TOP TEN (14,40...whatever) LISTS

 

The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Boy Say:

 

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a @#$% who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

5. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You All.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

 

And, Number ONE is:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight

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Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle...

 

10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle ...

1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than the Navy!

10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes the Navy, except for virgins and

only because they haven't had sex yet.

9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs,etc... Navy just sucks.

8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. With the Navy you feel like

smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.

7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.

6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas the Navy drives people to drink.

5. Sex relieves stress. The Navy is the cause of stress.

4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

2. Sex is easier. There's no chain of command, only one "Captain Winky."

And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than the Navy is:

At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. In the

Navy, you get screwed regardless!

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Top 14 Signs an Athlete is Using a Banned Substance:

1. Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.

2. Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.

3. Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.

4. Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.

5. Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable  seconds in the 100-meter freestyle.

6. His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."

7. Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.

8. Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.

9. Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.

10. Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.

11. According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.

12. Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."

13. Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."

14. Forget Nike and Reebok - he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.

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Top 16 Rejected Titles for Horror Movies

16. The Thingie

15. Canterbury Tales from the Crypt

14. The Sixth Grade

13. John Carpenter's "Cafeteria Lady"

12. The Texas Chainsaw Governor

11. Gorezilla

10. I'm Not Absolutely Positive What You Did Last Summer, But I've Got a Pretty Good Idea, and When You're Father    Comes Home We're All Going to Have a Little Talk

9. Friday the 15th: Rent's Still Due

8. Beheadin'-Shoulders: The Hair Itch Project

7. Babe: Pig on a Grill

6. Dial Y for Yanni

5. The Snuggling

. Nightmare on Helms Street XI: Jesse's Revenge

3. The Bride of BenStein

. You're the Anti-Christ, Charlie Brown!

1. We Know How You Voted in November

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Top 14 Signs Your Company Is Planning a Layoff

14. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."

13. Dr.  Kevorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."

12. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

11. Company softball team down-sized to chess team.

10. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.

9. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."

8. Company president now driving a Hyundai.

7. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to an abandoned Fotomat booth.

6. Old Milwaukee is the drink of choice at company picnics.

5. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you  pass by.

4. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

3. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.

2. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.

1. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs Can't Use Computers

1. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE  are out of the question.

3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.cute-poodles.com instead of working.

6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

7. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've Got Mail".

8. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

9. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

10. He can't stick his head out of Windows 2000.

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Top 10 Good Reasons for a Blow Job to Try On The Wife

1. "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those

  Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."

2. "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon  and steamed clams?"

3. "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."

4. "So, twenty bucks then?"

5. "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel - it's mistletoe!"

6. "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."

7. "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."

8. "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"

9. "Look, do you want that raise or not?"

10. "The Taliban has outlawed it - it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"

 

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Top 5 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Boyfriend:

1. He always scratches his crotch and says, "Damn! When is this gonna clear up?"

2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.

3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the BBQ grill.

4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.

5. He refers to your little brother as a "real cutie."

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And while we're at it, here's...Top 5 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend

1. She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.

2. She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.

3. Her lucky numbers are your pin number.

4. Your friends know her by her porn name.

5. She just can't stand the taste of "it."

 

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