12-21-01

My deepest apologies for not keeping my journal up to date. Winter break was quite hectic, things have just begun to settle down. During break I traveled around to visit the relatives with Lei. I discovered a world I vaguly remember - but never really knew. Talking with the grandparents was like opening a self history book - there were many small discoveries of where I came form, what my famly members were like, traditions I never knew... It took me a while to figure out how to treat my greater family. I only know how to give and take unconditionally with my nuclear family...it was a new experience learning to accept things from the grandparents and aunts as if they were family...At first it felt ackward, by the end, I felt warm fuzzies inside as I knew that I had family here in Japan, family that meant more than just duty, but also love. If I'm lucky I will have my first good fight with them soon.

After vacation, it was tought getting back into the swing of things. Relationships and habits that I had worked hard to establish my first five months seemed to have disappaited into nothing. I had to start again with many of my students, definately with my physical condition and mental stamina. Having said this, I think it would be appropriate to mention my goal for this year...it is very basic, but I think I need to move back to basics...for my head is very messy. I will focus on the goal of "mind and body unity." That is my motto for the year - in addition to the global motto. Streamlining my goal will hopefully enable me to focus on my daily growth.

The apartment seems empty latly - having been with people through the break and after - it is an odd feeling coming back to a cold dark apartment. The memories that dash in and out of my brain have made me begin to reconsider my perspective on memories...Until recently, I have felt that memories are what create the spirit world - it is what we know, it is what we expereince that makes where we place ourselves for eternity. Clever sequence of logic - but the emptiness that I have been feeling due to my memories has made me question the keep of memories. If they are to the the metal that heaven is built on, why so they create a constant source of yearning? I would say that is a form of attachment - A buddhist would say those are the strings tying me away from heaven.

So, my current conclusion is this - memories should be tied to something bigger than oneself. If they are considered, for examples, gifts from God, then they are divine treasures that enrich our lives, but are not to be dwelt on, pined upon. Rather they should be released and shared as a means of enriching yours and others heavens.

Anyway, these are my thoughts lately...Happy new year to all! I hope you are doing well. Thanks again for everything.

Take care then.

Much love to everyone. Take care

This is hanako signing out..