Jerome the Kleptomaniac pt. 1
I guess you're wondering how I got my nickname, the kleptomaniac. 'Cause I'm a kleptomaniac you retard! But even I have my limits on what I steal. When I was a kid I would have handfuls and armfuls of things I found lying around: ketchup packets, napkins, plastic forks and knives, coffee stirrers, and so on. But the thrill of stealing wasn't there. Those items were free anyways. When I got older I had an office job. I had office accessories and supplies up to my knees. My apartment was just one big school supply store. Later it developed to stealing software, then fax machines, printers, to monitors, and eventually entire computers.
You know what they say. Once a thief, always a thief.
But the items that I stole weren't stolen because I couldn't afford them - far from it. It was more for the thrill. It's a joke to me. Who else has a mile-long paperclip collection, dentist and doctors' office magazines up to the chin, a bathtub full of dissolved glue sticks, or a cupboard full of fortune cookies and mints? It's more of a hobby to me now. But I'd never want to get into any large heists or fraud crimes. That would just ruin the fun. My area of interest is items no one would care to be missing. Dollar store style. In fact, I had to move into several larger apartments just for the extra storage. I never gave it any thought as to why I never threw out that useless junk. Maybe it was because that junk represented my accomplishments in my hobby. My trophies. They are definitely for my growing collection. It was never about the money. And hey, it came in handy. As of now I control the flow of goods in my new market. I steal what I can from everyone here and trade those goods for anything I need in my collection. When someone in this crazy-house wants something, I'm the man they speak to.
And so what if my ring gets busted? I'm crazy, remember? I don't know what I'm doing, hahaha! I'm incapable of knowing what's right or wrong, wink-wink. But what they don't know could fill a warehouse. The only thing that limits me in this market is that sometimes specific items are hard to come by. I have men working from the outside as I speak but I'd much rather be outside these walls. I mean, it's not like I can step out of the asylum and bring back what my customers demand. Freedom is non-existent here, at least not total freedom. We are free to do anything we want, but would we really want to? Would we want to face the consequences of doing anything we wanted?
I'm not crazy. I know why I'm here. It was completely irrelevant to my kleptomania. Perhaps too long of a story, but basically, I'm fucked and I'm stuck here indefinitely. I guess you could say that my goal is to trade for a ticket out of this place. I'd give all my possessions to get out. That says a lot, too. I practically run this place. I have control over the crazies and they still respect me for it.
The funny thing is, no one here on staff knows that I'm a kleptomaniac. I go undetected in my natural surrounding. People don't notice it but I steal from ten to twenty (and on good days, much more) persons everyday. It's what builds up my current catalogue. In stock in my cell I have over 500 items for trade. How I hide them is my little secret. Now are you gonna buy something or not? Then move along. I have many customers to service. Next!