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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:either the car is new or the wife is.....
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman
seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly
like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her!"
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
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Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
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A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,"
urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
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Marriage is a three ring circus:
1.engagement ring
2.wedding ring
3.suffering
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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved,
she just isn't good enough for me."
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An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly.
The male students wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The female students wrote:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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