~~ Twins ~~
Joe and John were twins. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat.
It just so happened John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat, said, "Hell no, fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was rotten and old from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess I finally finished her off when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted her anyhow. The damn fools tried to get into her all at the same time and she split right up the middle.."
The old woman fainted on the spot!!!!
~~~~~**~~~~~~
Cuckoo
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight ... promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness -- even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."
~~~~~**~~~~~~
The Little Guy
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender asks, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks. Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were hunting in Africa and you called that witch doctor an idiot."
~~~~~**~~~~~~
MEN ARE LIKE
Men are like ... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers. ad them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like .... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
~~~~~**~~~~~~
TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
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~~~~~**~~~~~~
Drifty's Fervent Coffee Prayer...
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures,
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz,
It leadeth in the paths of consciousness for it's name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no equal For thou art with me;
thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Thy Starbucks,
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste
shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of Mocha's forever.
Amen !!!!!!!!!