09-18-02
I haven’t written in my journal for quite sometime – it is odd, I establish many measures to prevent my always inevitable slip into some sort of depression, like this journal, and because of my neglect, I slip into such slumps….funny how it always works. Anyway, I will take some time off to write in this journal, as I should have been. Lately, I have been contemplating the significance of human relationships – its importance in everyday life, its necessity in ones vitality, its inevitability in the workplace. I have had challenges, not major ones, although sometimes I wish for a more visceral relationship – there is something maddening and numbing about courtesy, cold courtesy…it makes even reprimands cold, impersonal…how can one expect true discipline, growth from such relations? But I digress…the challenges lately have been more of a lack of human relationship than a problem with existing ones. In my workplace, I feel distant, detached from most of my colleagues, I wonder if it is because of my aloofness, their business, or a general disregard for me…there is not answer without a probe…and I don’t have the channels, or have yet to establish them, in order to discover the solution to these inquisitions. This situation is slightly paradoxical, in that I have been super busy with school work during the past few weeks. One would think that spending more time in the same place, would at least engender some relationship…but I suppose I ooze different too much? Despite the time investment, I feel out of the loop, unincluded, expendable…which is a common feeling for me, as I have a tendency of low self esteem. Nevertheless, I have not felt satisfied with my late nights and early mornings. I think that even if the final product was a flop, if there was some relationship established through the time spent in team work – I would not feel this empty. Yet, I feel hollow – not hallo. I have learned the personality and names of a few more students, but I don’t feel that feel an affinity towards me, not that that is the objective. Yet, I do wish that we could tie a human relationship- not a business one – not one existing because of rules and position. I want to be their sister, not just their teacher – of course I don’t think I am even that…I often feel like some mutant between a teacher and a student. I need to learn to take initiative – claim authority, even if authority might not be given….that authority would be something I have to establish through the precedence of my heart. But, I digress again. Lately I have felt completely cut off from the community. I don’t feel that they need me, I don’t feel like taking part in the community – furthermore, I have made a point of secluding myself from them…I don’t understand why I don’t feel an affinity for anyone or anything in my surrounding. I have always thrived on doing projects, making attempts to change the landscape around me into something that I at least hope benefits others….yet, currently, I don’t feel even the desire to change my community – I don’t feel ownership – does that mean I have succumbed to the coldness of Fukui or the coldness of my heart? For those of you who read this journal- I will let you in on a secret…actually, it isn’t really a secret in that it involves most of the teachers from my base school – but for the rest of the world, unless those who were involved decide to share with the world – it is a secret. On Sunday, there was a celebration dinner after the Cultural Festival. I was so tired out, so hollow – I didn’t want to go…but for etiquette, I went. An hour into the dinner, I began to drops of water from my eyes…for perhaps no reason…although there is always a reason for such outbursts. I could tell many of the individuals there were at a total loss as to what to do. The school nurse, who is a veteran at this sort of thing…she plays school counselor when the social worker is not at school – took me aside and tried to comfort me….it made things worse…the water was soon accompanied by noise…When she asked what was wrong – there was little for me to say…. I have now diagnosed the problem to be a result of the previous week – the late nights, the feeling of being the outsider, the drive to help and make the community mine – but not succeeding, and to top it all – 9/11 – having to grieve in silence…with a few exceptions when I was trotted out to share my insights on the matter as the token American. I suppose my perspective on everything is what is causing this hollowness…but I cannot sometimes wonder if something is missing from my school…and that I should try to bring that something into it…even if it means being slightly squashed…Is it normal to have to fight so hard…for over a year, to feel comfortable in one place? To feel like one can actually take part, contribute? I wonder if any other JETs have this same problem even going into their second year…I shouldn’t feel so much like an outsider, but every time I go to school, I feel like I have to reestablish my place – when I don’t want to….I want to have my place in the community so I can begin to build my contribution – I don’t want transience, even if that is what is given to me….I want something solid. I spoke to a friend of mine about my impending, what I have dubbed homesickness, which I think is a misnomer, it is more like homelessness….He looked at me and said, “Your home should be everywhere. The world is your home.” I retorted, “Home is where the heart lies….I think my heart is longing for my parents, my family.” He smiled and said, “But your original parent is up there…everywhere….so the world should be your home.” Why is it I always manage to forget such things? I know them, but I forget…or loose sight…then I find myself in these holes. God is my parent, we, humanity don’t respect how much he loves us, how much he sacrifices for us, we don’t even acknowledge the authority he has the right to claim….but he keeps loving, he keeps giving, he keeps working to reestablish the relationship with us…Why can’t I try again, and again, and again…this perhaps is the only testament that I can leave here…I may be treated like an outsider, viewed as an outsider, but I must learn to love this community more than an insider…then no matter how lonely, uninvited, I may feel, I know that I must work to make the place less lonely for others…even if I don’t touch anyone celestial, I can at least work to make a metaphysical being less lonely…and in the process, liberate myself. So, even when I want to crawl up into my little hole of an apartment and drown out my sorrows a million movies, air conditioner, and grandmother’s comforter….mmmm….that sounds really good about now….I need to push myself out into MY Fukui, take challenges, even though I don’t. Initially it will be challenging, with tears, sweat and an immense amount of discomfort…I should not lie about that part, especially because it is an essential part in growth, but eventually it will bring such pleasure and growth and fulfillment. Anyway, this is my contribution for the moment….my meandering thoughts that have found some substance on the net. I will eventually become bored of being homeless…when that happens, I will pull myself out of this hole and learn to shine brighter than before. This is hanako…signing out. Take care, hanakoThis is hanako signing out..
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