Entry for September 05, 2006
I'm so sick of people reciting bible verses and halmark cards to try and make my family feel better. Yesterday, one of my grandma's friends told us that my grandma is in heaven now so that she no longer has to go through all the pain and suffering in the world. I know that my grandma was happy, and she wasn't living in any pain. However, I also know that she would have suffered through unimaginable pain to see all of the things she will no longer be here for. I know she would have given anything to be able to see her grand children graduate from school, get married, there are so many things she wanted to be a part of. I have also heard the one where people tell you that God wanted her there with him. Well, that sounds a little selfish for what is supposed to represent everything good. She was such a key person in so many lives. She held my family together, and all of our traditions revolve around her. She was a mother, a grand mother, a wife, a sister, and she was a good friend to so many people, and we will all be lost in our own ways without her. It just doesn't make any sense. And yet here I am, planning on going to a church service to hear about her life from a priest's point of view. When I was a little kid and I went to bible camp, I remember they told us that God put bad people on earth and let good people die to make earth seem like a bad place so we will want to go to heaven. So what, some big guy up there decided to take my grandma so we wouldn't say bad words? All of these ideas seem like a big load of crap. It just doesn't make any sense, and it's hard to believe that something so tragic happened without being able to find any reason. I just can't imagine such a wonderful person being alive and happy and then just... gone. Even though I've never really believed that we all go to some place when we die where everyone wears white and walks on clouds all day, I would like to be able to believe that there is some sort of heaven, and that's where my grandma is. Even though I don't really believe in a religion, I would like to believe that there is something more for her. Everything just contradicts everything else in my head right now. I appreciate all the efforts to make me feel better, but rattling off a bunch of verses is not going to help me. I'm not suddenly going to go "Oh yeah, Revelations 4:15, now it all makes sense and I don't have to be sad anymore" My grandma and I used to talk about things like that all the time. I really miss her.
