This list continues on. Quite endlessly to be sure, and it will eventually end in this short written segment being wiped from existence at some future point. But there is some kind of salvation to this.
In the past, this feeling unmotivation, or better yet, the feeling that I can�t get anything done to save my life; that I am simply binding my time and not doing anything useful, finishing anything, but am instead sticking my finger into a number of different pies and ending up having done a bunch of stuff that isn�t completed or connected*; this feeling has caused a significant and overwhelming crisis. One of purpose. Purpose has been a goal that a number of people I have known have sought after for years. It is that dream sequence that we get wondering if we will be the next pioneer in something or another. Politcal leader, activist who brings down the system, rock star, brilliant investigative journalist, rave producer, webmaster of a multi-million dollar website, scientist who saves millions, movie star or obscure eclectic theatre performer who makes it, athlete, etc.
"We've all been raised on television to believe we'd be millionaires, movie gods and rock stars�but we wont."
Salvation is not the accomplishment of these goals. It's not the fact of even trying to be them. No one really lasts forever and no one ever really dies. Martin Luther King Jr. is remembered. So is Thomas Edison, Einstein, Genghis Khan, Napolean, Marie Curie, Elvis Presley etc. But go back further.
Who was the most influential person 1000 years ago. What about 2000. We remember Tutankaman, the great pharaoh of Egypt, but the guy never actually did anything except get found. Who don't we remember. Who changed the world completely 4000 years ago in Africa? Who was the greatest First Nations chief of all time? I don't know how many people know or care. But they influenced everything. They set up a bunch of dominos that eventually connected to make today and in that sense they don't actually die, but live on like an old strand of DNA. And like all the useless projects in my life, they make me up, and if they are important, I pick them up again.
I am digressing. This has a point, namely that the things I do for short periods of time don�t just vanish if they are important. They stop for periods so I can run around and do someother stuff but when I stop writing a book I start writing something else, and if I stop writing music, I listen to some stuff and maybe play later. The music lives on. So does the acting, and cooking, and record collecting and friendships. And everything that is really important to me�if it means something good, it will never fade away. It will just fade out, momentarily to come back into the light. And the important point. The people, friends and old lovers. We bounce off eachother like atoms. And atoms are made up predominantly of space so it gets pretty lonely out here and I usually live by intensity. Intensity that people get hooked into if we really connect and then I�m gone and whether they�re my first girlfriend or someone I had dinner with that time and talked about her mom or the friend that I got in a really bad fight with and every time we�re in the same room we never look eachother in the eyes or the guy Eric from when I was 7 and jumping around to Mousercise.
They are all gone now. But maybe not forever. Maybe they�ll always be a building block in my life. Maybe we will resurface and rock the casba one more time. Maybe we can fade out but not fade away.
*See Infinite Jest:
Film 189. Untitled, incomplete, unedited, unfinished, 1989, march
Film 190. Untitled, incomplete, unedited, unfinished, 1989, april
Film 191. Untitled, incomplete, unedited, unfinished, 1989, May