There were so many lights on in the small town of Holby that night as families prepared for the impending day that was dragging ever closer to them no matter how much they tried to hide from it. Presents were still to be wrapped in the two days that they had left and decorations needed to be put up and food to be bought while the day to day life still had to carry on. The night time was the only time parents had to prepare so they sat up late with their curtains open to display the glimmering fairy lights that lit up their tree. With all this going on it�s no wonder they didn�t find the body for days. No one can blame them- except her.
In the days running up to Christmas it seems that wherever you go Christmas carols assault your ears and refuse to let you think or breath without a merry tune darting through your head whispering words about peace and good will to all men. No one believed that peace or good will to all men would ever happen, especially in the current situation, but at Christmas all these doubts were somehow put aside. Every night the sound of carols filled the deserted streets where carol singing children would once have stood before it got too dangerous to go out at night. Before the gun culture had moved away from London. Before the war. The first war everyone had expected because of the government in charge and the way they would follow America to the ends of the earth. No one liked it but there was nothing that could be done when the rallies made no difference and the protests went unheard but the second time round no one expected war. They had voted in a different government to try and stop that kind of tragedy ever happening again and for a while it didn�t: for a while everything was perfect. No one saw what was happening, they didn�t notice the censorship that slowly crept in, didn�t understand why so many good doctors and nurses were loosing their jobs. Didn�t understand why suddenly friends were disappearing and race was becoming an issue. With history lessons banned no one could see the connection before it was too late. Not until the guns crept onto the street and people started to flee did anyone really understand the power of the Freedom Party. The Nazis.
But it was Christmas and politics was pushed from everyone�s mind as they sang happy songs and remembered better times. That�s why every CD player now blazed with songs of love and joy so loud that no one could hear themselves think. No one wanted to hear themselves think because of the pain it caused. They didn�t want to hear the gun shot that pierced the night sky so they didn�t. This sound was now an everyday occurrence and everyone knew that if they got involved they would be added to the number of the dead. Death is the thing they all fear most except for her. When she heard the gun shot over the carols she felt no fear, just freedom. Did she blame the people for not coming to help her? Maybe. Did she blame herself for not being stronger? Defiantly.
In the small town that used to be a city everyone knows who Holly Miles is. She used to be the best doctor in the whole of England before� Before everything went wrong. Now she was an old lady with only cats for company. Often the inhabitants of the town would see her wandering aimlessly around the town and they all smiled at her and waved as if they were best friends but she just looked through them like she looked through everyone. Some people said that she had lost her mind but they said it with such affection that you couldn�t hate them for it. Who could blame her for loosing her mind after all the things that she�d seen? All that she�d done to help. When the first victims had come in with hideous wounds that could only have been inflicted through tremendous mental and physical torture Holly just shook her head sadly and treated them. She never asked questions but told them she�d always listen. She never judged and wrote down ever story she was ever told for her book that would never be released. When she saw children beaten black and blue she remained clam and when they explained how their parents were dead she merely found them a safe house and walked away. She never let the world see her cry because to everyone else she was a figure of strength in the darkness- the face of the now practically non-existent NHS and she couldn�t let them down. She was working in one of the only hospitals left in England where you could be treated no matter how poor you were, what race you were or what religion you came from when it happened. It was her hospital that she had built up from scratch during her 20 something years in the medical profession and called a name that meant something to everyone. Spiller�s. Named after the man she thought she would be sharing the rest of her life with but who died before the world went mad. It was for the people who spilled over from the other hospitals and for the people who would, with the help of Holly�s book, spill the secrets of the government to the ordinary people.
It was another ordinary shift almost five years ago and Holly was working through the night as she did every night with her small staff of close friends. Only friends could be trusted to work in a place like this when there were so many enemies in the world. When the call from their one remaining ambulance that hadn�t been burnt out or stolen came through Holly was nursing a small child with pneumonia back to health so she couldn�t hear the news personally. She just got the second hand information that a forty something man with both his kneecaps blown off and another of the same age who was blind in both eyes due to having bleach rubbed into them. They also both were HIV positive. As Holly soaked up this information she shuddered at the world that they lived in and ran to set up resus. Mentally she prepared herself for the screaming and crying that she was about to see, prepared to face what the people who ruled her country did to the people they didn�t like but no amount of comforting words could prepare her for what she was about to see.
The first man was wheeled in and his face was so contorted with the effort that it was taking him to stop screaming. He wanted to be strong because he knew he�d got off lightly: he was alive which was more than most. He could see which was more than he could say for his partner. Holly looked at him and at the pain on his face and she thought she might faint. This was something she had always dreaded: having to treat someone she knew and although it may have been almost twenty years she defiantly knew this man- she would recognize him anywhere.
�Adam?� Her hoarse throat managed to spit out as she edged towards the rusting trolley he lay on. Slowly his eyes opened and he took in the dazzling light surrounding him and then the shivering woman standing beside him.
�Holly, is that really you?� All around them doctors and nurses began to put pieces of Adam back together but the two old friends just stared at each other with pain and tears rolling down their faces. �I never thought I�d see you again, never thought I�d see anyone again. Oh I�m so glad that�� Suddenly he stopped with panic seeping into his voice as he tried to sit up but was weighed down by the pain in his legs. �Rueben! Where�s Rueben? Is he-�
�He�s okay Adam. We�ll he�s�� Holly pondered over how to tell this man, her friend, that the only person he�d ever loved was blind and would never again be able to see him. Then she saw the relief in his eyes at the news that he was okay and she realized that maybe he was stronger than she thought. He had expected his lover to be dead and nothing could be worse than that. �He�s not dead Adam.�
�Thank god.� He said before he dissolved into tears and thought about all the people he loved who were dead.
Holly felt she couldn�t do enough to help this couple who had been through so much already. In time the wounds healed as best they could though Adam would never walk again and Rueben would never see. Holly knew that as soon as she let them out of the sanctuary that was Spiller�s and into the outside world they would be found again by the police and carted away. She knew that next time they would not escape and she couldn�t let that happen. On the day of their release she made a decision that would haunt her forever.
�That�s it, I�ve decided, you two are coming home with me.� She said brightly as they moved slowly towards the doors. Her voice was light and she tried to make it sound like they were back in the old days and she was just inviting them around for a meal. She wanted to pretend that she wasn�t risking her job, her life.
�No Holly.� Adam had stopped suddenly and was looking more serious than ever before. �No you can�t. I know you want to help but� No. I wont let you.�
�Holly you can�t.� Rueben cut in. �We�re escapees and if they find us then you�ll be charged with offences against the government and sentenced to death. This is different to just treating patients- they can�t stop you doing that, yet- this is being friends with condemned people.�
�I know the risks and I still want to help you. If I just let you go they�ll find you and�� Her voice trailed off and she could no longer meet their eyes.
�I know.� Said Adam in a choked voice. �Rube, you go. They�ll want you less- you�re just gay. I�m Asian and gay, there�s no way they�ll let me get away. I�ll let them find me and say that you were killed and then-�
�No!� Holly and Rueben shouted simultaneously. �No.� Rueben repeated again, quieter. �I�m not letting you go, not when we�ve come this far together.�
�You don�t need to because you�re both coming to stay at my house.� Her voice was filled with such certainty that it shocked even her.
�You sure?� Adam asked tearfully as she pushed his wheelchair forward. The only thing she was sure of was that she had no other choice.
Holly was living in a small house on the outskirts of Holby with her husband, daughter and parents after they had been evicted from their previous house for refusing to have the swastika hanging outside of their house. Recently her husband had lost his teaching job because in class he had mentioned an event that had happened before the Freedom Party came to power and Holly knew that her family would all understand why she had to bring Adam and Rueben back with her because they had all feared what would happen to them when they got on the wrong side of the law. They all remember the feeling that Holly�s house was the only safe place in the world to be. And it was, until that night. That night when they were all sleeping so peacefully in their beds the first hint of smoke came wafting up the stairs. They all slept on. More petrol was poured through the letterbox as the footsteps of the villains ran quickly away. They all slept on. The flames licked the banisters and crept up the stairs as the air was filled with petrol, smoke and the smell of looming death. Suddenly Holly awoke to the sound of her daughter calling her name and with a painful realisation she knew what had happened. This wasn�t just a random attack on a house like so many others had been. This was planned and premeditated- they wanted to kill Adam and Rueben. Now they wanted to kill her too. As she pulled open the door to her bedroom she was confronted with flames and no way to get to any other room. She had no choice but to take the red-hot door handle and slam it shut again. The smoke began to fill every part of her as she called out to anyone who could hear.
�Is anyone here? Wake up!� Her voice was shuddering under the responsibility she felt. This was all her fault.
�I�m here mum!� She heard her daughter�s voice despite her loud heartbeat.
�Is anyone else with you?�
�No I�m on my own. I�m so scared mum!� She began to cry quietly
�Ruby, get to the window and jump!� She shouted.
�I can�t. There�s fire on both sides of me and I can�t see a way out. What do I mum? What can I do?� She was shrieking.
�Get down on the floor, as low as you can, I�m coming to get you.�
�No!� Her voice was pleading but determined. �If you try and make it you�ll be killed. Please mum just get to a window and get out before it spreads to your room.�
�I can�t leave you!� Holly was sobbing at the braveness of her teenage daughter.
�I�ll be fine mum, just go!� Her voice was amazingly calm for someone instructing what would be their certain death.
�But-�
�Please go!� She screamed in pain and despair.
�I love you Ruby, you�re the best thing in my life.� Holly sobbed as she backed away from the door.
�I love you too mum. I love you so much!�
Those were the last words she ever heard her daughter speak. Holly shoved the window open roughly and clambered out. As she jumped she thought it would be better for her to die now than to live a life without her family. Where she�d killed her family. There was only a second of falling and in that time she saw the house she loved falling around her and, in the back ground, Spiller�s. Burning into the night sky. Then everything went black. The blackness seemed to extend forever and Holly thought she�d died but eventually she felt the pain in her head and along the right side of her body where she had fallen and she knew she was alive. Fearfully she opened her eyes and saw the tattered shreds of her life. She saw her home burnt to the ground and behind it the still smoking remains of her hospital. She looked around for her family to be standing or lying beside her but she saw nothing. She couldn�t have been the only one to get out� Could she?
�Ruby?� Her voice was quiet and waiting for a reply. �Ruby? Nick? Mum? Dad? Adam? Rueben?� By the end her voice had risen to such a level that everyone on the street was looking out of their safe houses to see a woman who was on the edge of loosing everything. �Ruby!� Her voice began to crack as she walked towards the rubble that was once her house. �Where are you? Mum where are you?� She began to pull large bricks and pieces of wood away from the pile as she sobbed loudly. It was only then that she felt all the eyes on her but as she turned around she saw nothing but a load of twitching curtains that people had quickly run away from. �Help me!� She screamed with all the anger she had left in her. �Will someone, anyone help me?� She looked from house to house down the small deserted road. �Lucy, we used to go to school together- I was a bridesmaid at your wedding, wont you help me? Jess, I helped save your child�s life when she caught measles and no one else would help you because you hadn�t got enough money, will you help me? Bob I got you that artificial leg when yours was blown off and now you ignore me when I need you most.� She broke down and cried and cried with no one to comfort her because there was no one left. Her family, her friends- all dead.
In their houses all her friends shook at her words. They sobbed as loudly as Holly as they watched their friend suffer because they knew that they could have stopped it. Last night they all heard the screaming and saw the flames maybe before Holly did but they hadn�t gone out to help. They couldn�t phone the fire brigade because anyone who did was next on the list and they couldn�t hide their relief that it was someone else�s house that was burning and not theirs. They now knew that there would be Freedom Party workers waiting in the streets to see who went out to help her and that amazingly their jobs would disappear, or their car would or their children would. They all knew that they were to blame and at sometime during the day while Holly dug until her fingers bled and she�d recovered each charred and broken body her friends walked away into a quiet part of their house and muttered a poem quietly to themselves that Holly had once taught them.
Mea Culpa
First they came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up, because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up, because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.
They all took the blame for the fire and Holly�s loss and that�s why they all smiled and waved when they saw her around town and why they instructed their children to do so. But that lonely winter�s night while she walked up the hill to the cemetery no one looked up and waved. In fact no one noticed she was there because they were too busy leading their own life to see a sad old woman walking to the only place she belonged now. Everyone in the town was used to her being there and they knew not to disturb her while she sat there silently crying by her old lover�s grave. The only grave she had left to grieve by. Because none of her family got graves because only war heroes and people loyal to the government got graves. The rest had to be left to decay in a field somewhere or shovelled into the mass graves that there were so many of. Holly didn�t know where her daughter�s body was, or her husband�s, or the parents who had come to her looking for safety, or the friends she�d been trying to protect. She only had one grave left and tonight that was where she was headed.
All around the grave side there was thick grey snow covering the ground and the headstone so she had to wipe it away to read the message she knew so well:
Patrick Spiller
Arrogant heroes are heroes none the less
She had got them to change the message to this once everyone who would remember Patrick had fled the city because she knew he would like it more than �deeply missed�. She looked at it with all consuming love and then stared at the snow that started to fall once again with contempt. How dare it interrupt her in the only place she could be alone? She was one of the few people in the country who remembered the time when snow used to be white. Before pollution had made the water unsafe to drink when it wasn�t filtered and turned the snow grey. Like the country she lived in. There were no green trees any more, no pink twitching noses on rabbits, no rosy glow to children�s cheeks and no startling blue sky. Everything was grey now. Just like her life. There was nothing but a grey space that only her loneliness filled. First they had taken Patrick. Then her freedom of speech. Then they had taken her sister and nephew. Then Holby General. Then her family and Adam and Rueben. Then Spiller�s and all who worked there. Then the friends she thought she had. Then her medicine- they had said she could never practise medicine again. Leaving her nothing but a sad old woman with cats. And a gun.
She looked at the gun with hatred at how easily she had acquired it. You go into a shop and ask for a gun and they give you one. They don�t ask for ID and they certainly don�t ask what you are going to do with it. They just sell you the gun. Holly had chosen the cheapest one in their- a little hand pistol and it had cost her �50. Apparently that was the price of a life these days. She wondered how much it had cost for them to buy the petrol and the matches that had killed her spirit. She looked around one last time to see if anyone was coming but they weren�t. They were all too busy with Christmas Holly thought bitterly. Since her family had died Holly had taken on Patrick�s view of Christmas, in fact since they had died she had taken on Patrick�s view of most things, and become a cynical old woman. What was there left to be positive about? One last time she picked up the piece of paper that contained all she would be remembered for.
I forgive the people who stood by and watched as my house burned down. I forgive the men who murder millions because they are too scared not to. I forgive the people who said I could no longer practise medicine and stopped me saving lives. I forgive the people who don�t question the rules even though they know they are wrong. I forgive the people who don�t see why they are wrong. I forgive you all. I hope you never forgive yourselves. I hope you realise what you�ve done.
She smiled a twisted smile as she looked down at the gun in her unshaken hands. There was no fear left for her to fear and she knew that the end had come. Slowly she raised the �50 gun to her temple and pulled the trigger. Through the carols a shot was heard. No one looked up but they all hummed a little bit louder to compensate. As her limp body fell to the hard ground the stars in the sky saw the most beautiful sight they had ever seen. Perfect, shimmering red snow. The final drops of life left her tired body as the first drops of blood soaked through the now pink snow and hit the hardened ground.
Where it touched a singled red rose grows. The only beauty left in the world. Red rose, red blood, red snow. The only thing that isn�t grey.