The rational thing to do would be to go after him.  But since when have I ever done the rational thing?  Instead, I walk into the apartment and see my grandmother standing there, looking triumphantly.  "I told him," she declares.

"Yeah, I noticed," I whisper.  I can't even work up the energy to be mad right now.  I'm too shocked.

She sees my distress and walks over to pull me into her arms.  "It'll be alright.  You can take care of Hallie by yourself now.  You're a good parent."

I push away from her.  "That's not the point, Nonna."

She puts her hands on her hips.  "What then?  Are you upset you lost a free babysitter?"

Her scorn breaks my shock, and now I'm pissed.  "I LOVED him!!!"

She just stands there.  "No.  No you didn't.  You may think you did, but you're just fooling yourself."

"No!  Don't tell me how I feel!  I love him, Nonna.  I love him the way you want me to love a wife.  I was making a family with him, and you RUINED it!"  The image of Michael and Hallie playing on the floor flashes through my mind, and all of a sudden, I get nauseous.  "Hallie loved him.  Where am I supposed to tell her Michael went?"

My grandma's expression grows stern.  "You are her father.  You are all she needs.  And you did not love him, because you aren't gay."

"He was her father too!  Maybe not by blood, but in every way that matters, and she needs him just as much as she needs me."  I swallow.  "And I'm gay.  I don't care anymore whether you like it or not, but I love him and I guess that means I'm gay."

I wait for her to scream, to yell, to hit me, to do something, but she just walks out.  I watch the door slam shut, then sit down on the couch, burying my head in my hands.  What am I gonna do?  How do I tell my little girl that one of the people who raised her is gone, and worse, is gone because of something I did?

And what about me?  I love him, I love him more than I love anything else besides Hallie.  How do I go on without him, knowing that I hurt him, that this whole mess is my fault?

Going into the bedroom is impossible.  No way can I see the bed that we made love in just a few hours ago.  I curl up on the couch, close my eyes, and try to pretend that when I wake up everything will be ok.

It doesn't work.

***

"Daddy?"

The quiet whisper wakes me up.  I open my eyes to see Hallie standing there.  It's still dark, and I look at the clock.  It's just a little past midnight.  "Hey princess, what's wrong?"

"I can't find my bear.  I left him in Michael's car."  She looks around.  "Where is he?  Why isn't he in bed with you?"

Oh God, I wanted some time to think about this first.  I'm not ready.  I sit up and lift Hallie so she sits on the couch next to me.  "Well....uhm...do you remember when you broke Jamie's doll and she didn't want to play with you for awhile?"  She nods.  "And you didn't really mean to break it, but she was still upset, right?  Well...I kinda broke something of Michael's, and now he's kinda mad at me."

He seems to ponder this for a moment, then her face brightens.  "But Jamie let me play with her again the next week.  So he's coming back, right?"

This is killing me.  "I don't know, Hallie.  I....I did something really bad."

She moves closer to me.  "But...you told me, no matter what I did, you'd always love me...so why doesn't Michael still love you?"  I try to answer her, but my throat seems to have closed.  Looking confused, Hallie stood up on the couch to touch my face.  "Daddy, are you crying?"

I take a deep breath.  I can't break down in front of her.  I have to be strong for her, because I'm all that she has right now.  "No.  I'm ok."

She wraps her thin arms around my neck.  "It's ok Daddy.  You can cry."

My determination shatters with her touch and the tears start coming faster. Hallie slides down to sit in my lap, transferring her arms to around my waist, and then the sobs start..  I hold her, probably too tight, but it just hurts so bad.  Because I know that he's not coming back, that I don't deserve him back.  Hallie leans her head into my chest, and I stroke her hair.  I feel so stupid getting comfort from a four-year-old, but I can't help it. I just need to not feel so damn alone.

Once I start to calm down, I bend down and kiss her head.  "You have to get back to bed, princess."

She looks up at me.  "Are you gonna go to bed too, Daddy?"

I yawn.  "Yeah, I think I am."

She tilts her head to the side.  "Do you want me to go with you?  So you don't have nightmares?"

I wonder who made her this wonderful.  I don't think it was me.  "Know what?  I'd like that."

I scoop her into my arms and walk to her room.  One look at her tiny bed proves that we won't both fit.  I gather my courage, and with Hallie's arms tight around my neck, I walk into the bedroom I shared with Michael.  I tuck her into one side of the bed and climb into the other.  She snuggles against me and falls asleep immediately. Sleep does not come so easily for me, this bed feels very big and for the first time in my life, I feel very small.  Hallie seems to be taking this remarkably well, but it can't last.  The only question is how fucked-up I'm going to be by the time it finally hits her.

When I wake up the next morning, there's no one in the bed next to me.  I drag myself out of bed and track down Hallie who is standing in the kitchen, already dressed and bouncing around.  "What're you so excited about?"  I ask sleepily.

She looks up at me.  "We're gonna get ice cream today!  You promised me!"

That's right, I did.  "It's too early to go for ice cream," I try to explain to her.

She puts her hands on her hips.  "It is not."

"It is so."  I open up the refrigerator, trying to find the milk.

She stands there, pouting.  "Is not."

"Is so."  I keep searching.

She pulls on my pant leg so that I'll lean down.  "Is not."

I stare back at her.  "Is so."

"Is not is not."

"Is so is so."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

She stamps her foot.  "That's not a reason!"

I grin and go back to hunting through the refrigerator.  "Sure it is."

I can almost hear her face scrunch up in anger.  "It's not a good reason."

Finally, I find the milk, only to see the date on it.  The stuff expired a week ago. Well, so much for that.  "You're right.  It isn't a good reason."

Her eyes widen hopefully.  "So can we go?"

"Sure.  Just give me a chance to get dressed, ok princess?"  She squeals with delight and hugs me before letting me go back to my room.

Ok, so I caved.  Nothing wrong with that.  She wants ice cream and I want to at least make someone happy, and besides, isn't ice cream the best non-alcoholic way to drown your sorrows?

I put on my clothes, load Hallie into the car, and head out to Dairy Queen.  Hallie gets her sundae, while I opt for a simple cone.  I lick the vanilla ice cream and watch as Hallie devours the concoction in front of her.  I don't understand how she can eat so much and still stay so thin....kind of like Michael can...

Oh no, that is definitely the wrong train of thought to be on.  I will not sit here and wallow in self-pity.  I'm going to do something useful, something to keep me from thinking.  I reflect back on the sour milk.  I'm gonna go grocery shopping.

I wait for Hallie to finish her sundae, and then we head to the grocery store.  When she sees the sign, Hallie's eyes narrow.  "Why are we going to the food store?"  she asks.

I smile.  "Because we need food."

She blinks.  "But doesn't Michael do the food shopping...oh yeah, I remember now."  She smiles up at me.  "Do you have the list?"

"What list?"  I wasn't aware there was a list required for grocery shopping.

She rolls her eyes.  "The LIST!  With the stuff you have to buy!"

Oh, that.  "Princess, I know what we need to buy.  I don't need a list."

She folds her arms.  "Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you."

So we get into the grocery store, and I pick Hallie up and place her into the child seat they have on the cart.  I stare out at the vast aisles of food.  Ok, maybe I do need a list.  As if sensing my confusion, Hallie says "Daddy, I can tell you what we need."

"Ok, how 'bout you do that?"  Yes, I'm taking my shopping advice from a four-year-old.  You got a problem with that?

We start down the fruit isle.  "We don't need anything here," Hallie informs me.   Next are the vegetables.  "None of these."  With each aisle we walk down, I get more and more confused.  There's so much.....STUFF, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be getting.  The more confused I get, the more I wish Michael were doing this, and the more I wish that, the more I miss him.

Two hours later, I find myself  in the checkout line.  And I have no idea what I've picked up off the shelves, I've been in my own world, following Hallie's orders.  I glance at the cart.  Cookies, ice cream, popsicles, candy... I glare at Hallie.  "Did you pick all of this out?"

She shakes her head.  "Nope.  You picked that out,"  She points behind her at a package of  Italian Ice cups.  I stare at it.  Me and Michael used to eat Italian Ice together....

But I have to unload the cart and get all this sugary stuff paid for, and I can't start thinking about him again, or I'm liable to break down in the middle of the store.  So I pay for my groceries and we head home.

Once we get back to the apartment, I scavenge through the cupboard and find that thankfully, we do have enough real food to at least make dinner tonight.  Satisfied that we won't starve, I sit down with Hallie to watch TV.  She turns on some kids show, and underwater cartoon thing, with a sponge and a crab and some starfish thing.  It's kinda cute...

Hallie points at some creature that looks like a squid.  "That one is Michael's favorite."

A slight pan of loss runs through me.  "Oh really?"

She nods.  "We used to watch this together every day"  She pauses.  "When is he coming back?"

You know, if one day of dealing with life without Michael is this hard, I don't know how I'm supposed to go on like this.  "Remember, we talked about this.   I don't know when.  Maybe not ever."

She glares at me.  "I TOLD you already. He is coming back, I just know it.  Besides, he has my bear."

I can't argue with her, hell, I'm doubting my ability to speak right now, so I just go back to the kitchen and try to think of something to cook for dinner that will take my mind off of all this.

The rest of the day proceeds much like this, until dinner is eaten, dishes are washed, and it's getting close to Hallie's bedtime.  We're both sitting on the couch, and she notices me looking at the clock.  Moving over so that she's sitting in my lap, she looks up at me.  "Daddy?"

I pull her closer.  "Yeah, princess?"

"Do you want me to stay with you again tonight?"

Part of me wants to turn it around, to ask her if she's sure it's not her who needs someone to stay with her, but I know that her pride runs as fierce as mine does, and the truth is, I'm not so sure I'm ready to be alone yet.  "Sure."

Hallie squeals with delight.  "Yay!  Daddy, can we have a camp-out?"

Now she's lost me.  "A what?"

She doesn't answer me, instead she runs to the closet and pulls out a sheet.  "Watch!"  She drapes the sheet over the table.  "It's a tent, and we can camp out under it!"

I have to admit, it's a creative idea.  "Ok, fine, but no campfires in the apartment, ok?"

Hallie giggles and starts trying to find blankets to lay on the ground.  I help her get everything laid out.  We both change for bed, and then slide under the blankets.  "Who taught you how to make tents like this?" I ask her, and immediately, I regret it.  I just know she's gonna tell me that it was Michael, that telling her about tents made out of sheets was just one of the contributions he made to her life that I could never hope to match.

Hallie yawns.  "I learned it in school."

Well, ok.  School.  School will still be there for her.  Maybe this isn't totally hopeless. I press a kiss to the top of Hallie's head.  "Love you, princess."

She snuggles up to me.  "Love you too, Daddy."