You see I see all around me the biological clock of people ticking away, I guess I have just never considered it in my life and I do not look longingly in the directions of parents holding their kids and think �wow, I really wish that one day I had a kid�: Honestly, I do think about it sometimes. Being a donor for a 30 something lesbian couple or being on a fishing boat with a teenager, booze and absolutely no chance or desire to catch a single fish�just talking.
It troubles me sometimes, cause I�ve heard stories. Yes, strange stories of woman who had never wanted kids all of sudden doing a 180 and getting pregers ASAP and not knowing what hit them. Or men stumbling through their lives like teenagers just trying to get pussy and all of a sudden hampering down with a woman who they accidentally got pregnant, but liking it because they finally feel like they�re growing up. I keep waiting for a silent biological clock to come and bite me in the ass and mess up what little clarity I have now in regards to my own life. I don�t even think I could handle a child in a proper way now. I would be running home after my shit job every weekend worried and resenting the lameness of my life and the fact that I would have to stay put. I don�t even know enough about how my own parents fucked me up so there would be no chance of being able to prevent me from doing it to any kid I have. Worse off, whenever I think of a kid I think of a boy�I don�t do this intentionally, nor does this mean that I would be unhappy with having a daughter in my life�it really just means that I would have no idea how to raise and/or deal with, relate to, or understand a young girls life.
All this thought about children makes me wonder if it is coming at all. I friend of mine once said that all the people he knew who were stumbling around looking for purpose in life simply needed to have (or adopt as he did) a kid. It got me thinking cause 2 of the most anti-having-kids people I knew, gave into the addiction at age 40 or something and said that they did not regret the accident at all, and would open a vein had they had to go on living without their kid knowing what life would be like without her.
I know plenty of geniuses who don�t have children, and really are too preoccupied to even think about having them. And this also got me thinking about ideas.
I think that 2 main things would encourage me have kids and I hate the first one. Biology. The desire to �pass on my selectable genes�, �ensure that my name lives on� etc. I like to think that I am to a degree, smarter than pure biology. I take things that kill me for fucksake all the time and do things that no human being in his right mind would ever want to do if he was really concerned about staying alive. This is something that has plagued me for sometime and was the cause of a near suicide attempt while working in a Malaysian national park. The idea that the most biological urge is to stay alive, coupled with the knowledge that that is all it is. Just a desire to stay alive. There was no great purpose, no need to stay alive or anything like that, simply a notion that I had this desire, because I was programmed to, and not having that program, wouldn�t really mean a whole lot metaphysically or even physically. I am going to die anyways. I just keep going in the hope that my genes will live on, and to be perfectly honest, having the brain to body-size ratio that I have means that I really don�t give a fuck about passing on my genes as a life purpose. No, I would rather overcome my programming and live for real, and the way I thought I could do that was by killing myself. I of course did not happen for reasons I cannot go into here. I really should not and cannot talk about this in public. Writing it takes a long time and send knots shooting in my stomach. This is a limit for me.
The second encouragement is related and that is the idea of �passing on my knowledge�. This is pretty cheesy when I write it down. Unfortunately, I put a lot of faith into this idea. I feel that it is choosing a different purpose than one that is programmed into me, like slapping the idea that I am under the control of anything, even my genes, in the face. I feel that by having a kid and passing on things, that maybe that girl or boy would go out into the world, strong and smart and make the world better than I am able to. That they would be doing what I am doing, which is trying to help society evolve in a way that helps, but is absent of my ideology. Having this kid, would actually be the �act of evolution�. Taking someone you love, and everything about them you love and yourself and everything about yourself that you love and fusing them together.
The problem is, that it does not turn out this way ever. They might take up the asshole side of gwalgen, or nothing at all. They might learn everything from a racist asshole or rebel against me because I�m too political or decide for Christ sakes that they want to play video games all their life or seize power in an evil way, or simply settle down and have kids somewhere and live away from everything. And no. This is not bad. This is what I would want for any kid I had anyways�to do what they feel is right with the knowledge they have available. I only hope that they would think I�m a good source of information or insight.
Then I thought�I think that I can both buck my biological programming and pass on my knowledge. With ideas.
Ideas are things that I create with other people. I never have had an idea just by myself, it�s always been a mixing of me and another person and usually we are both influenced by millions of other ideas, kind of like DNA pieces and genes from a million generations. Everytime I have a new idea, I can create it, nourish it with intense thought, develop it, let it interact with others and its environment and let it go one day, out of the house that is my head and into the world, beyond my influence to do good or evil as it inevitably will do both. And when I die, it will pass on, like DNA but better, because there will be no name or genetic byproduct in it. It will be me and anonymous, but will help the world evolve for the good or the better I do not know. Luckily it does not matter. It just is. It has already begun. And you, whoever you are, are making it happen right now.