Attic Expeditions (2001) - When a guy accidentally murders his wife during a black magic mix-up, he's sent to the House of Love, where lunatics of all flavors (including Seth Green, a nympho and a fat guy who thinks his hand puppet is controlling him) try to make him feel at home... or is it all a conspiracy headed by Jeffrey Combs and Ted Raimi?! Don't ask me, I still don't understand what the fuck the ending means...
Batman: Dead End (2003) - What's a guy to do when Hollywood's raped Batman of his dignity? Well, Stan Winston Studios employee Sandy Collora did the fanboys a favor and put his own money into making this 8 minute "resume".
Blood Freak (1972) - Sure, there are thousands of Christian scare films about the "dangers" of marijuana use. Though Reefer Madness may be the most popularly known one, find out why here at the Tomb of Anubis, Blood Freak is the best one! Also makes a great Thanksgiving movie for the kids!
Cabin Fever (2003) - You know how Scream is like Halloween Lite? Well, think of this as Evil Dead Lite... only the evil Sumarian demons are replaced with a flesh eating bacteria, the rapist trees are replaced by a crazy kung-fu albino kid, and "Jack of All Trades" is replaced with the best friend from "Boy Meets World"...
Dagon (2001) - There's strange doin's transpirin' at the Spanish fishing village of Imboca, but can a software yuppie, his obscenely hot girlfriend and their two creepy old rich friends figure it out before it's too late? And what's that smell?! Oh, it's just Stuart Gordon.
Devil's Nightmare (1971) - Find out why they're called the Seven Deadly Sins when a group of misfortunate tourists wind up spending the night at a downright Scooby-Dooian castle, only to have their un-Christian deeds blow up in their faces. Featuring the guy who played Crank in The City of Lost Children as the Lord of the Flies!
Fearless Hyena (1979) - Jackie Chan's directorial debut finds him goofing off for an hour before he must avenge his grandfather's death at the hands of an old guy with really bushy eyebrows. Nothing especially monumental as far as kung-fu flicks go, but a precursor to the greatness that would be Mr. Chan's legacy... and Jackie in drag! Hahahahahaha!
Glove: Lethal Terminator (1978) - John Saxon plays a bounty hunter who can't get over his failed career as a shortstop as he tracks down a human juggernaut that's been beating old white guys up with a steel riot glove. Can he pull off a career making collar and get the $20,000 reward, or will he be forced to continue wrestling Nicholas Worth and his flute playing gay lover for the rest of his life? Either way, the beef leg fight with a guy named Cookie alone makes this one worth a viewing!
Godzilla: Final Wars (2004) - In celebration of his golden anniversary, Toho updated a few members of Godzilla's Rogues Gallery, dropped a few million dollars, cast an Ultimate Fighting Champion in one of the lead roles and created a new race of aliens to target the Earth for fast food franchise expansion. Ever wonder what Bruce Campbell and Gigan had in common? Find out here.
House of the Dead (2003) - Director Uwe Boll beats us over the head with dolly shots, bullet time, bad acting and zombies who don't know how to open doors in this video game adaptation that should serve as an example for future directors to look at and reconsider their own incompitence before they wind up on here too... And Clint Howard auditions to be the new cover guy for the Gortons� fishstick box.
Meet the Feebles (1995) - Before he was heralding the biggest grossing movie trilogy of all time (fuck you George Lucas!), the fat hairy Kiwi known as Peter Jackson was making bizarre indy pics like this twisted rendition of what a group of Jim Hensonian puppet characters do behind the scenes of their fame and fortune. Need more? How's this: there's a fox who does a musical number about a certain deviant sex act...
Naked Lunch (1991) - Peter Weller goes on a twisted drug romp of talking insects, living typewriters, jazz fusion and Julian Sands in the creepiest role of his life in this spiritual mind fuck of a Kafka style thriller, directed by the king of the Canadian head rapes: David Cronenberg. Don't worry if you don't understand anything by the end of the movie, it's not the destination that makes life, it's the trip you take getting there.
Night Crawlers (1996) - Uggh, the worst movie ever made... WORST! The ugliest family in the world moves into a crappy house and must fight a group of ancient outer space monsters from the planet Dollar Bazaar�. 65 minutes of proof that computers should never have been made for personal home use!
Nude For Satan (1974) - Turns out the Devil's a fan of psychedelics as he manipulates a doctor and a car wrecked woman into his web of sin and deceit and some jacked up LSD in just another Sunday night for Jerry Garcia.
Oblivion (1993) - It's cowboys and aliens on the distant planet of Oblivion, where the Wild West meets high technology and an empath named Zack Stone must avenge his fallen father, the now deceased sheriff of Oblivion, against the wrath of a reptile man named Red-Eye (Andrew "Wishmaster" Divoff) and his intergalactic outlaws. Cameos by George Takei, Julie Newmar and more in this Full Moon sci-fi release as partially written by my favorite comicbook scribe: Peter David!
Race With The Devil (1975) - Peter Fonda and friends witness a human sacrifice and find themselves on the fleeing end of a Satanic cat & mouse game! With nothing but their self-repairing motorhome at their aid, will they make it out of this road trip from Hell alive? Come on, it's Peter Fonda!
Rapeman (1993) - One of the most disturbing, nonsensical characters ever to come out of Japanese society makes his live action debut in this tale of morality, deception and a guy raping women for money... I can't explain this shit any better, so just trust me on this one.
Robo-Vampire (1993) - I will have Thomas Tang's head in a bag of dog shit one day. As if Vampire Raiders - Ninja Queen wasn't bad enough, now he tries to pass off this tale of hopping vampies, militant drug runners and a tin foil Robocop wanna-be on us! With two movies in one, you could say this is yet another of Tang's Spam� projects, but I actually like Spam�, so I'll spare Hormel the comment...
Rodan (1956) - Big man-eating bugs and a pair of hurricane whipping giant pteradon monsters disrupt a Japanese mining operation before setting their sights on the big prize of kaiju rampages: Tokyo! Yes, before he played second fiddle to the Big G, Rodan had his own movie and a mate to boot! When was the last time you heard of Godzilla or Mothra being in a committed relationship? Exactly.
Samson vs. the Vampire Women (1962) - The greatest hero in Mexican culture dons his silver mask, cape and wrestling tights to take down a cult of evil vampire women and their Chippendale� bloodsucker henchmen! Saturday afternoon matinee movie material for sure.
Scanners (1981) - From the dark wilds of Canada, David Cronenberg brings us another reason not to trust the government when a group of people with crazy head-exploding powers known as Scanners start up a clandestine war for survival and supremacy.
Super Ninjas (1982) - It's a tale of disco ninja revenge as caped kung-fu crusaders face evil elemental ninja warriors in a display of blood, magic and armed combat! It's even based on genuine Eastern weapons and martial arts textbooks... in case that means anything to you.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) - Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird created a monster when they unleashed a quartet of wise-cracking ninja mutant reptiles on popular culture. From the media frenzy came this New Line celluloid creation that had fans shouting "Cowabunga!"... and yes, I like to sing along to "T-U-R-T-L-E Power!" even to this day... shut up.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) - Tobe Hooper mixes visual horror with psychological terrorism to make one of the most memorable movies to ever land on the shelves of any video rental store's "Horror" section. Leatherface, the Hitchhiker and the Cook harass some stranded house guests and have them for dinner... literally.
3 Dev Adam (1973) - The Turkish film industry creates an international incident as they take US icons Captain America and Spider-Man and throw in Mexican wrestling superhero Santo to make one of the most confusing, badly made superhero movies this side of Meteor Man. Culture shock is in the cards...
Wild Zero (2000) - If J. Michael McCarthy turned Japanese like The Vapors, and was given a healthy budget and some graphic technology far superior to what's he used to, he'd make Wild Zero. Can Guitar Wolf and the spirit of lock 'n' loll, errr, rock 'n' roll put down an invasion of alien zombies? Maybe with the help of their biggest fan, a femme fatale arms dealer and a hermaphrodite they can!
Yonggary (1999) - Not ones to let the US and Japan corner the market on giant monster movies, Korea, inspired by Tristar's Godzilla, decided to ressurect one of it's old properties (Yongary: Monster of the Deep) for a millenium facelift. Understandable, but the odd part? They hired an American cast and shot the entire movie in English... That fact, along with the pathetic CGI work used on the monster(s) leaves me disgusted and gassy.
Zombie '90 (1991) - The worst thing to come out of Germany since Auschwitz circa World War II, plain and simple. Zombies born from the nuclear waste spilled by a downed military plane try to eat the German populace (or at least some ugly lesbians and a few Romero fans with PhDs), only to find badly done deaths at the business end of a jive talkin' physician's sidearm and chainsaw. Sounds good, right? Somehow, leave it up to the Germans to ruin the perfect formula...
