(Note: "nipote" meand "grandson" and "nonna" means "grandmother" in Italian)

After a moment, he pulls away.  "I...I'm sorry..." he stammers.

"It's ok."  Fuck, what am I saying?  It's NOT ok, he just kissed me and I KISEED BACK, this is just about as far from ok as it gets!  Dammit though, he just looks so sad...

He looks away.  "No, I shouldn't have done that.  I know you aren't...how I am, no matter how much I want to pretend you are."

I could learn to be.  Oh FUCK, will whoever let that little voice into my head please kill it?  That's the last thing I need.  "Look, I'm gonna go back to my room, ok?  You really do need to get some sleep, you've had a long day and it's fucking with your head."

He nods.  "I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to do that..."

I hold up my hand to silence him.  "Just forget about it."  And with that, I leave his room, and lay back down in my own bed, and I'm not sure about him, but I can't fall asleep for the life of me.  I spend the time thinking, pondering.  So, he kissed me.  I let him.  I let him kiss me to repay him for his help.  That's the way I was raised, if someone does good for you, you have to do good for them.  He helped me when I needed it, when Hallie was sick and I was clueless, and now that he needs me...

Now that he needs me, I'm sitting here counting sheep.  I am such a prick.  I get out of bed and walk down the hallway to his door.  "Michael?" I call softly.

A whisper, slightly broken by hitching breaths.  "Yeah, Pete?"

"Mind if I come in?"  I push open the door and see him rubbing his eyes.  "Did you have another nightmare?"

He shakes his head.  "No.  Just reflecting on my incredible ability to screw anything and everything up."

I sit down on the edge of the bed.  "Don't get mad at yourself, ok?  I'm not mad at you.  Let's just put it behind us."

He looks at me in angry confusion.  "How can you *not* be mad?  I took advantage of you!  I fucked up.  Admit it."

I rub my eyes.  "Everyone fucks up.  It's a fact of life.  Be happy you didn't fuck up in a way that messes up the rest of your life."

He rolls his eyes.  "Easy for you to say.  You never make stupid mistakes."

"What planet are you living on?"  I'm starting to get pissed.  "Do you think I planned on living my life this way?  I didn't want to be raising a kid just out of high school, I didn't want to be a teen dad, but I made a stupid mistake and got drunk and screwed some girl, and now I have Hallie.  The only difference is that I'm getting on with my life and you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself."

Now Michael's crying.  "I'm s-sorry," he stutters.  "I told you I screwed up everything.  Now you're really mad at me..."

Dammit.  Everything I say is just making him more upset.  He lets out a sob, and I realize I have to do something, I have to make him stop crying.

So, I kiss him.

This kiss lasts much longer than the previous one.  He works his tongue into my mouth and I react automatically and tangle my fingers in his hair.  Somewhere in the very back of my mind, I remember kissing Jen like that before we had sex the night we conceived Hallie, and I decide that this is definitely more intense.  But, we all have to breathe sometime, so we break apart, both of us slightly panting.  Michael looks at me, his eyes shining with  wonder.  "Why...why did you do that?"

For a moment, I'm caught.  Why did I kiss him?  What part of my brain decided that was the way to fix the problem?  "Because I wanted to."  A lie, but it works.

He grins.  "Really?"  I nod, not knowing what else to do.  He wraps his arms back around me.  "If I told you I wanted you to stay here tonight, would you do it?"

I swallow.  Oh God, what have I gotten myself into.  "Sure.  Yeah I can do that..."

***

I wake up with the feeling that something is very wrong.  Shifting slightly, I figure it out.   Michael is curled there next to me, pressed to my side.  The past night comes back in a horrific rush.  What was I doing?  This is so fucked up here. This is beyond fucked up.  This is fucked up to a degree they don't even have profanity for yet.

And yet, I'm not pulling away from him.  I'm staying close...

"Peter?  Peter, nipote, where are you?"

And just when I didn't think it could get worse.  The heavily accented voice outside the door belongs to my grandma, and she knows I'm not in my bedroom.  I glance at the clock.  Seven A.M.  Who visits at seven in the morning???

Obviously, my grandma.  Well, if I wait any longer, she's going to barge in here and see me in all my in-bed-with-another-man glory, so the best idea would be for me to go out there and find her before that happens.

I quietly open the door and step out o the room.  "Nonna?  Why are you in my apartment?"

She spins to face me, throwing her arms around me.  "Since when do I need a reason to visit my nipote?"  She draws back, eyeing me critically.  "The question remains, why do you some slinking out of your room mate's bedroom so early in the morning?"  I open my mouth to come up with an excuse, but she cuts me off.  "Tell me.  You moved some...some whore in here, didn't you?  A friend, my ass.  You didn't move in one of your friends, you moved in a whore.  Go on, tell your nonna."

I shake my head.  "No.  That is not what happened, and if you'd let me talk," at that she rolls her eyes dramatically, "I will explain to you what exactly is going on."

She lets go of me and allows me to lead her to the couch.  "So explain."

 I try to think of some lie, some way of making her let this go, but I can't.  I can't lie to her.  I never could.  "Nonna, you know that I don't always know how to take care of Hallie?"  She nods.  "Well, I met this guy, and we became friends, and it turns out he's like, awesome with kids and stuff.  So he needed a place to stay, so I let him move in."

My grandma glares at me.  "That does not explain why you were in his room."

I sigh.  "I'm getting there, ok?  So...Nonna, you've got to understand, he's done so much for me and for Hallie, and, well, it turns out he's gay and he was upset last night,  and I figured, you know, he was there for me and Hallie and so I had to be there for him..."

She moves closer to me, putting her arm around me.  "Did you...did you have sex with him, nipote?"

I shake my head.  "We just shared a bed."

She looks at me.  "Peter, are you gay?"

"No, Nonna."  At least, I don't think I am.

"Then, do what you need to do to make yourself feel out of your debt to him, but do not give him your life.  Your baby needs a mother, and you need a wife to give you more babies."

Easier said than done.  But I hug her and make small talk until she finally leaves, and then I close my eyes.  And then, I feel something warm wrap itself around me, and on instinct, I lean into it, taking comfort from it, until I open my eyes and see Michael.  I automatically stiffen, and his forehead creases as he frowns.  "What's the matter?"

I go back to closing my eyes and will my body to relax.  "Nothing.  I'm ok, I'm just stressed.  My grandma tends to do that to me."

He kisses me, and this time, it doesn't feel so odd.  This whole situation is rapidly sliding out of my control.  "Want me to make it better?"  he whispers in my ear.

Oh God, I know that tone of voice.  I know exactly how he wants to make it better for me and I don't know how to say no without telling him why I'm doing this in the first place.  I try to stall.  "How do you plan to do that?"

He smiles, and runs his hands up under my t-shirt, over my chest.  "I think you know."

I allow him to pull my shirt over my head.  How did he learn this?  How did he get so smooth at age 18?  I just lay there passively as he presses kisses to my chest.  Eventually, I manage to work up the nerve to pull off his shirt, run my hands along his back.  He lets out a soft sigh, and then his hands are at the waistband of the boxers I slept in, and I know somewhere deep inside that there's no going back now.

And then, as if something decided to save me, I hear Hallie sob.  Michael breaks away from me, and we stare at each other for a moment.  "I have to take care of her," I murmur, and I slide out from underneath him.  I walk quickly to Hallie's crib in the corner of my room and pick her up out of it.  "Shh, I know, baby," I whisper to her.  I sit down on my bed, cradling her, rocking back and forth.  Slowly, she stops crying, but I keep holding her, keep rocking, and I'm not sure which one of us I'm trying to comfort anymore.

And that time, I escape, but the next night would not be so easy, and I would find myself underneath him, feeling him inside of me, and I had to tell myself over and over that I was doing this for Hallie, that doing this would keep Michael here so Hallie could be raised the right way, so she wouldn't end up in a situation as utterly fucked as this one...