(Faure - "Pavane")
Another common traumatic stress arousal reaction is an increased feeling of anger. This may range from general irritability to a deep-seated, explosive rage. You might find yourself arguing with your family or co-workers over unimportant things or carrying a smouldering hatred toward individuals or larger groups that you hold responsible for your misfortune. This type of anger reaction may remain extremely intense, lasting months or years, and will probably affect your relationships with others.
While your angry feelings may be quite justified, how YOU manage and express them is important, both to your own well being and healing as well as to your sense of effectiveness and control. Working on your anger management skills is a positive step towards eliminating the risk of violent behaviour. This ensures the safety of yourself, your family and others and generally helps you to resolve conflict constructively, without alienating others.
It's very understandable that you want to blame others for what has happened to you, particularly if the situation could have been prevented or improved by other people' actions. You will probably find, too, that your feelings of blame consist of a confusing mixture of guilt, fear, shame, loss of faith in a just society and your own sense of personal vulnerability.
When you have been traumatized, the source of your anger may also be linked with feeling a lack of control over situations, which you may not have experienced before. The same physical arousal symptoms - a pounding heart, sweating palms, rapid breathing, rising blood pressure - that are present during a situation of tremendous stress or fear are experienced when anger is 'on the boil'. Suppressing this chronic anger response has been linked to health-problems for both men and women, manifesting in heart attacks, high blood pressure and severe headaches.
Nevertheless, in some instances anger can be useful! For example, when it leads to a struggle against injustice, when it helps a parent to defend a child or when it leads to community action on a problem. Properly handled, it can help you to achieve better, more honest communication through talking rather than shouting. The key is to channel your anger effectively. For example, getting a solicitor to pursue a claim on your behalf allows that person to be angry for you, in an appropriate way, so that you can let go of some of the anger and deal with other everyday matters.
On the other hand, when anger is bottled up until it explodes,
the results can be dangerous and violent. Many people who have been wronged have revenge fantasies. They imagine horrible punishments for those that they hold responsible for their tragedy. While it's not uncommon to have such thoughts, it is
important to distinguish between fantasy (what you think about)
and reality (what you actually do). While a revenge fantasy may act as a useful release at times, to dwell upon it and to consider taking violent action puts you at risk, as well as the other party. Acting out your rage will not erase what has happened, and it could result in serious consequences for you!
The people who seem to fare best are those who learn how to understand their own tempers, and express their anger appropriately. By achieving a healthy distance, they are able to move on with their lives, instead of remaining victims of their experience.
Rather than feeling 'stuck' in an anger arousal cycle, where every little thing that happens triggers the same overly angry response and you seem to be either suppressing it or lashing out at others, taking responsibility for managing your own anger is a positive step towards gaining control over your life again. When you are able to manage your anger effectively, you will have more choices about how you respond in any given situation.
A. Keeping your own anger notes
Part 1: Set aside a section in your notebook and label it 'Anger Notes'. Draw five vertical columns and in these keep track of:
1. When you get angry
2. What's happened to cause the anger
3. How strong it feels (give it a rating between 0-8, see below)
4. How you think and
5. How you behave when you are angry.
For example, your thoughts might be: 'I can't stand this!', 'I'll get even for that!', 'They're driving me crazy', 'I can't believe what I'm hearing!' Your behaviour might include making sarcastic remarks, shouting, slamming doors, throwing something, swearing, ignoring others or trying to over-control them.
In your notebook you should make entries at least once daily for a period of two weeks or more. Remember that, just like the rest of your notebook, these notes are for your own reference and for your eyes alone - so you can be completely honest with yourself!
It is hard to remember things clearly when one is in the heat of anger. Keeping the notes will give you a chance to look back a few days or weeks later and decide if you are managing your anger effectively or if some things still need improvement. Even if you are not a person who usually writes things down, or even if you are uncomfortable doing so, do make an effort to do this. You will not remember accurately otherwise, and you may even find that the act of writing itself gives your arousal reactions time to CALM DOWN. Part 2:Ask yourself the following questions and record the answers in your notebook as part of your anger notes as honestly as you can:
1. How often do 1 feel angry? (Three times a day/every other day/once a week?)
2. How do 1 let others know that I'm angry? (By shouting/by being silent/are others even aware/do 1 keep it hidden?)
3. What do 1 look like when I'm angry? (Red in the face/ scowling/face muscles tight/clenched fists?)
4. Is my anger helping me to cope? (For example, does it stop me from feeling sad? Does it give me the drive to deal with legal matters, bank managers, etc.?)
5. Is my anger getting in the way of my recovery? (For example, does it help me to avoid other things that I need to face? Does it alienate me from my family?)
6. What do I hope to gain from my anger? (Confidence/restitution/recognition/revenge?)
7. Are there other ways in which I could gain those things?
8. What is my anger preventing me from doing? (For example, talking to others, forming new relationships, gaining some distance from the trauma?)
9. Is feeling angry different from feeling powerful? (Yes or no) If the answer is 'yes', how is it different?
10. In what situations do I feel powerful?
11. How did people in my family express anger while I was growing up?
12. Do I use the same ways? If not, how are the ways I use different?
13. How have my ways of handling anger changed since the trauma? (For example, do I throw things now, when I didn't before? Do I shout at the children more?)
14. Have I been hoping to obtain some relief from angry, explosive actions? (Yes or no) If the answer is 'yes', is this a fantasy or a realistic expectation?
15. What other more helpful methods could I use to obtain relief?
16. Do I feel or behave like a victim? (Yes or No) if the answer is 'yes', is that helpful to me now?
17. Is it better to 'forgive and forget' or to seek revenge? Are there any alternatives that lie in between those two extremes?
18. Add any other questions of your own here that you might find useful to ask.
Keep working on your anger notes, make entries daily, so that you can keep track of your feelings and how you are managing your anger in different situations. Try and see if you can recognize a pattern. Write down the date, what it was about the situation that made you angry, and the bodily behaviour signals that told you that you were angry, for example: changes in your breathing, muscles tight in forehead, tightness in your chest or stomach, gritting your teeth, clenched fists, raised voice, pacing, making sarcastic comments. The 'signals' will probably differ with different levels of intensity of your anger. Try to see if you can recognize a pattern in your responses.
Don't expect that this exercise will go perfectly. Your anger notes are intended to help you to observe your own ways of dealing with things, and to become familiar with your individual physical and behavioural signals for different levels of anger.
Part 1:To understand your own body, ask yourself the following questions and record the answers in your notebook:
1. How does your body tell you that you are becoming angry?
2. How do you recognize the signals?
3. Does your stomach go into a knot?
4. Do your muscles become tense and stiff?
5. Do you start to sweat or get cold?
6. Does your head begin to pound?
7. Do you feel veins standing out in your neck or forehead?
8. What other signals have you noticed for your anger? Part 2: Control your body's responses to anger with the Quick Controlled Breathing technique
1. Pay attention to your breathing when you feel yourself becoming angry. Is it sharper? Faster? Can you slow it down by taking five deep breaths?
2. Start by exhaling as fully as you can. Now with each breath, inhale, hold for a second, then exhale slowly, blowing through your mouth. Again, with each breath, inhale, hold for a second, then exhale slowly, blowing through your mouth and counting (silently) backwards from 5 to 1.
3. Remember to exhale fully, as if it was a heavy sigh, then again inhale, hold, exhale slowly, counting 5,4,3,2, 1. Next breath, inhale, hold, exhale slowly, counting 5,4,3,2,1.
4. Continue three more times and on the last breath say softly to yourself: 'Calm and in control'.
5. As you practise this you should notice a slight drop in your angry feelings. This will help you to think more clearly, so that you can choose how to react. Practise this technique frequently!
In addition to using relaxed breathing, try some healthy physical outlets for your tension, for example, a competitive sport, a vigorous walk or a run, or even enthusiastic house-repair, cleaning or redecorating. Physical exertion, in the form of exercise or physical activity, is a good outlet for anger and stress. If the traditional types of sport and exercise do not appeal to you, consider some of the less traditional, like the martial arts, Tai Chi or yoga. Bowling, swimming or cycling are other possibilities.
One activity it is best to avoid when you are in a temper is driving. Instead, a vigorous walk is a good way to calm you down. Make sure you don't engage in activities where you could hurt yourself or others, for example, pounding nails with a hammer when angry often results in smashed thumbnails. Throwing hard or breakable objects is also off-limits. Instead, pound a pillow, bounce a soft ball or even blow up balloons (balloons require effort and vigorous breathing, another form of breathing control, so this is not as silly as it sounds!).
Remember to keep track in your notebook of what you do and how often, and whether it makes a difference in the way You feel.
Part 1: The 'Time-out� technique
Perhaps the most successful and widely used method for gaining control over an explosive temper is known as 'Timeout�. It is particularly useful for traumatized individuals, as it allows them to be 'in charge' of their own anger, paying attention to the body signals of rising frustration and choosing, before they lose control, to take a �Time-out� . 'Time-out� means leaving the situation so that your anger will not escalate.
If you are at home at the time you feel your anger rising, say out loud to yourself and your partner: 'I'm getting angry and 1 need to take a "Time-out". Then, you must leave for an hour (no more and no less), during which time you must not drink alcohol and you should not drive.
If it is late at night, and unsafe to go out, go to another room and remain alone.
Use the breathing technique or any other techniques, such as physical exercise, to help you calm down. This will help you to deal with things on your return, rather than just reacting to them in an �out-of-control' way. Before you first use this technique, it is important to explain to your partner or others around you that may be affected, that you are trying to learn helpful ways of controlling your anger. Make an agreement with them beforehand that when you are next angry you will take a 'Time-out', but that you will be back after an hour and that they should not worry because you will take good care of yourself during that time. Also explain that your going away does not mean you don't want to be with them, but that there are times when you need to be alone in order to cope better with your anger. Encourage them to respect your efforts at anger control and ask them to give you the freedom to use this technique without stopping you or coming after you when you feel angry, as this would not be helpful. Part 2: The 'Thermometer' technique
This approach draws on your newly developed skills of paying attention to your bodily signals, in particular, signs of temper rising. It has been taught (in various forms) and used successfully for many years by groups such as Narcotics Anonymous, whose participants have often turned to drug or alcohol abuse as an ineffective way of managing explosive tempers. When people are working to overcome addictions, they often feel quite raw and on edge, just as you are likely to be feeling at times, while you work to overcome the effects of traumatic stress. Here is how it works:
1. Picture, in your mind's eye, a very large thermometer. Try and allow yourself to see very clearly the gradation marks on each side of the glass tube that register the degrees of temperature rising. The mercury inside the glass tube is red. We will use this to represent your temper.
2. When you are calm and cool, there is very little mercury in the tube, just enough to help you pay attention and interact effectively with others. However, when you start to become agitated, the temperature starts to rise and the mercury level in the tube will go up!
3. Because you are much more in tune with your bodily signals now, you will notice how your breathing begins to quicken when you become just a bit agitated. Your muscles tense, and you become aware that your eyes are squinting a bit, your nostrils are flaring. In short, as your� temperature rises', you are starting to resemble a charging bull! The mercury in your imaginary thermometer is rising very quickly indeed.
4. Now, all thermometers have some red marks at the top to indicate 'danger' and 'overheating'. As you pay attention to the signals of your rising anger, you can start to picture the thermometer, and you can become aware of how close you are getting to the danger zone. It is time to bring the mercury down before you get into the 'red zone', where you will not be able to think clearly enough to take appropriate action.
5. If you allow your anger to boil over, you will be operating on raw emotion, with very little (if any) rational thought. Those are the situations where you are likely to get into trouble and do or say things that you will probably regret later, when they are hard to undo. Use all your skills to stay out of the red zone of raw emotions.
6. Keep being aware of your temper. Try using the 'Quick Controlled Breathing� technique. Take a step back and let the intensity of your voice drop. Wait a few moments; take a 'Time-out' if you need to. Do whatever you need to do to get your anger� thermometer' to drop the temperature down to a more reasonable and comfortable level.
7. When you have reached� room temperature� level again, then you can begin to deal with the person or problem on a rational basis.
Practise this technique as often as possible. As soon as you find yourself getting worked up, think� THERMOMETER'! This technique can be very effective, once you have learned it and as long as you use it regularly. Part 3: The 'Assertive Exchange� technique
When you have some mastery over the surges that fuel your temper, the next skill to work on is improving your communication. If the only way you communicate when you are frustrated or angry is to be sarcastic, intimidating, shouting, aggressive, blaming or giving the silent 'freeze treatment', your partner, family members or colleagues are unlikely to want to engage in problem-solving with you! They know you are angry, but they probably stop listening at an early stage and are busy thinking about how to defend themselves. Nothing gets resolved, and the situation tends to repeat itself in a vicious and very frustrating circle.
You can change this by developing your assertiveness skills.
The following technique, which we call the 'Assertive Exchange', is based on the work of Sharon Anthony Bower and Gordon Bower, who outlined a method called the D-E-SC script in their 1976 book Asserting Yourself. It has become the basis for most assertiveness communication training.
An easy way to remember our'Assertive Exchange� formula is to think of the acronym, 'R-E-A-C-T', which stands for:
Refer: state directly the issue that is upsetting you and that you want to talk about.
Example: 'James, the television is turned up too loud!'
Exchange: use an 'I' statement here to communicate your feelings.
Example: 'I've spoken to you about this several times already. I'm frustrated that you're not listening.'
Action: be specific about the action you want to take place; what is it that you want the person to do?
Example: 'Turn the television down immediately.'
Conditions: if appropriate, now indicate any stipulation consequences.
Example: 'This is the last time I'm going to speak to you about it.'
Thanks:express gratitude to the other person for listening.
Example: Thankyou. I appreciate you turning it down,
This very simple method may feel like a big leap for you, but it is fairly certain to produce positive results, both at home and in the outside world. It works with children,
Partners, co-workers, and even most bosses and authority figures!
Why is it so effective? Because it emphasizes fact, and it keeps emotion in check. It does not focus on the blaming you� statement (e.g. 'You make me sick!'), which is more aggressive and puts the other person on the defensive. That is the difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness. When you are being properly assertive, more respect is communicated between the parties and emotions tend to stay in check. The result is that you stay in control and more problem solving happens. By using this technique, you may begin to feel more understood and more effective in achieving the result that you need.
If you have a difficult exchange coming up , where you need to stay assertive and not explode with frustration, apply this R-E-AC-T formula in a rehearsal before the encounter takes place. Write out each step of what you are going to say in your notebook. Imagine how the other person may respond and visualize yourself staying on track. This imaginary rehearsal will greatly enhance your chances for success! Final Comments on Anger Reactions
In moments of extreme frustration - especially as one is struggling to overcome a trauma, and one feels very helpless to do anything else - it is tempting to take it out on yourself Banging one's head, putting a fist through the wall or window, driving recklessly, cutting or self-mutilating are all examples of behaviours that says that you have lost control.
This type of behaviour is a sure sign that you are not coping, and that things have become too much for you. In this case, you 5hould seek the help of a professional. Remove yourself from the situation and away from the people who are causing you to want to harm yourself. Remind yourself that such behaviour is a desperate bid for control and, as you have seen in this chapter, there are better ways to achieve control.
Prior preparation
(Faure - "Pavane")