A string of movies from Dazed and Confused and Thin Red Line to American Beauty and Powder have been infused with the common theme that there existed a sensation or essence to living that was more than the notion that "if everything's good than everything's good". Most people I know embrace a number of good things in life. Good food, gaining a possession, relationship ease, etc. These are positive reinforcements in life, I assume. There are also a number of situations and feelings that expand people's views on why life is a good thing necessarily: seeing a breath-taking, mind-expanding movie; going to Bali and Cancun for two weeks to see how "other people live"; going to a KISS concert; trying Vietnamese food for the first time; seeing the sunrise on top of the mountain�
I am tempted to say that that is only half the picture. Only tempted because the way I see the world is probably different than most and definitely not better. But personally I have not been able to deal with this. A certain desensitization occurs with me everytime I get too much good in my life. Basically I get bored. The dance club no longer seems "so fucking awesome"; I end up ordering the same thing at the restaurant; coffee gets addictive; the sweet clothes go out of style.
There has been a history I've shared with others of avoidance. I avoid doing bad on a test. I avoid the rejection of someone not wanting a date. I avoid trying food with nuts in it. I avoid physical pain. I avoid the jealously of the boyfriend cheating on me. I avoid the possibility that I may die if I do X. OK, OK granted this isn't such a groundbreaking thing to write�yes, yes we avoid the things that suck, because they suck.
I have a problem with this, though. A friend of mine about 5 years ago hypothesized that the worst pain on earth was better than death or nothingness as he saw it. I had a friend at the time who had a mom going through really bad cancer who disagreed and I've never quite come to a personal consensus on who I sided with.
This is problematic for me. I do not know why I avoid bad things. Certain stuff I chalk up to my biology, like pain and death being bad and that's OK, but I see plenty o' people killing themselves with booze and cigarettes and chewing gum so I'm not sure if biology is the driving force behind everything that I do. Richard Dawkins and Edward E Wilson (academic sociobiologists [guys who believe that biological forces are the driving force behind everything we do]) would probably disagree. Anyways, I'm sure they can address why hate looking bad in front of others even if there are no 'compatible fe-male mates' around. Or why I avoid conflict at all costs, even when it would better for me to confront it.
The side note here is that some of the worst shit I've gone through has ended up paying off in the long run. Most of my honesty today comes from the hell I endured through getting caught lying. Most of my ease in being in relationships stems from my father and first love bailing in a (well they might disagree with this) cold fashion and having to deal with that. The most cognitively jam-packed moments of my life; you know, where every food tastes good and every experience makes you thank heaven and earth for being alive; have been when I have just narrowly avoided dying. I appreciate having a roof over my head when I've come out of the rain. I think a meal, any meal, tastes good when I haven't eaten in many hours. Nature is much better after being in the city for 6 months. The city is better after being in the bush for 4 months.
I know�pretty yingy-yangy, basic spiritual junk. But it's more than that. What happens if you actually start confronting things like this on a daily basis. What happens when you intentionally brush up against the limits of what you find acceptable to see how they make you feel, to see how you react. Going into the woods for days with no food and water. Giving away everything you own. Making yourself look ugly, intentionally. Eating food you do not like. Essentially doing things that you think would endanger you or make you miserable to see either if they actually do make you miserable and if so how that makes you react.
What would you do if you got really lost in the woods? What if you had no place to live? What if did that karaoke number? What if you walked the 4 hours to go home in a dark and stormy night instead of taking the bus?
No doubt some of it would probably suck. I mean for sure, you'd obviously get pretty fucking cold. But what would you think alone in the night, scared and hungry? What would you naturally do? Would you react well? Would you meet someone new? Would the sunrise make you stronger? Would you get creative? Find shelter? Do something new, or feel something you never thought about before?
So many people feel better when they break up with the person who has been wrong for them, even though they were afraid of it. So many people felt like superstars, sucking it up on stage. So many people had to stay late on campus after the computer fucked up and crashed, and ended up sleeping in a cute little nook in a secretly found spot and met there friend for coffee at 6:00am the next day by accident.
By pushing myself to do relatively stupid things that I have spent I lot of time thinking about I have pushed up against my fears and my limits and not only realized that they were places I did or did not want to be, but that I also could deal with them, or could conquer them. Or I realized that I could not at the time and worked on that and eventually changed myself for the better. I don't know if this would work for anyone else. I am me. I cannot be who I am not. Nor can anyone else. But I am trying to define myself as what I am able to do and willing to do rather than what I wont do because I am afraid and what I wont do because I have never done it before.
I am trying to know what my limit is and why. I am trying to know why I am afraid and why. I'm trying to break them both.