I found this the other day when cleaning up my laptop. I wrote this in the Pribs,
but my laptop died on me there one morning so I never got to send it. Some of it
is humorous and reminds me of the good times I had out there. Enjoy!

Ahem.. 25 May 2002

** Ode To Alaska **

Welcome to the winter of my discontent.
The horrors I've seen, the money I've spent.
Cold is the wind that blows.
Will I go home? Who knows???

Northern Frights

Alaska is commonly know as the last great "American Frontier". Isn't that what they called Nebraska once?? So here I am, 200 miles from the Arctic Circle, in the middle of the Bering Sea, on an island called St Paul, north of St George, anyone seen John and Ringo?? Plan on visiting the Pribilof Islands? Some advice from a person who's been... Think loooong and HARD before punishing yourself like that.

Paradise City, and the Blue People Mambo

The "village" of St Paul has 750 residents (the Grey People). No hotel, no dining establishments, NO BAR. This place doesn't cater to visitors (Blue People). Ok, Ok, Don't get me wrong, the locals we've met are quite nice and very helpful. And there is actually a bar.. open 100 days a year. And there is a grocery store, but the prices are OUTRAGEOUS! When was the last time you spent 6 bucks on a bag of chips? or 10 bucks on a six pack?? Then again, gas is $2.56 a gallon, so at least I've decided to stop complaining about the prices at home..

Now if that isn't enough to freak you out.. try this on. The other day it was 40 degrees (about 4 Celcius for my metric friends) and I saw locals wearing SHORTS. Two words: ON CRACK. Then there's the FOG. The movie "The Fog" ain't got anything on this island. There's so much fog here, there's different kinds of fog.. thick, light, CSC (can't see crap), and SIYLS (screw it you're lost sucker). Why Grey People? Because it's hard to see them through the fog. Why blue? Because it's really cold, and we'd rather be in the Bahamas.

MARBie Haven

So I've figured out where Marine Biologists go for fun. The Pribilof's just happen to have one of the largest seal rookeries (Aleutian for "place where seals 'get it on'") in all of Alaska. Those suckers are big, loud, and ALL ABOUT having a harem. Kinda like kinda like most human males. Seals are a lot like people.. they're sinners. We met a couple Marbies here. One was covered in BLOOD and asking for a "big trash bag". Good Lord. I waited for the other to come in and ask for cement and 'trunk space'.

SHOAL-VIVOR

Those "Survivor" pansies have never been to a crappy place like this. All the bimbos couldn't live without their bikinis, and the muscle-heads couldn't go one round with a 600 pound seal! Plus it would be the first season that they would secretly plan to vote people ON the island.

Chef Jeff

With no resturants to eat at, I have to cook. Crap, it's like I'm single again. The first week was tuna fish and Hot Pockets (no, not at the same time! eewww). Second week was "Hamburger Goulash" as our pilots called it. BUT NOW, I'm learning to use the DEEP FAAAT fryer, convection oven, and other "kitchen goodies". When I'm rich and famous, this will be my kitchen. Oh yes, it will.

Thanks for the warm ear. Wish me luck, I've still got two weeks left and the voices in my head are becoming persistant. All I need is to finish reading 'Catcher In The Rye' and I'll be psychopath material. (Thanks Phil)

All work and no play makes Heffe, something something..
All work and no play makes Heffe, something something..
All work and no play makes Heffe..
Go crazy??
DON'T MIND IF I DO!!

Always,
Gran Heffe of the Blue Peeps

"I still believe in paradise,
But now I know it's not some
place you can look for.."

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