rattling wheels. I can see her small fist jump up at me like a dolphin out of water. Baby Charlotte: My baby. I couldn�t believe it and from the looks that fell somewhere between curiosity and disgust that clouded other people�s faces I could tell they didn�t believe it either.
It was hard to take in how completely different my life was once I had Charlotte. People used to be nice to me and I never though that there would be a time when everyone would hate me but they did: everyone did. I could see it in the looks my parents gave me, the disgust that shone in their eyes as bright as the sun and so dazzling that all I could do was look away hope it wouldn�t hurt me. I could see it in the way my neighbours whispered behind closed doors and the way old school friends never called anymore- ashamed to be seen with a girl like me. I could feel the hatred cutting deep inside me when I realised the rumours that had been circulating about me, I heard it ringing in my ears as they spat out the latest teenage pregnancy statistics on the news and I saw it written all over the face of that shopkeeper on that day. It was as clear as the daylight. One mistake and I�m hated forever. One mistake and they judge my baby and me. One mistake.
Pick up the milk, pay, go home. That was the plan: nice and easy with no conversations and no complications. But once I was there I could see that it wouldn�t be that simple: nothing was ever simple. I felt my cheeks flushing hot crimson and my hands began to jump up and down with fear as I shuffled forwards towards the counter.
�Just this please.� I whisper as I placed the money and milk on the cold metallic surface and stare at it, pretending to be immensely interested in my distorted reflection. I kept hoping that if I just kept as quiet as a mute mouse I would just sink down into the ground and disappear forever. It seemed no matter how much I stared down I could still feel his eyes burning constantly into my pale skin as he remember what I had done. I knew that he was dying to ask me all the questions that ran round in his mind. Why had I done it? What had gone wrong? Who was to blame? Was I keeping the baby?
�Thank you.� He muttered as he passed me the bag. He was embarrassed, he couldn�t see me as myself any more: I was no longer the baby he�d bounced upon his knee or the child he�d given free lollipops to. I wasn�t even just a customer anymore; he couldn�t look at me without knowing what I�d done. I was no longer Lisa I was that Lisa.
People had always had high hopes for me, being an only child all my parent�s unfulfilled dreams had been thrust onto my young shoulders. I was destined for Cambridge to study law until I had thrown it all away like a piece of rubbish. Now I would never get the chance to do what they wanted, never be able to complete the dream. Now I had decided to keep the baby I would forever pay for it. Destined to a life chained at home with a screaming child, working weekdays in some department store to earn enough to feed her. I knew that I would get no support from my parents: it was enough to ask them to keep a roof over my head while they hated me with every breath. I was all alone.
I flew out of the shop as fast as I could with the rickety buggy. There was an urgency to escape somewhere inside me that I hadn�t felt before. I wanted to grow wings and soar off into the blazing sunset, never to be seen again. I wanted to scream and cry until I was hoarse just because of everything that had happened. When I got outside I felt the fresh air hit me like a slap across the face as I collapsed against the rough brick wall. Breathing was becoming difficult and I could feel the familiar sense of being out of control spreading over me. I closed my eyes and tried to block out all the pain but I could hear the baby as her screams grew ever louder and I could feel the eyes of the passers by clinging onto me as they wondered how I would cope, hot tears of shame burned pathways down my cheeks and I felt like I was standing in the pathway of a train with my feet well and truly glued to the tracks. I could feel my life flash before my eyes as my knees went weak and I fell to the floor in a crumpled pile of nothingness. The last thing I heard was the milk smash under me and the incessant cries of a baby just out of my reach.
I could hear voices: so many voices. They all seemed to be calling to me and pleading with me but as I slowly opened my eyes I could answer not one of them. They mimed their words like I was deaf and offered me numerous cups of water and tried to help me up but all I could do was shrug them off and look around manically for my little girl. Why were they fussing so? All I�d done was faint after having a panic attack and nothing to eat all day- nothing unusual in that. In fact since the baby had been born it had become a regular occurrence. It was hard to explain all this when all my mouth would so was open and close without a sound coming out no matter how often I gulped in the clean air. Then I saw it: I saw her holding my baby. The bitch that had tried to take her off me. Some kind of social worker she was and she didn�t think that I was fit to look after her. That�s what she�d thought at the time and I could tell by the cold look in her even colder eyes that she still thought that now. As she cooed to the baby I could see her devious mind twirling with ideas of how to get her off me. She�d say I was unstable, unwell- I knew she�d say anything to take Charlotte away from me forever. I couldn�t let that happen. There was no logic left in my mind by this point, all I could see was Charlotte being taken away from me and the idea that I had to stop them. I was working on pure adrenalin and the little amount of coffee I�d had that morning. No food, no sleep, no sense. Just her and me.
I lunged forward with all the strength I could find and pulled my baby out of her arms and back towards me. I could see the shock evident on all the faces as they circled me slowly like vultures swooping in on the prey. Their constant yapping seemed to be imprinted inside my brain as they just went on and on.
�Come on and sit down� you must be exhausted� just give me the baby� Call your parents�� No! No parents: please. Just let me� But no one was listening to my thoughts. They just kept on coming towards me, closer and closer till there was no escape and I thought I might drown in the sea of people surrounding me. I held my breath and pushed through the buzzing crowd in the hope of finding some escape. I held my baby tight in my arms, supporting her head with one arm as I tried to sooth her cries away. I knew they would be following me so as soon as I was into the fresh air I ran along the road like there were wings attached to my feet. Running through the pain, through the stitch and away from them all. They�d never catch me now. Never. It wasn�t a big village and there were only two main roads and one crossing at the bridge. When I reached this road I stopped dead in my tracks. On one side was the centre where that woman worked, the adoption centre. I�d read about it in the papers, where young babies get left, abandoned, it would all be so easy� No! No way. I had come this far with just her and me and I wasn�t going to let her go now.
On my side there was nothing, only the river. I could hear the crowd following behind me and I knew I had to make my decision now- there was no time to think things over and wait for a rational decision to come to me. I closed my eyes, trying to shut it all out and tumble into the darkness: just to escape from the nightmare. And then I knew that I could. I saw it: my way out, so blissfully simple that I couldn�t believe I had never thought of it before. A few steps and it would all be gone. All the pain, misery and hatred gone and nothing but me and Charlotte forever and ever.
�Ssh honey, it�ll all be okay.� I whispered to her: my darling daughter as I began to climb onto the stone structure at the edge of the bridge. Gently I rocked onto my back legs like a rabbit as I tried to push myself up which was quite a task in itself. Baby in one arm while the other tries to get me upright, balancing dangerously close to the edge. I take a few steps, testing how easily I can walk on the edge of the bridge, the edge of my life. On one side the river and the other the road with its streaming traffic and as the song says I�m stuck in the middle with you. I heard a loud gasp from behind me and I don�t need to look to see that they�re all there. Gasping and staring at me. Offering me words of comfort and advice that I neither want nor need. I knew what I was doing, realised the choice I was making and for the first time in my life I was in control.
One last look into the beautiful face. How did I manage to create something so perfect when I was so far from perfection? The golden locks curled gently round her angelic face, her piercing blue eyes gazing deeply into my own murky green ones as if she knows something none of us do- she�s telling me it�ll all be okay. Her butterfly lips close gently together and her screaming stops for once, silence filling the air, and I swear she smiles at me. It�s like my whole life has been leading up to this one moment. Like I�m finally going to do the right thing. I know that I�ve messed up my life but she�s perfect in every way and thanks to me she�ll always be perfect. Never turn into a girl like me. I kiss her gently, smile and together we jump into infinity.
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