First of all, I honestly thought there couldn't be anything worse than Flight 001 from Houston to Honolulu... until I stayed on for the second leg of the trip. Seven _more_ hours to Guam. A small dot on the ocean blue ~600 miles south of Japan awaited my fate. Actually, I was a little ticked that Guam was north of the equator. Stupid Guam. One of these days I'll go to the opposite side and watch the toilet flush the other way (meaning spin clockwise.. not out of the bowl.. gross).

It's hard to describe the island of Guam.. so I'll try in 50 words or more. To quote Derek.. Guam is like "America with Japanese subtitles". Very true. Those squiggles actually _mean_ something? I've been getting my language training from the Pachinko place next door. So far I'm able to identify 5 characters, now only 25,995 more to go! Oh.. Pachinko is like that game "Plinko" on The Price is Right. (riiight, thanks Jeff)

I haven't been hiking yet, and it's not looking like I will. Somebody told me that there are actually things to do outside of the hotel.. wow, I couldn't imagine.

** Maybe Today, Maybe Chamorro **

The natives (if you can call them that) are called Chamorros. So much for my Guamine theory. They're definitely a great group (I make it sound like there's only six of them total). Our chief Chamorro is 'Sammy'. He's a big dark skinned guy that wears Daisy Dukes and work boots (sometimes a shirt). Yum, that's what I wanted to see at 8am. Actually, he's damn cool. That guy's been to more places on this planet than I have. After our conversation the other day I'll never be able to imagine this guy skydiving. *shudder*

** One Snake, Two Snake, Red Mouse, Dead Mouse **

It's good to know that the Family (Order?) Squamata is alive and well on Guam. It seems some idiot dragged the infamous 'Brown Snake' from Indonesia to this place. To control the population of the little poisonous wrascal and prevent them from leaving the island, the gov't has surrounded the airports with snake traps. It seems innocent until you look into one of the traps. Aparently these traps are the final destination of many a mouse (aka BAIT). I can't help but think that this is what happens when good mice go bad. Do not pass Go, go directly to Mouse Jail. Wait till PETA finds out about the Mice Penetentary.

** Red Light Means GO **

Driving is another issue, and we all know how much I hate crappy drivers (granted, I'm no jewel). I've noticed that locals have the same attitude about turn-signals as they do in Miami, and Houston for that matter... that attitude being, "Huh?". Grrr. Bang, ZOOM, to da Moon, Alice!

** Retention of Sanity **

At least the radio stations here are good. Seibers and I have been on a lifelong quest for the best radio staions. We've searched for the station that plays, and I quote, "Only Good Music" (ok, I double quoted.. so shoot me). Anyway, 105.1 KROC is the best station I've _ever_ heard. I just hope they've got a webcast I can hook into.. The problem with this perfect station is the reality that Good and Evil are always in balance (Sorry, I've gotten in touch with my Chi since I've been away). So wouldn't that mean there is a station that plays all BAD music?? The doppleganger of the airways, if you will. It must play only Polka, Tejano.. and ZYDECO, AHHHH!!!! "It's Torture Tuesday, folks! Get ready for 18 hours of the Best of People Scraping Their Fingernails Down a Chalkboard!! Screeeeeeeeeech.."

** The Shoals Effect **

The laser doesn't work. SUPRISE (Happy Birthday To You)!! Nothing like sending the REALLY DELICATE electronic survey equipment around the world with no tech support. You wouldn't believe the number of people getting free trips to Guam out of this.. Just kidding!! They're not free, YOU AND I are footing the bill!! Tax dollars well spent. Think about that when you file your 1040 this year. Heck I'll refer all of you as Lidar Specialists and we'll have a Guamine Fiesta when you get here. That reminds me.. there are no stray animals here.. anyone for Thai food?? *BURP-MEOW*

The best part of this trip is the day I went up in the Twin Otter for a survey. I got to sit up in the cockpit with Captain Ken when Rob got bored. After 10 minutes, Ken told me to take the controls because he was violently ill and Rob had fallen out the pod door. So I.. am not telling the truth. He actually let me fly around in circles and along the coastline while the system was acting up (ya don't say??). It was a blast, but I was nervous as hell knowing that if I crashed (and lived) there would be a couple of multi-million dollar lawsuits on my butt.

** The Comforts of Home **

Yes there's a McDonalds here.. and a Gameworks, Planet Hollywood, Hard Rock Cafe. Any gas station you'd like ($1.89/gal). And Guam boasts the world's largest K-Mart. Do you really want to *brag* about the White Trash factor of your paradise?

Well, that's MORE than enough for now. Take care of yourselves and each other (sorry I was in K-mart and Springer was shooting live). My return to the land of the free and home of the brave approaches Wednesday, and I don't think I'll be sad to see this place on the horizon as I cross the international date line. Thanks for reading.

Always,
Jeff, The Heffe