On wednesday I had an interview at Carve Radio, at the show of Julio Frade, one of the finest Uruguayan musicians and a white party member, like me. Politics aside, we started talking about the nature of poetry.  He was amazed by one of my poems, the one that opens the book because it is so dark and ugly. Despite of the images, I think it's dark because it deals with the uncertainty of future.
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The algae interleaced
over the swamp
are an invitation
to run to the other shore
over the green sea.

The algae interleacing,
slowly,
invite the suicide to cross the green wall
and reach the other side
where the moist and cold
will  shelter him.

The green algae
that cover the swamp
are an invitation
to stay at this side
surrounded by flowers and sunbeams
that filtrate
through the tangle of the scrubs.
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My favourite say is: "The day I found all the answers all the questions were changed".

That happens all the time. I can't deal with plans. It's not like I am into bushido ("my only plan is to take every opportunity") but like I am exhausted. When I was a kid I used to dream about making my life as a writer, study physics by pleausre and becoming an astounding martial artist. Now I am a so-so engineer, unknown writer and skinny computer general. I can't get a fucking work and have to keep pushing at my family's business which is broken since it started in 1997. First I wanted to be a Mechanical Engineer focused in machine design. As I discovered that's unrealistic in Uruguay I had to leave  the idea. I changed projects of life many times, tried a lot of businesses, failed all. OK, right, I came to professional life during the longest and deepest economic crisis of the country, that's why. Since 1997 the country is going down. This year the leftist government inspired a shock of trust in the economy, the companies atarted hiring. I sent about 250 resumes. Nothing happened. Started answering the ads at the newspapers and the ads at college and then it came that I was having about three work interviews per week. But nobody called me back. So I started calling them to ask what was their impression about me. The answers:

-Your resume is astounding but...
-You are too independent for us.
-You are creative, adventurer and bohemian.
-We are looking for a family man.

So, it was my personality. I can't, I don't want, I won't change my personality. I won't marry and have children just to get a fucking twelve-hours-a-day underpaid job. This world sucks. Then my mother and my brothers make fun of me and tell me to get a job to support them. I know it's my duty. A man has to do what a man has to do. But it's not in my hands to do it. I told them my problem and they said it's an attitude problem, that I have to be more submissive, get a good girl and "live a good life". That means the house at the beach, two cars and three children.

To give you an idea. An average rent, for a nice three bedrooms apartment, is at USD 417 per month. The average salary for an engineer is USD 500 per month, working twelve hours a day. And you still have to thank those motherfuckers for giving you an opportunity to prove yourself. But I don't get even one of those shitty jobs. Because I am an artist and they can tell you that just by looking me in the eyes.

I would love to know if the same happens in all the world. I suspect it is different in Japan because of the influence of the Tokugawa thought, that every samurai must be a well trained administrator and a poet too. But the western thought establishes that anything else than one-dimensional life (your interest is your work and that's all) is an aberration. Renaissance men and women don't exist because the system marginates them. I know lots of people who believe poets are gay. Yeah, I'm sure Garcilaso de la Vega was a sissy.

What makes an artist appealing to the burgeois society? What makes him/her acceptable? Perhaps what they want to avoid is the mixture. Like when thay say black people have a distinctive smell. So, if I was just a poet or just an engineer it would be fine for everyone (except for me) and I would be accepted. Hell with all of them! I wasn't accepted when I was a kid, my schoolmates tormented me everyday. That's the reason why I am so proud, that's why I learned to fight back and not taking shit of anyone. Thanks to my grandpa who taught me the most important things in life: to box, to drive and to get women. My father taught me about knowledge and literature, to love unconditionally, to doubt of everything  and to be proud of myself. My mother used to use me as a tissue for her tears so she taught me to give a shit about suffering and not taking shit of anyone. I think that's not what she intended but it works fine for me.

As years passed I became more rational (even more) so now I take some shit ocassionally, because I can get advantage of the situation. It happened after studying economics. I discovered that partnering somebody who is taking advantge of me might still be rewarding. An examle would be to have  girlfriend who just wants some expensive dinners and some gifts: as long as I can ass-fuck her I give a shit about her real motivation. Another example, setting a restaurant with a guy who steals money from me, so my benefits are really 35% instead of 50%. I'm still making money so I don't care. I  prefer to wait for the right moment to start a business with another partner or taking it all.

I think I haven't got what it takes to be a part of this society. I will just live until I die. I just want to have the sun in my face, food in my stomach and a mouth in my dick. I want a nice life. I don't need my own house, neither a car. I want to be slightly happy. That's all. But I am a marginal.