Things I Don't Understand...  November 16th, 2003 . Hach In this life you begin to learn things. Some things you understand, while other things you just don't understand. Like why do they sell six packs, twelve packs, eighteen packs, twenty-four packs and thirty packs but they don't sell thirty-six packs. But seeing this is Analyze Porn 101, this amounts to something else. It amounts to pornographical pictures being analyzed for the benefit of my own. So seeing there are a few pictures I don't understand why or what's going on, so just look out! So where do we start here? Um, I was thinking how about start out with a shocker, a big question I have for the female kind, seeing this is the column of "Things I Don't Understand" Is this really supposed to hide you from behind found out by your parents? Come on, putting your foot over your face doesn't do anything to hide ur idenity! Hell, your parents, especially your mother in this case, will defiently know that pussy! In all of my years as a human being, and well, a male, I've never ever been turned on by someone covering my eyes. Especially in a picture featuring two females. It's not just happening for me. And isn't this kind of demeaning? Really, I mean it, you can see this girls ugly ass nose. Wait, they both don't have cute noses according to this picture. And we can see the black bra'd girl didn't do that great of a job shaving. And hey, think this last comment over, if the black bra'd girl is a little stupid, she might think she's covering her own eyes. Hell, they are wearing the same finger nail polish. Now we got two girls here, both on a tennis court, well, I guess it's a tennis court, we do have a green ground and one of those nets that they use in tennis. And well, there is a tennis racket along with a tennis ball. But that's not the thing I don't understand. First, what's the deal with the little towel on the ground? It obviously can't keep them from both scraping their knees, unless neither of them are into it at all. Which well, doesn't make it happen for me either. So keeping with this belief, look at the talent the one girl has, I'm talking about the one licking, or well, atleast attempting to lick. She's A) not licking and B) not touching the breast. The only thing she is doing and which I mean doing is actually touching the other girl is she's got her hand around her back. And why is the one girl got her skirt thingy all the way to her knees when the one girl isn't even paying attention to her twat. Well, the only exception is if it's a full body dress thingy, which would probably be more of a turn on then this picture currently is. Alright, I could probably do this as a Analyze Porn 101 feature but I didn't, 'cause well, I didn't. So I have a few questions. First what's with the faciurl features? Did she see a reall dick or something? Or is she just watching Oprah, and Oprah came out wearing nothing but a thong. Well, if that was the case I wouldn't have that look, my lips would have been a little more open and hopefully my head would be in a bucket, hey, you don't want to puke on yourself. And whats with the gold plated dildo? Is that metal, it obviously looks like it. That shit must be cold! I know its pretty much a fact that when men touch something cold or in the cold. Think cold shower. Well, any how, men in cold don't really well, they have no chance of making it happening. Most of the time atleast. So my question to the females reading this is if that dildo is cold, would you put a cold peice of metal up your vagina? Add this point to, if it's gold plated and metal, wouldn't after a while it get old and start chipping away? Hmm... interesting point huh? Maybe that's why she's got that faciual feature. But I'm still going with the Oprah theroy however sick it is, it's my best guess. Okay, I know I could of made this a Analyze Porn 101 feature, but I didn't. So with that said, let's throw some things out there. We got two girls here, small titted ones, which well, those size breasts don't get you anywhere in life, unless u give good head or you enjoy being donkey punched. Hell, look at the red headed girl, her's are sagging like she's aged, and we all know the only thing good that's aged is scotch, so just stop. Then look at what they're wearing or lack of wearing. But the only things they have on is panties and... and SOCKS!! What the fuck is this? Why the hell are they wearing socks and nothing else (minus the panties)? It's obvious they didn't rip off each others clothes, well, because they're both posing for the picture. And well, hardly touching each other. But the blondish girl is attempting something, she has begun to pull down the other girls panties. Yet, and this is a major turn off in lesbian pornography, the red head is scared. Look at her left arm, who the fuck does that!? It's like she's affraid and surfing at the same time, this is just a pointless picture. Hell, look at their faces! The red head again fails me. As she suddenly turns into an alien with either shock of a lesbian experience or just maybe her face is actually like that, which well, who would want to be with a girl like that? So what do we have her.... We have four girls.... Three blondes and a brunette.... Four naked girls... Four small titited girls.... Except for the girl closes to the camera, she's fucking wearing SOCKS!!! Ugh... I wonder if all these girls are wearing socks. That'd just about make me stop looking at this picture and well, actually, I'd print it out and shit on it. That's just a fucking shame. I should start a promoition teaching people how to take off their socks. *Note in other pictures of this foursome they are all noteablly wearing socks* So we got four girls here... And each one of them is sucking on a finger of their own. And it seems mostly to be the middle finger. Which I guess says I suck at fucking you. While they're other arm is 50% on their leg and 25% not even in the picture, which begs to ask: Are you missing a arm? And leading to the follow up question: Are you a pirate? But to answer the subject of today's little article, is sucking on ur finger and wearing socks supposed to turn on men? Oh, come on! And for my own tabs on life... I would have sex with the brunette and catch head from the blonde sitting to the right of the brunette. The other two girls would have to do something very nice to me, like come on to me. As this concludes the first ever edition of Things I Don't Understand... Well there be a sequel to this? Where there be more Things I Don't Understand? Well, we are talking about women here. So it's a given.