This last couple of years have been periods where I have been able to take a deep look at what I do not like about myself. Analysis, restate my aims and goals, array of options and preferences, choice of action, implementation and evaluation. Aim one has been to weed out and destroy all elements of Tv in my personality that I do not like.
This has proved most troublesome. A good night of movies have lead me to the conclusion that, even before I saw them, I really relate to a bizarre combination of the main characters in Fight Club and High Fidelity. On one hand: trying to revolt against my father, my desire for companionship (specifically Hollywood women), my desire to sell-out, love/hate relationship with consumer culture, baiting of social norms etc. and the ensuing insanity that this causes from a rupture in personality; and on the other: music obsession (complete with trivia), asshole self-centered behavior, obsession with past relationships and their effects on my life, general feeling of inability to find direction in my life, making lists, sorting as a means of coping, and the general being regular sort of thing. Oh would I love to believe that I was on the urge of building some sort of counter-cultural army that would laugh in the face of every bullshit useless thing I have been taught. The fact is, I was raised on television to believe that I would not really be a rock star, movie god or millionaire�just someone important�and even Fight Club was guilty of planting that seed into my head�though in High Fidelity, our lead character simply ends up going in some kind of direction and finally settling for something.
And I hate this. I hate this desire to be something or someone�though I hate the idea of just bumbling through life without some kind of purpose. I wish I could just casually choose a purpose of somekind and not always panic immensely when I feel I don�t have one. I hate defining myself through the movies but god damn it they made me and therefore are
bang on.