| 12/11/2002 "Cats have a secret repressed hatred towards human beings capable of completely understanding and operating the amazingly practical functions and uses of the toilet." Ok, ok, ok...I know you might think this is a pretty stupid theory, but think of it this way. Put yourself in a cat's shoes...um...paws. Ok...So you're a cat, and you suddenly feel the uncontrollable desire to squeeze large offensive-smelling feekle matter out of your lowest oriface... You got into the garbage can earlier, and drug out some chicken bones and ate the leftover meat that was on it. You ate the butter off of a half-eaten roll, lapped the creamer out of a used coffee creamer cup that was left on the table, and when a stupid human child wasn't looking, you dipped your paw in her milk, and lapped it off of your paw. You did this repeatedly, until half of the glass was empty. So it must have been the dairy products. You really have to go. You slink near to the ground, as not to be seen, and head towards the nearest bodily waste depository mechanism that you know of...a small cramped box with sand in it. You round the corner and see the small kitty door the "big one" had installed for you earlier that year...you turn your head in horror to see the stupid human child stumbling at you. She grabs you and lifts you up, squeezing at your sides. You can feel the poop coming as she squeezes you harder. You, knowing that if you do you will end up outside in the cold, struggle to hold it in. She finally lets go. You dive towards the door and push yourself through it, and your sides are squeezed for just a second more before you find yourself dashing down the stairs, around the corner, and through the laundry room door. It stands before you. It reeks of the last time you pooped in it, and the smelly child that is responsible for cleansing your box hasn't done his job yet this week. You hold your nose and go in to do your business. It isn't pleasant. Later that day, you hear a large flushing noise and rush down the hallway just in the nick of time to see the big lady one stand up and wipe her lowest oriface with some soft paper. She tosses it into the toilet, turns a handle, then skips away whistling. You have to poop again, so you decide to try it yourself. You leap to the seat, and slink around it in circles, with your entire head peering into the clear rippling water as you do so. You did your paw in. You drink some. You just can't bring yourself to crap in it. You can't believe that humans drop their feekle matter into something so beautiful. You rebel. Here's what happens when cats rebel against toilet users. They hit us where it hurts, and destroy our quilted soft toilet paper. Without toilet paper, a human in completely left powerless, and oftentimes left stranded in the bathroom... |
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| A Cat |
| A LitterBox |
| A Toilet |
| Pure Hatred Happening |
| A Toilet |
| This toilet paper has been brutally savaged by the feline pictured above and is professionally diagnosed as a now completely unusable resource in the human toilet-using process... |