sex SEX sex

SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX

Quotes of the Famous

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. --Garry Shandling

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --Sharon Stone

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. -- Gloria Leonard

Sex is a body-contact sport. It is safe to watch but more fun to play. --Thomas Szasz, M.D.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. --Swami X

Sex is hardly ever just about sex. --Shirley MacLaine

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. --Rod Stewart

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation - the other eight are unimportant. --Henry Miller

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SEX TALK

I was doing the yardwork after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized i couldn't find the rake.

I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldnt hear me and she shouted back "What?"

I pointed to my eye and then to my knee and made a raking motion. When my wife wasn't sure and said "What?" I repeated the gestures." EYE, KNEE, RAKE"

My wife replies she understands and signals back. First she points to her eye, next to her left breast, then she points to her butt and finally to her crotch.

Well there was no way in hell I could come close to that one. Exasperated I went upstairs and asked her, "What in the hell was that ?"

She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT- BEHIND - THE BUSH"

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S&M

A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell and soon found out about each other. The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me. Please cause me pain!"

The sadist looked at him and said, "No!"

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Good, Bad & Ugly

Good: Master is horny and he takes you right there on the kitchen table.

Bad: He breaks a few dishes by sweeping them out of the way.

Ugly: Your parents weren't done eating yet.

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Junior

One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage, domination, S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

 

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

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Making New Friends

An American soldier, on the train from London to Liverpool, shared a compartment with two English brothers, one of whom was hard of hearing. They struck up a conversation, and one brother said, "I say, Yank, where are you going?"

"Liverpool," said the American.

"What did he say?" asked the hard of hearing brother.

"He said he's going to Liverpool... Tell me, Yank, what brings you all the way to Liverpool?"

"I have a girlfriend up there."

"What did he say?" asked the hard of hearing brother again.

"He said he has a girlfriend there... She must be quite a girl if you'll travel all the way there just to see her."

"I'll say she is!" said the American. "She wears black boots with spurs, carries a whip, and indulges in every delight known to man."

"What did he say?" asked the brother was was hard of hearing...

"He said he knows Mother."

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NUNSEX

Three nuns were killed in a tragic traffic accident and went to heaven. Saint Peter stood waiting for them at the gate. He explained to the nuns that he must ask each a question so that they may prove their worthiness before entering.

Approaching the first one, St. Peter asked, "Who was the first man on earth?" Without hesitation, the nun replied, "Oh, that is easy. That was Adam." Angels started singing, the pearly gates swung open and she was allowed to enter.

Moving to the second one, St. Peter asked, "Who was the first woman on earth?" Also, without hesitation, she replied, "Oh, that was Eve." Angels started singing, the pearly gates swung open and she, too, was allowed to enter.

St. Peter approached the third and asked, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

The nun began to frantically think, talking to herself she said, "Darn, that's a hard one."

The angels started singing, the pearly gates swung open and in she went.

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Man vs Woman

 

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...

When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

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Kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "Fuck You".

The 5th kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

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One Complaint

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age." said the doctor to the eighty-year old man.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"

The doctors mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the little old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the eighty-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

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Out To Sea

A guy walks into the bar and orders a drink and the bartender notices the extreme smallness of his head.  He asks,"Excuse me for being nosey but why is your head so small?."

 

The guy says, "Its a long story.  When I was in the Navy I was looking overboard while in route to Europe and noticed a mermaid in distress.  I threw her a life buoy and pulled her up on deck.  In gratitude she granted me one wish.  Well, I had been out to sea for some time and I first asked her for some sex.  She replied that she would love to but the bottom half of her was fish and that was highly impossible.  So then I asked her for a little head."

 

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Frustrated

A guy gets stranded on an desert island along with a sow pig and a really mean dog.  After a year or two he starts to get really frustrated sexually and starts getting ideas about the pig.  But for some reason, every time he would try to get close to the pig, the dog would snarl and drive the guy away.  This would happen every time he tried it, and it was driving him crazy.  

 

The next month a woman with an unbelievably hot body washed ashore, half-dead.  The guy found her and nursed her back to health, and when she started to get well again, she regained consciousness and saw the guy with her.

"Oh...my hero" she said.  "You saved my life;  how can I ever repay you?"

  "Well," the guy responded, "will you do anything for me?"

"Yes, anything!"  the woman said.

"Great!"  the guy said.  "Do me a favor and take that stupid dog for a walk!"   

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We just found out that my wife is pregnant.  I did the math, and according to her due date I was out of town at the time of conception.

I am amazed. I can't believe it.  I will finally make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for impregnating my wife via phone sex!

 

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Canaries

There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when one day the door opened and a female canary was tossed in.  She hated being in the cage and flew circles inside trying to find a way out.  One male canary looked at the other and said "Hey watch this."

 

He called to the female..."Hey I know how to get out of here!" She flew over and and begged him to tell her. He said, "Meet me at the bottom of the cage."

So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell you."

 

Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told when they were done, "Ha! Theres no way out of here!" He flew up and high winged the other male.

 

Two days later the female was still trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey I feel sorry for you! Meet me at the bottom of the cage and I'll tell you how to get out.   So, she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya."

 

By this time she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told, "Ha! Dummy theres no way out of here!"

 

That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape. The next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!

 

Do you know how she got out? scroll down...

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Gimme some and I'll tell ya!

 

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Plans

Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.  He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry.  Another time, please."

 

The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good.  I've got this terrible headache.  Please give me a rain check."

 

By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.  "How about it?" he said urgently.

 

Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.  "This is the third night in a row.

What are you?  Some kind of a sex maniac?"

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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special I'm having Social Security sex"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

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