It always rains on my Birthday almost without fail and always hope that I am doing better than last year and today I feel I am. I'm out of my relationship and working in better environments and volunteering well. I'm putting my good in good places, but I could be doing better, and so I should. I'm feeling very tired. Like I man who's been in some kind of cult for a couple of years and asks himself why he is there. Why the perpetual loneliness? Why the pushing of limits and the physical pain and relentless culling of attachment. I guess I would say that I've lost faith in being out on the edge, cause I haven't been there for so long and it hasn't been working out the way it was supposed to. I'm not strong. I've only been strong once and I let it all get away. I hereby resolve to get it all back. Get back the confidence, the motivation, the purpose, the friendships, the faith that it's OK to die as long as you are living your life the way you feel is the right way. I will from now on live my life in the right way.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something in my life. It could go either way and it'll all work out depending on how I play this. I'm not gunna die in the snow, I'm gunna live forever. I'm gunna run and I'm gunna come back to the future and take the world by storm. I'm gunna be a political genius and help make a force to be reckoned with. It's all gunna come together. I'll speak honestly to the people I deal with. I'm not gunna be afraid and I'm not gunna rub it in. I'll let the awkward moments come. I'll let it all happen the way it does and I'll still manage to pull things out of the hat.
The stress is gone. I'm praying. I'm trying to find the magic. I kind of feel like I need the right people though. So...I'll find them too. Porno mags and sandwiches are gunna be the tip of the iceberg. I'm feeling older and two days ago I looked in the mirror and saw that I'm a man. My ex leaves for Jordan tomorrow. It's time for me to stop all the shady living. Today, ramadan is finished and the people rejoiced. The fast is over. Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm back.