04-10-02

It has been too long since I have written here, or in any journal. Much has happened since I went to Kyoto, much has happened since I last wrote, but I must purge myself of my current state of affiars before I update everyone on what has occured. I am unhappy at present. Suddenly, and I think this happens all too often, I have found myself in a slump. Things were going well, I came out of my winter slump around the end of Feb and the begining of March, but now, as April arrives I find I am empty. Somehow I took a wrong turn, and I think I could have anticipated it - by the way I was procrastinating, by the way I was purposefully placing myself in positions of inactivity. I went to Tokyo last week to visit Aki and along the way got to hear about Service for Peace. It made me think "I have got to do something...I am in the position to do something..." but in the end, a multitude of hurdles that I had to overcome, both internal and external blocked my vision. The next days after that, I meandered Japan looking for some source of inspiration, but a shadow had passed over my heart and all the wonders of the world could not remove it yet - only by some work of heaven or by some kind of inner power that I had not yet unlocked would it be dissolved. I am starting to write like JRR Tolken....too much "Lord of the Rings." Thats the other thing, I have come to the brutal realization that if I were to venture on a hero's quest, or if I were to fight in a war, I would be a common folk, not one of those common folk that have extraordinary power, but one of the common folk with cowardice or ignorance...only I don't even have ignorance as my allabie....I would be one of the clueless humans, if not one of the ones that was driven to evil by my fear. I am reminded of the character from "Saving Private Ryan" - the one who could speak german and french - but could not pull a gun for fear of staining his morality...in the end he was responsible not only for a comrads death, but the death of an enemy at the finger of malice and not duty...I am like him...only not as capable. It is one thing to have capabilities, it is another to have the character to utilize them properly.

So this is where I am currently...wallowing in my own sorrows...or more like self pity. I know I should get off my butt and do something, but somehow, I cannot discover the will, or the strength, or the desire, or the dream to get up off it...incidentally my butt has gained some padding. I know it is a matter of just doing something, anything...if I continue to do nothing it will only worsen the problem - but at this moment I need some kind of divine or metaphysical push that will get me going...it is like I am a stone that has stoon still too long in soft mud - not only am I covered with moss, I also have sunken into the dirt and cannot get out...BF was wise to write what he did about stones - how true it is...but how odd that the desire to do nothing, be lazy lingers on the edge of our, or is it just me, consciousness no matter how busy we keep ourselves. It that the law of entropy? Actually, it would be nice if the law of entropy worked backwards - that our natural tendency was to do things and create things and stay healthy - not to become lethargic, fat and unmotivated...I wonder if there is a was to naturalize productivity?

Anyway, searching for a reason, or something to kick me out of this rut...then I will have to create a new paradigm - which is incidentally my new motto for April. It will entail loosing the control and the thinking habits, and even part of myself and the pleasures of the current self, which are actually quite few, but nothing like comfort in familiarity...I must learn to think differently - but I need to have something, like a flash of lighting to do so...it seems that even a new environment like Japan has not been enough to snap me out of my old ways...If I were God, I would be so frustrated with myself.

Anyway, the new year has begun, and the students are all so cute. I have to try to maintain enthusiasm, creativity, and mayby purchase some brillance for the future. I hope it will be a good year. I need to set up some projects that will keep me occupied. For now, my Shakespeare project is keeping me busy, but not motivated.

By the way, for all who do not know yet, my grandfather, mother's side has passed away. It has been quite an experience, both culturally, spiritually, emotionally and heartistically. I have become much closer to my relatives on the Japanese side since his passing, and I miss him in a way that I don't think would have been possible unless I had begun to know him. But, I am glad for the way that things unfolded...it was for the best.

Anyway, this is hanako sigining out. I will be okay in a bit - but currently am not. Give it a few days, I will get bored of being unhappy and unmotivated and will dragg myself out of this hole. Fear not, pray a little more, study a bit more and I will snap out of it.

Take care then.

Much love to everyone. Take care

This is hanako signing out..