Needless to say I had a goal when I got back to Vancouver to fully revolutionize how I operated in my home environment which, surprisingly had some success. I was eating better, reading more, culture jamming, engaging in politics in a consistent, pragmatic way, chronicling my education, having less of a dependence on friends who became spontaneous interactions throughout my day rather than crutches and confidents. At this point I was meeting people that I felt I had an intense connection with. The kind of people who I not only enjoyed hanging out with because we shared common interests like food, politics, music, taste in partners etc. but because we also seemed to share a theological or spiritual connection with each other. As in: I thought they understood and felt that they knew I understood.
Understood? I mean to say that we all had this frail kind of way of interacting with our environment. We would look outward and see an emptiness that people were trying to fill by occupying themselves with�whatever (dancing, politics, music�). While I felt that this small group of people was moving away from that cycle. That we were into being honest with ourselves�yes, this is what I'm trying to say�and with each other. Kind of a complete honesty that was devoid of fear and I started fantasizing.
See, it used to be that my fantasies were about myself, dark stuff that I can't go into here, but this all changed around then. I actually wanted a group of people, connected somehow. The way I saw it, a system could be developed where everyone always had someone in their life that would understand what they wanted. And what they wanted was that unspoken thing�that thing I always think I see in partners, but that usually isn't there, or is only momentarily brought out by my intensity. ItI'm tempted to call this 'a desire to learn and understand ones environment' or 'total acceptance of someone's existence' but it's more than this.
In the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test there was a group of people 'the pranksters' who at one point all joined hands together and tried to see the same thing. They used acid to all open there 'doors of perception' but in the wee hours of the morning at perhaps 4:00am something would happen and they described it as a sort of feeling/thought. Something that made them all look into each others eyes and they would 'know'. And it was this reason that made them want to 'Graduate from Acid'; they couldn't keep using the drug to go there. They felt that they had to go there themselves and stay there permanently.
In the world, I saw: people would just know. A loose network of individuals would be all around an area and would all know each other through a meeting, party or gathering of somekind where they all realized that they shared something in common. And of course the bonds that bind would be different for everyone, but the fact would remain that hanging with someone, you would know that they know. And you would be able to go anywhere and ask for shelter/ help. You would be able to go to anyone and look for moments of truth or honesty. And they wouldn't always be able to accommodate for one reason or another and fighting and misunderstandings would inevitably break out, but there would always be that undercurrent. That underlying thing that everyone understood was there, that binded everyone together no matter what. Someone might annoy you, but you can say it and ask them to leave, and they can tell you how that makes them feel and hopefully they wouldn't be hurt, you'd just have to say, Oh well, I annoy X. I can't be around them for too long.
This is how things like this start. A small notation by everyone that they are a select group of people who know 'more' about the rest of the world. Then the cultness begins and all hell breaks loose. But it would not be about that. There would be no great ideology. It would just be. You would just be able to trust people and they would interact with their environment and hopefully not get corrupted and if they did they would fade out, but hopefully not fade away.
When I was in my early 20ies I thought about getting everyone together and making a community like this. Hold a meeting and everyone could tell each other about it. It would begin. I talked to a few people.
Everything fell apart before it could begin. People didn't understand what the fuck I was talking about, people weren't interested; people moved away; people drifted away. And I gave up because�well, you know how it goes.