Subject: Hey Mon!!

To All,

Alright gang, before you pick up the rotten fruit and ring-tailed lemurs to start throwing at me because I've been out of touch.. here's the deal. I'm a bad bad person. Yep, SHAME ON ME. I don't deserve to live. But you know what, as horrible a person I am.. I'm in the Bahamas and you're not!! Nah Nah!! Yeah, poor little Heffe is in the Bahamas again. And YES it's for work. And YES I'm working at least 10 hours a day.. EVERY day. And YES I'm STILL drinking heavily.. wait you didn't need to know that. Just like you didn't need to know that March is the official month for Spring Break this year in Freeport. And you REALLY don't need to know about the young girls running around in their bikinis all day long (oh yeah, and there are good lookin guys - for you ladies, et al). But I had to drop a line and let you know that I've been thinking about you.

So what's it like in the Bahamas? Well, life is much slower here. It's MUCH different here than on Andros Is. I'd say the official song of 'the Islands' is "Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number", it's a nice Reggae-esque tune, however, it sounds EXACTLY like EVERY OTHER SONG PLAYED BY EVERY BAND I'VE HEARD HERE. I think when you join a band here, along with instruments, they give you the all same sheet music that's much like "Mad Libs". ("Humm.. 'When you go down to'.. Hey mon, giv me a nam of an eyeland.. no mon, I aulready used Bimini!!") I think I should release one of those "not sold in stores" CDs featuring Bub Marlee and the Wheelers singin "Sweet Sweet Nookie" and such classics as "Jack Off the World!" curiously sung to the tune of the Spicegirls "Spice Up Your Life". And we wonder why they're not sold in stores. I think I'll swap their ganja with some crack and see if I can get some happenin' Ska tunes out of them! Look out Less Than Jake!

Speaking of crack.. I've had the following offered to me: Weed, Ganja, Blow, Snow, Nose Candy.. And that was by Customs!! I'm making a list, so let me know what you need! Souvineers everyone can enjoy.. even your pets! Along with being offered things, I've decided to take up hair braiding. Look out kids.. when I get back, you too can look like a complete moron with every strand of hair on your head so tightly braided that only a good shave will get them out.

Just a reminder, if you plan on visiting Freeport.. don't expect to rent a car if you're under 25. Granted in the States there's the 25yr-old rule, but 10 bucks will get past that. Here.. NO WAY JOSE. Then again, who the hell in their right mind would want to drive here? These psychos drive on the wrong side of the road!!! It's the darn British that messed this place up I tell ya'. I think that's why their money is so funky lookin too. If you want, I'll bring some back and we can play a hot game of Monopoly. I'm thinkin SRTIP Monopoly! ("Aww, you landed on my Boardwalk with a hotel.. Give up the bra and underwear, baby!")

Ok.. I think I've blabed on enough to weed out the people that think I'm just a big yahoo and had more important "FWD: [FWD: So Funny I Peed Myself!]" jokes to read.. Apparently I'm supposed to return "sometime soon" which, if any of you remember the Great Hawaii Fiasco of '99, means.. "sometime before I start collecting Social Security". I plan on taking two days off revolving around a weekend giving me a whole lotta time to do jack sh*t. Anybondy have any suggestions? I've already got some plans in mind, but if your plan involves hot wicked orgys and free booze, you might just get a visitor! I know I sent this to a bunch of people but email is such a pain in the rear here that I figured I get you all in one swoop.

Regards,
Heffe

PS.. could someone PLEASE send me sheet music for a Jimmy Buffett song OTHER than "Margaritaville" I BEG YOU.

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