THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN FOOTBALL
IN THE NORTH AND SOUTH

STADIUM SIZE
    Up North:  College football stadiums hold 20,000.
    Down South:  High School football stadiums hold 20,000.

WOMEN'S ATTIRE
    Up North:  Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
    Down South:  Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara
       (water-proof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon.  Wallet not necessary, that's
       what dates are for.

FATHERS
    Up North:  Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
    Down South:  Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE
    Up North:  Male and female alike: wooly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
    Down South:
        Male - pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with fraternity logo, ropers.
        Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

ALUMNI
    Up North:  Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
    Down South:  Take prospects on fishing trips so they don't leave for the NFL
       their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
    Up North:  Statues of founding fathers.
    Down South:  Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
    Up North:  Also a Physics Major.
    Down South:  Also a Miss USA.

HEROES
    Up North:  Hillary Clinton.
    Down South:  "Bear" Bryant.

GETTING TICKETS
    Up North:  5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and
       still purchase tickets.
    Down South:  5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
       and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

 THURSDAY NIGHT GAMES
    Up North:  Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have
       class on Friday.
    Down South:  Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the
       few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING
    Up North:  An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game
       parking.
    Down South:  RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the
       weekend festivities.  The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
    Up North:  A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
    Down South:  Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over
       to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day "live" to get on camera and wave
       to the idiots up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from
       their campus.

TAILGATING
    Up North:  Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station
       with truck tailgate down.
    Down South:  30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
       accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and The Blowfish", who come
       over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
    Up North:  You ask "Where's the stadium?"  When you find it, you walk right in
       with no line.
    Down South: When you’re near it, you'll hear it.  On game day, it becomes
       the state's third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
    Up North:  Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
    Down South:  Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot.  Filled
       less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
    Up North:  Stands are less than half full.
    Down South:  100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
    Up North:  Nothing Changes!
    Down South:  Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
    Up North:  "Nice Play."
    Down South:  "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
    Up North:  "Omigod, what a violent sport."
    Down South:  "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

ANNOUNCERS
    Up North:  Paid.
    Down South:  Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
       tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

AFTER THE GAME
    Up North:  The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
    Down South:  Another rack of ribs on the smoker.  While somebody goes to
       the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next year's
       party.

BACK TO MAIN MENU